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Have to break NC...suggestions and advice please

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bradychu posted 7/24/2013 13:24 PM

I haven't written my story yet. I promise to get to it soon. Right now I just need some advice. My FWW had affairs with 3 different men beginning in 2009 and ending in 2011. D-day for me was in March 2012. This last year has been very difficult but we have managed to make it this far. Like so many other stories, there is a complication.

Due to some her unending guilt and shame, I had been overly concerned about suicide and/or severe depression (she has battled it for nearly our entire marriage). Believe me, even her best friend tried to convince me to have her committed for a period. It was real and not simply the attention tactic many talk about.

Well, long story short, I never notified the OMs BSes. Though I feel horrible for this; I truly believe I had to make a choice between R and notifying. I chose what would ultimately be best for our sons.

Here comes the fun part. We have found out that we now have genital herpes. These men have children. To protect these kids, they need to be told. NC has been in place now for 16-months. How do I break NC to notify them? What on earth do I even say??

confused615 posted 7/24/2013 14:01 PM

You call them..not your WW. And you tell them gently,kindly,compassionately. They may not believe you at first,so offer to give them a copy of all logs..etc. If you don't have any of these,tell them your WW can either tell them directly,or she can send a very detailed email telling the BW of the affair,dates,etc.

Don't send an email or a facebook message. They may not get them...their WH's might intercept it.

They do have to be told. These men have children..but they have wives who need to know their health is at risk...and if any of these women have another child..they absolutely need to be told. Im sorry.

ETA: Im curious as to why you had to choose between R and telling the other BS's. If that was a condition your wife made,that's a problem.

[This message edited by confused615 at 2:03 PM, July 24th (Wednesday)]

bradychu posted 7/24/2013 14:19 PM

Not a condition my wife placed on R. Rather a decision I made after assessing her mental state, living in a very small community, knowing that at least one of these women would be violent, one of these women would verbally make R impossible, and one of them would involve her entire family.

Add in the fact that these affairs were with police officers and you can begin to see that I would worry about being harassed rather frequently.

Though I feel guilty about not informing these women, we did go to a marriage counselor. After our third session, she was adamant that we not inform them as well. Though not ideal (I have never had to do something against my moral code before) I do strongly believe that if I had informed them my overall situation would be entirely different right now...

confused615 posted 7/24/2013 14:25 PM

I understand. And I think it's very brave to inform them now. There will be fallout. But they have to be told.

Good luck.

ETA: I wanted to say..though I do understand your reasons..I truly have made your decision not to tell when it happened,based on how you think these women will react,and truthfully, no one knows how they will react to this kind of betrayal..until we have it forced upon us.

[This message edited by confused615 at 2:27 PM, July 24th (Wednesday)]

KeepCalm_CarryOn posted 7/24/2013 14:27 PM

Just a question about the timeline- were you not tested right after d-day?

MoreWould posted 7/24/2013 14:27 PM


Well, your situation is about to go where you feared it would, except worse. Like they say, "Love fades, but herpes is forever."

I would also have a word with your MC about the bad advice. STDs are no joke, and not telling leads some right where you are. Your W must be in a really bad place right now, be sure she gets the help she needs.

Sorry man, this really sucks big time.

bradychu posted 7/24/2013 14:51 PM

Believe me I know. I am the BS...and I am the one who has had the worst "breakouts". She may bet a small "pimple"...hell, I get COVERED!

Yes, we were tested right away. Again, this was a decision I had to make at the time. I chose to wait to notify these men. I chose due to my wife's mental state. She was in her last year of nursing school and struggling. Believe me, there were times in which I thought her depression would win out and she would not survive this. Though not "right" it was truly the only way I could see getting us all through this.

Regarding not knowing how a person would handle the situation until they are in it...I agree. My instincts were immediate and firm that our marriage was over. It wasn't until I began to calm down and realize that this affects more than just me. My sons, my nieces and nephews, my in-laws...over the last 20-years they have all become truly my family.

Fortunately, she has been overly remorseful, worked very hard at restoring my faith in her, and I have a forgiving heart...

hitbyatruck posted 7/24/2013 18:33 PM

You don't have to defend your choice. You did what was right for your family and wife at the time.

If your wife's mental state is still fragile could you somehow contact these other couples anonymously? Might lessen the fallout for your family and the at risk people will still be informed.

Jrazz posted 7/24/2013 18:36 PM

That's so incredibly rough.

It's a huge testament to your character that you are finding a way to let them know asap.

I'd say that for the safety of their children you just need to find the quickest, most direct route.

(I didn't let Crazz kiss DD3 for 6 months until all the tests and retests came back clear... even then, it's scary)

Hugs and strength to you.

homewrecked2011 posted 7/24/2013 18:43 PM

If you have $$$ you can have a PI tell the BSes.

Yep the women need to know because if they have an outbreak during childbirth, their child can become blind.

Just do it now.I understand why you waited. I doubt any of these wives will tell the world after they find out about this news!

Knowing posted 7/24/2013 18:45 PM

When did you find out you have herpes? It usually appears within 2 weeks of exposure...

bradychu posted 7/24/2013 20:24 PM

Well, it is not that clear. My "breakouts" were mistaken for jock itch or poison ivy for about 1.5 years. It wasn't until I was diagnosed that the Dr "figured it out". I have done a LOT of research on HSV-2. In a lot of people, it has no symptoms at all. For some, it appears like a UTI, or a pimple, or a small rash. Most people don't realize exactly what it is and don't connect it to HSV. Especially when they don't believe they are exposed...

Thank you all for your help. If I come across as mildly defensive, it is just because this is the only time in my life I have not lived up to my personal moral code. I guess I am defending myself to me. I just think we are finally to a place where we can finally address this issue. I informed my wife the other day. She is now in a depression spiral; but, I think will make it through.

I just need to figure out how to proceed. Is there any way to notify these men to get tested and get their wives tested and back away? I realize it is not ideal. But, my concern is their overall health. Not blowing up my marriage and wife's mental health over these affairs that happened 3-4 years ago.

I know these women have a right to know. I know that if I were in their shoes I would want to know. But, I have to prioritize here and (I'm sorry) I will pick my wife's mental health and my sons subsequent mental conditions every time. Believe me, I know myself and I will regret that. I will regret it for a very long time. But, it is the right decision for my family...

summerain posted 7/24/2013 20:44 PM

Ii definitely agree with going anonymously. If I unfortunately ever have to face this again that is the route I would go in.

I understand how you feel with the small community. Whilst I'm not in one, they all ran in the same social circles.

Something such as
"I am sorry to inform you that it is necessary for you to check if you have genital herpes. I have decided to remain annoynmous to maximise my family's quality of life"

Sure it will probably come out that it was your wife, but it will provide your family with deniability.

JustWow posted 7/24/2013 20:51 PM

I really think you need to inform their BW's, not the former AP's.

Frankly, I would not trust them to tell their BW's about the notification - and those women have a right to know. It may very well be one of the OM who passed it along to you guys, but the AP's were all operating knowing the risks. Thier wives were not.

Especially if any of those women et pregnant - they need to know. Don't trust the men who betrayed them to have their best interests at heart. Inform the BW's. And then you really do not need to break NC.

confused615 posted 7/25/2013 08:21 AM

^^ I have to tell the BW's..not their husbands.

bradychu posted 7/25/2013 09:41 AM

The problem there comes right back to my wife and her ability to mentally survive it. One of these women has already dealt with infidelity. The shitstorm that resulted would break my wife. Honestly, it would break me...

And, like I said above, these guys are cops. Home phone numbers are unlisted. No "online" footprints (no way to email or facebook them or their wives). My only real option here is to either corner them when they are working, contact them through their departments, or show up at their doorstep.

Guess I am asking for ideas on what I can even say. Where to begin. How to even approach the situation...

sisoon posted 7/25/2013 11:41 AM

It's an STD. You need to inform the affected BWs so they can take the actions they think are necessary.

2 X 4 -ish: Are you being over-protective of your W?

1) I will admit that I do not trust threats of suicide, because ow's threats helped start my W's A and keep it going. I do think threats of suicide are indicators of very serious issues. I just don't see them as predictors of suicide.

2) If your W's threats are real, are you the person to deal with them? The DIL of a friend killed herself while her H was in the next room. Her H had taken on responsibility for his W's safety, and suffered terribly when he found out he wasn't perfect. If your W is suicidal, I think 911 or the suicide prevention hotline are the 1st resources to rely on. Even if you are a trained mental health professional with experience, training, and credentials in helping a suicidal person, don't professional ethics prohibit you from treating a family member?

[This message edited by sisoon at 11:43 AM, July 25th (Thursday)]

bradychu posted 7/25/2013 13:13 PM

I understand. Believe me, I have beat myself up on this quite a bit.

Am I being too protective? No, I don't think so. What I can tell you is she has dealt with severe depression for most of our married life. After the birth of our oldest, it was really bad. I spent a lot of sleepless nights worried about her doing something. She spent a LOT of time just in bed withdrawn, detached, depressed. I thought that was a bad time. The depression she entered after I discovered the affairs was worse.

She went to spend a weekend with her best friend (9-months post D-day). Her friend called me and let me know she and her husband were debating committing her. Apparently during the weekend they saw her a total of 30-minutes...the rest of the time she was in the bedroom.

Just my mentioning that I have a strong need to inform these men has thrown her into a debilitating funk. Lots of crying, withdraw from the family, sleep, etc.

Suicide, right now, is not a high risk; but, it is a possibility. Sinking into a DEEP depression is a very real possibility. Even if these betrayed spouses don't create the shit storm I anticipate, a deep depression is pretty much going to happen.

Right now (well before I brought this up to her) she was finally on an even keel. It had taken 14-months of work to get her there...

If it were just me, I could handle it. I could handle the fear of police harassment. I could handle the small town scorn. I could handle the raw embarrassment. Well, I think I could anyway. But, this is bigger than just what I can handle. I have to consider what she can handle. AND I have to consider what my sons will be put through.

I am just trying to figure out if there is a way to let them know without jeopardizing my family.

Rebreather posted 7/25/2013 13:19 PM

I assume your wife is in serious treatment for this depression?

If it just the men you want to inform, write them each a two sentence letter and leave it for them at work. "My wife has herpes. You need to get tested." I don't see that it needs to be any more detailed than that.

undonelife posted 7/26/2013 07:25 AM

Bradychu: Hire a PI and have him deliver the news in a letter at the doorstep. Have him deliver it to the BW's only. They have a right to know they might have a dangerous disease. It will affect their future children. They have to know. Very gently, your wife needs to be at an in-house facility for treatment for her depression. You shouldn't handle this on your own. Protecting her in this way may not be the best for her.

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