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Divorced after 23 years

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newstart2013 posted 7/24/2013 14:02 PM

My divorce was finalized this past February 2013 but the past year has seemed like a bad dream.

To start, just last February my wife and I were planning to go on a cruise and were planning to buy a new house and just 12 months later we are officially divorced.

The story, I found out last July 29th (On our 23rd Wedding Anniversary) that she had been cheating on me with a guy she met at work (I am 46 She is 45 and he is 62). I learned that this had been going on for over a year while I had taken a job 100 miles away from our home and was making a 4 hour commute daily to work to support her and our three daughters. I was completely blindsided and worse, she did not want to seek counseling and blamed it on me saying she had not been happy for a long time. She never told me she was unhappy. What makes this all the more selfish is that about 3 years ago she was diagnosed with kidney disease and was put on the transplant list. I was tested to see if I was a match but was told that I would not be allowed to donate because I was 20 pounds over weight. So I went on a strict diet and fitness plan and lost 50 pounds in order to donate a kidney to her. Ironically, as I was going back and forth to the kidney center for testing and to have my weight monitored, she was cheating on me with the other guy.

She seems like a totally foreign person to me. She refused to go to counseling, she began using profanity (which she never did before), She said that she is in love and wants to be with him. At first I refused the divorce and she got real violent. She physically fought me and then went to the hospital and said I assaulted her, when I still did not okay the divorce she called the police and said I raped her. Over 16 police officers showed up to my home with my three teenaged daughters crying as the police threw me down in my own home. It was only after a female office questioned my wife for over a half hour did she admit that nothing happened. At this point I had enough and went through with the divorce.

During the divorce process I moved to an apartment but she would call me every day sometimes 2 and 3 in the morning saying she wanted to talk and that she did not mean for this to happen but I never spoke with her for more than a minute before hanging up. Once the divorce was final she continued the affair with the other guy sometimes leaving my 16 year old autistic daughter alone by herself until midnight. When I learned of this I began getting my daughter after school and having her stay with me. My now ex-wife would get furious and call me when she arrived home demanding that I bring her daughter home and that I need to stop coming to the house unannounced to get her daughter. When I continued to look out for my child, my ex wife then filed a restraining order against me. I went to court the next week and easily won the case but am exhausted from all that has happened over the past year. I have also found out that she has had affairs with at least two other guys on her job during our marriage one of which got her pregnant.

I have been divorced now almost 6 months and I do not talk to my ex much at all anymore. I still feel angry, confused and betrayed. I gave her over 23 years of dedication and support. Even though she worked I paid all the bills (Mortgage, insurance, both cars, utilities, etc) Even gave her an additional $1,000 per month for children clothes and the like.

To this day she leaves work at 3:30pm and goes over to his house till 9 or 10pm on average with my youngest daughter at home. My oldest daughter was in college but moved back home to be with my youngest because my middle daughter has just started college. My ex now has my oldest daughter picking my youngest up from school, taking her to after school care and picking her up from there. This all seems bizarre but it has been my life for a year. I thought the divorce would give me a chance to heal and move on but things are even more bizarre than ever.

I found this site by surfing the web and hope that I can find some answers here.

kiki1 posted 7/24/2013 14:07 PM

I'm sorry newstart.

It looks as if you had no choice in divorcing. I'm sorry you were treated so badly.

your youngest daughter--would you be able to get custody of her? it sounds as if you need each other.

I'm afraid i wont be much help to you, not going through a divorce, but others will be along shortly to help you.

hugs newstart

heartache101 posted 7/24/2013 14:09 PM


WOW! A kidney! You donated her your kidney and she does this?? Can you get it back?? Just joking...

Hope you can read here and heal..

Wanted you to know you are not alone..

TheClimb posted 7/24/2013 14:21 PM

I am so sorry. What a horrible year you have had. Sounds to me like you tried to save your marriage, but you can't do it alone. I am hopeful that you will soon feel some peace.

If you haven't already, check out the Library at the top left corner of the screen. There are lots of posts by people in your situation that can help. You will see that you are not alone in your struggle. There is also a Divorce Forum and under I Can Relate, a forum for Betrayed Men.

You have done the very best that you could in such a tragic situation. This is in no way a fault of yours. I am betting that it won't be long until Mr. Wonderful (the old guy) is not so wonderful.

Keep posting...

AnotherTry posted 7/24/2013 14:58 PM

WOW! All I can say is you found the right place at the right time. Given all of the info you found out post separation probably spared you months/years of continuous lies. I'm sorry she's choosing to be a parent part-time, last time I checked it was a full-time job. At least your kids have one loving, always-faithful parent. God Bless, you will heal from this. You just have to get all of the emotions out and allow yourself to grieve. This loss if significant but your future is a lot brighter knowing you're not dragging around the lying, cheating spouse. You can find a woman who wants YOU for YOU and nothing more. Hugs.

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