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Newest Member: womanoverboard (61125)

User Topic: Resentful and Suspicous
♀ 39920
Member # 39920
Default  Posted: 3:00 PM, July 24th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My husband and I had a difficult time during my pregnancy and the following early months after having our daughter. We got into a huge fight one night, and I told him we were leaving to spend the night at my parents house. I mainly just wanted to cool off and have some time to myself, and also didn't want to argue in front of the baby. I sent him texts that night trying to work things out, but he didn't respond.

The following day I return home, less angry and wanting to work on things. Only to check our bank account online and see that he had spent $40 on a webcam session. Up until this point, I knew my husband watched porn and was okay with it. But this crossed a line, actually interacting with another woman sexually. In anger I told him that just because he paid for it doesn't mean it's not cheating, it just makes it pathetic. He apologized but didn't seem to think he was all that wrong "because he figured we were breaking up." I think this is bull- we never spoke of divorce, or legal separation, or someone moving out. And even if he truly did believe we were over, THAT is his priority when he thinks he's losing his family? He also said it was stupid and a waste of money. After being laid off a month after returning from maternity leave and having a new baby, I decided to let it go.

Since then, things have definitely improved for the better. We rarely fight, and have a lot more love for one another than we did at the time. But deep down this resentment is eating away at me (also, I'm pregnant again so I think my emotions are all over the place). Before all this, I never had any reason not to trust him. But now I don't.

I kept seeing withdrawals from the grocery store, and I became convinced he was buying prepaid credit cards to continue paying for webcam sessions (I didn't notice them until a week or so later, so I wasn't able to compare the bill to what he brought home). So I started checking his email, and in his spam folder I saw two messages from women asking him to check out their profile. It definitely appeared to be porn, and I assumed it was the webcam site (don't know why I didn't click on the links, oh how I wish I would have!). Also, these were the only two spam messages he had read.

I felt sick to my stomach and woke him up to confront him about all my suspicions. He seemed shocked and thought I was acting crazy. He said he read those messages because they looked like porn and that I knew he looks at porn. I believed him as he's never lied to me before, but then he told me to quit snooping and he changed his email password.

One day he left his email open, and I snooped. I found he had applied for a job we agreed he wouldn't, because it's hours away from where I'm getting my masters. I asked him about this, and he said it was "just in case this (our marriage) didn't work out." He said at the time we were always fighting and he wanted to have a back up plan. So at that point I knew that my husband WAS capable of hiding things from me.

I had always known his mom would give him a hundred dollars every time she visited, but one day I started thinking about how that money was never deposited to our bank account. I searched and found it hidden in a book in his drawer. There was only about $150 left, when he had probably given him at LEAST $400 over the past year. When I asked him about it, he gave me what was left but never really gave a clear answer on where the rest of it was spent. So now I am REALLY unsure of whether or not my husband is being honest with me.

Because of all this, I have developed a terrible insecurity that never used to be there. I'm young and pretty, but I've had a baby and I'm never going to look like the girls in those porns. So now I feel like I'm being compared to someone. We already have sex AT LEAST every other night, so I don't understand why I'm not enough. So now I'm totally not okay with him watching porn, the thought him watching someone else literally makes me feel sick to my stomach. I told him how I felt once, and he just said "you knew I watched porn when you married me."

Being pregnant on top of all this is making me seriously crazy. I'm super emotional and sensitive, and all I can think about is how unsexy I'm gonna be pregnant. Which is really sad, I want to just enjoy my pregnancy. But now I feel like I'm in competition with these perfect fantasy girls, and I've been watching what I eat and exercising like crazy just trying to not gain any extra weight.

The other night, we had an amazing date night. Went out to dinner alone, and swam in our pool at night. He suggested we watch an adult movie, and I figured better with me than without me. BAD BAD IDEA.. I was literally holding back tears the whole time because we'd be messing around and I'd look up to see him just watching the girl on the screen, like he was pretending it was her.

I feel so sick over all this and it's killing me. I don't need all this stress while pregnant, and on top of everything my husband is away out of town so I'm stuck at home alone with a baby dwelling on the past. I just don't know where to go from here or how to get past this

Sometimes I'm convinced he's doing something he's not supposed to, and other times I think I'm just overly paranoid and emotional. But the back and forth is making me feel crazy. My husband has just always seemed like such a loyal and honest person. But he is extremely difficult to communicate with, and I can never get him to open up. I usually get little to no response when trying to discuss feelings. Part of me believes he would never do that to me as he says, but then I think about how he already DID do something extremely hurtful.

Posts: 53 | Registered: Jul 2013
♂ 39992
Member # 39992
Default  Posted: 3:21 PM, July 24th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

First off, let me say Wow! That is a lot for a young married wife and mother to deal with. And it sounds like you are in school working towards your Masters Degree. Emotionally this must be very trying and draining for you with so many things you are trying to do and accomplish. I am a married male and have been with my wife for 23 years! Let me say that as a married male, I stay away from porn because all it does is give the viewer a false expectation of what intimacy should be with your spouse or significant other. It creates a fantasy that if it is not fullfilled at home, may force the person to seek it elsewhere. I respect your initial decision to look the other way when your husband is viewing porn online or whatever median he chooses, but let me just say that that was a mistake! You should continue to push for porn to be removed from your marriage, it is just not necessary! Anybody who recommends it probably has their own sexual deviancy to deal with.

Posts: 1 | Registered: Jul 2013 | From: Houston, TX
♀ 39920
Member # 39920
Default  Posted: 5:51 PM, July 24th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Yeah, and it doesn't help that he always uses private browsing, so I have no idea what he's even looking at. If I was able to see what porn he watched, I may feel better about it. At least then I'd know it's not webcam.

But he's made jokes about how I would hate the porn he watches, makes it seem like he's into extreme stuff. I just think the porn has shaped how he views sex, often pushing for things I'm not comfortable doing (and I'm not boring!). I know he wants me to get a boob job. And don't even get me started on the lack of foreplay... Seems like all of this stems from porn, he thinks all of it is the norm.

I've seriously considered a keylogger so I can make sure he's not doing anything behind my back, but I'm terrified he'll find it somehow and just think I'm even more crazy. Especially if he's not doing anything wrong.

Posts: 53 | Registered: Jul 2013
♀ 10468
Member # 10468
Default  Posted: 6:13 PM, July 24th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hugs and welcome to SI

I agree with your assessment about the porn. It does shape the way he reacts to sex and intimacy. It is also (IMO) addictive.

If it were me I would put the keylogger in if only for peace of mind. The fact is that he will not tell you exactly what kind of porn he is into. He only tells you that you wouldn't like it. I would feel very disconnected from him if I didn't know what he was into, especially having kids with him.

I'm sure by reading and posting here you will find your way through this mess.

Ddays 2004 & 2007
I cut my losses mid 2013
Feeling happier every day :)

Posts: 6715 | Registered: Apr 2006 | From: Florida
♀ 39920
Member # 39920
Default  Posted: 7:23 PM, July 24th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Yeah, I feel especially uncomfortable with porn now that I watched this TedTalks video talking about the way porn affects men and literally changes their brains like an addiction would. But it's hard to call my husbands use problematic since he's not choosing it over me or anything. So I'm sure he thinks I'm just being controlling because all men use porn so why can't he?

I really do want to install a key logger, and I've looked around. I'm just super concerned about getting one that's sketchy or detectable by him or spyware. I don't want him to think I don't trust him until I have more information.

I've been picking the scab really bad, even though this happened like 6 months ago. All I really knew was that he paid for a webcam session, so today I made account at the site to try and get more info. Id always wanted to believe it was just him being able to watch a live girl, so I accepted that as the truth. It was the least painful option.

After checking out the site, I see it could just be a spy cam like I'd hoped, or it could be her on video and him just messaging her what to do, OR it could be both of them on camera. The second two options make me feel so sick, and I think I'm figuring out that I need to know EXACTLY what happened before I can move on.

Posts: 53 | Registered: Jul 2013
♀ 21183
Member # 21183
Default  Posted: 10:35 PM, July 24th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage


Do I have this correct:

You have a young child...your are pregnant...and you're working on your Master's Degree.

Does this PORN-Watching husband of your's WORK...does he have a full-time JOB?

You're pregnant - SO, I'm not sure this is a good idea:

and I've been watching what I eat and exercising like crazy just trying to not gain any extra weight

I also want to say:
It's not true "that all men watch PORN!!"

I think your husband has a PROBLEM with honesty, respect towards you...and I'd suggest he has a "problem with PORN."

Me BS 59
WH 58
Married 19 years
D-Day Nov 3, 2005
Child: Adopted Daughter 21 College Student now

I can understand being alone; but I hate being with someone and feeling lonely.

Posts: 6216 | Registered: Oct 2008 | From: PA
♀ 39920
Member # 39920
Default  Posted: 11:42 AM, July 25th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Yes, I'm 23 and finishing up my teaching degree. I have a 9 month old and am 3 months pregnant. I got laid off from my job a month after returning from maternity leave, so now I stay home with my daughter and take classes. My husband works full time as an archaeologist, so he travels a lot (especially during the summer). He's also finishing up getting his teaching certificate, and should have it in 6 months.

My husband means well. I know he wouldn't do anything to be intentionally hurtful, but I can see him keeping something from me if he doesn't think it's a big deal but knows I would be upset. I'm not saying that I know he's doing this, but it is possible. Also, I know not all men watch porn, I was just saying that my husband's argument would be that it's normal.

I've decided to buy a key logger, and will install it on his computer once he returns home Friday. I've noticed the webcam site he used also allows users to watch girls for free and even message them. So even if he's not spending money on it, he could still be watching and at this point I am absolutely not okay with ANY sort of live porn. I just have to have this peace of mind before I can move on.

Posts: 53 | Registered: Jul 2013
♀ 30826
Member # 30826
Default  Posted: 11:45 AM, July 25th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

He is doing something that hurts you..and it is intentional. He knows how you feel about porn,yet he is choosing to use it anyway.

I think a keylogger is a great plan.

FWH 48
4 kids
M: June 2001
D-Day: 8/10/10

..that feeling you get in your stomach, when you heart's broken. It's like all the butterflies just died.

Posts: 15220 | Registered: Jan 2011
♀ 21183
Member # 21183
Default  Posted: 12:22 AM, July 28th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage


Your husband IS INTENTIONALLY watching PORN, and he knows this upsets you.

He's spending money on webcam - and that upsets. He's withdrawing money from the grocery store, and not accounting for it...
Her's receiving messages from WOMEN, asking them to check their profiles...
He's not being accountable with the MONEY he receives from his Mother.

I'd suggest: Your husband's behaviors/actions ARE INTETIONAL hurtful...but it's your marriage; and you can do whatever you choose. But you asked, and these are the opinions you are being given.

Me BS 59
WH 58
Married 19 years
D-Day Nov 3, 2005
Child: Adopted Daughter 21 College Student now

I can understand being alone; but I hate being with someone and feeling lonely.

Posts: 6216 | Registered: Oct 2008 | From: PA
Topic Posts: 9

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