I can only offer my experience...which is that it took my FWH some time...about 4 months..to really start grasping what type of behavior I needed from him.
What did I need from him? I needed him to put my feelings of comfort above his own. He had to be transparent..He gave up his cell phone, immediately, so that wasn't a problem.
1. He had to be forthcoming with any info that I asked about.
2. He also had to tell me, without any prompting from me, about any contact with the OW..examples..f he should happen to be in the same place as her by chance, or if she should contact him, (which she did).
3. He had to take responsibility for his A and not put any blame on me for it.
There are more, but these were big for me.
Frankly, I couldn't be in a M where there is the kind of "off limits" that you and your W have...regardless of whether there was infidelity or not.
I wish you well..
How does one know, is there a test of some sort to determine someone's remorsefulness?
There is, and your WW is failing it. She should be doing everything within has power to prove to you that she is maintaining No Contact (NC) with the other man (OM). She should maker her life transparent to you in order to provide you with comfort that it is safe to "Not Divorce" while you decide what you want.
She should be seeking out individual counseling (IC) and books to figure out why she found herself in the position you found her in.
To be honest, it seems to take wayward spouses (WS) time to get from being caught to being remorseful (if they ever get there).
I think you may be early to think about Reconciliation, and for now you might be better focusing on what you need to “Not Divorce” her for the time being. What boundaries do you need in place to feel safe enough to stay while she tries to figure things out, you heal, and then you can both work on your M if you are so inclined.
A start would be the transparency I referred to above. You should have access to her phone text, and use records, her email accounts, and bank balances. You might ask about the whole story, surly the OM in bed was not the first time. You mention the red flag behaviors existing for a long time, what about the As? My wife had 4 OM (that I know of), over a period of years.
You said she says she will not do it again, but why not? She should be able to provide her reason for having an A (and it was nothing that YOU did or did not do). Once she knows why she had an A, she can work on changing her behaviors and beliefs that led to her having an A. Then, and only then, can she really begin to say she will never do it again.
You may want to attend some IC for yourself to help work through your emotions post dday, but I do not believe that marriage counseling (MC) can be of much help this early on. It was not the M that was broken, it was your wayward wife (WW), and she needs to be fixed before MC can help. Until she understands why she had her A and stops thinking in wayward modes, it is hard to get to the real problems.
While you are setting your boundaries for your WW, and watching to see if her actions say she wants to stay M to you, you should take time to protect yourself. You should have an account of your own like your WW does. You should find opportunities to get finances in better order (pay down bills, build up savings) in case you decide you do want a divorce.
Finally, do you know who the OM was in bed? If not, she should tell you, another good requirement to stay and not divorce. If he is married you should let his betrayed spouse (BS) know. Do not tell your WW you are going to tell, just do it if you can.
Best wishes to you. SI is a good place with great advice. When you get the time, come to the Betrayed Men thread in I Can Relate and say Hi to us there too.
I don't know much of your story, but keep in mind "people with nothing to hide, hide nothing"
You should absolutely have access to her facebook, email, phone..what ever you want. She has broken the trust that you two created over 13 years. Not just broken it, but blasted it to hell. Her word to you is shit right now.
Read up on the healing library (top corner yellow box in the corner) There are some excellent articles in there.
Sorry you are here brother.
The key is for you to heal yourself. You've got to recognize and process your own grief, anger, and fear. Focus on that for now.
Your W has proven you can't trust her when she's out of your sight. In fact she's shown you can't trust her fully when she's within your sight. The way for her to start to rebuild trust is to be transparent and honest, in addition to being NC, starting IC, and continuing MC - that means FB, email, phone, banking, and regular updates on were she is, what she's doing, and who her companions are. If she's not doing that, she's not remorseful.
There's nothing you can do about her behavior except ask her to change. You do not and cannot control her. You do control yourself, and it's especially important that you focus on your own healing because she's not remorseful.
You might check into the Healing Library and look especially for info on the 180.
Actions are the only things that count.
It's up to your WW to prove to you that she means what she says.
As for takng the kids away from you, you have grounds for having custody. You caught her in bed with the OM with your kids in the house. Not good.
Stay strong.
"Affairs are not mistakes, they are a series of deliberate choices." - CrappyLife "Regret is when you realize you broke your own heart. Remorse is when you realize you broke someone else's." - Blakesteele
