"You can survive this. Talk to others that have"

Phoenix9572 posted 7/24/2013 15:51 PM

My WH and I had been on a roller coaster since last September when he decided he had to leave me and our 2 sons (13, 11 at time) to figure out what he wanted. He was gone for 3 days and I was a mess. He assured me there was no one else but he needed to get his head straight before he made a bad decision. He came back with a laundry list of things that had been bugging him about our marriage that he felt needed to change for him to want to continue. Most of them I understood but I felt like I was being compared to another person but I tried really hard to work on these items - losing weight, updating my style, better communication, etc.

Now before all this, he had recently hired a young (25) assistant that he described to me on the day he interviewed her as 25, blond and beautiful. Well, at 40, I'm not feeling so beautiful any more. You could tell by the way he talked about her that he was smitten. But according to him I was making stuff up.
We started going to a MC but after a couple of months he quit wanting to go. Now we had been limping along ok - ups and downs and a couple of major blow ups that led us both to consult lawyers. No papers were filed and we went back to working on our marriage.
Now his job requires him to have evening meetings or entertain clients occassionally. I was noticing that the assistant was attending more of these evening activites and he felt compelled to give her a ride to and from the event. I felt like he was playing with fire! I printed out several emails about how to avoid an affair because I could see he was on a slippery slope with this woman - who by the way is also having problems in her marriage. I sent the articles with him to read over a hunting weekend. He comes back home on Sunday (end of April) and is acting weird. Finally, after a few days he confesses that he is very attracted to his assistant and that if she returned his feelings he probably would not still be here with me. Wow! This was blow #1. Needless to say this is hard to take especially as he shares more details like how he's fantasized about her as we have sex but I should be OK because he's brought all that tension home to me. Ahhh!
Then as I'm still dealing with knowing he's going ot work everyday with his fantasy girl I start noticing that he's on his phone surfing or texting all the time. The phone stays on his person all the time. Things are starting to not feel right and I begin to get nosy - not something I'm proud of at all. I start tracking his cell phone when he leaves for work and when he's on his way home. Over the next couple of weeks I see that he goes and sits in shopping store parking lots for quite a while. He even buys a Wal-mart prepaid card one morning. Weird. When I question him on it - he gives me some lame reason about people at work seeing transactions and he was going to buy me some lingerie. I sort of believed him but it still didn't feel right.
I keep watching him and also start looking at our cell phone bills. He is texting people constantly. One day there is this number that is constant back and forth and I see that he drives to a town about 1 hour away during lunch. He never tells me about this trip.
Finally one night we are sitting out side and as usual he's messing on his phone so I pull mine out to pass time until he's done. I check my FB and surprisingly he's listed as a person I may know - he's never had a FB acct before and has always sworn never to have one. He's got one friend - a woman. I ask him about it and she was a girl he dated in high school. I was so frustrated and hurt I started talking about how if we don't have trust between us we don't have anything. I ask him - what else don't I know? He says - I had sex 2x outside our marriage before we had kids - both ONS. I'm floored - blow #2. Lots of questions about the whos, whens, whys and I get some straight answers and some vague. Somehow things circle around to the Wal-mart card and he tells me that he's subscribed to 3 different dating web-sites. Blow #3.
My immideate reaction is to ask him to leave the house and he starts to pack things up. Then I start to think about the kids. I can't imagine telling our boys that this is who their father is really like. I decided to let him stay but sleep in the basement. The kids will not notice.
Now at this point we have just started a new MC and I have an IC with her the next day. Boy did I have a lot to unload. Now because we have been married for almost 18 years and together for 21 - I can sort of let the ONS slide only because we have been through so much togehter over the years. The dating sites that was a whole different ball of wax. By the end of the week we sat down at the computer and he deleted all the accounts and extra email accounts in front of me. Called Walmart and had the remaining money sent in a check to the house. (BTW he had taken more money from one of our kids savings accounts to add to the card).
Now I'm trying really hard to work on forgiveness and moving forward. Trying to resist the urge to check up on him and believe that he's truly committed to making things work between us.
A couple more weeks go by and we are getting ready to go on an international trip. Part of my prep was to get our phones set up for international calling. I pull up our account to see our usage so I can buy the appropriate plan - strangely our usage is just as high as when he was surfing those dating sites. WTH? So I go poking. I discover that he's been texting someone almost daily for the last 6 - 8 weeks or so. Blow #4 I bring it up in counseling and he admits that it is just a friend to talk to and it's nothing else. He will quit communicating with her. BTW she's a client and she's older.
I think I'm at the end of the line and can't believe I'm getting ready go out of the country with this man for 3 weeks. Crazy! But I listen to all the assurances and even our MC believes he's sincere. So I go on the trip. We have a wonderful time - probably the best vacation we have ever taken. It was easy to be in a bubble and not think about all this poop swimming around us over the last 6 weeks.
Now we have been back from our trip and things have been off between us again. He had his IC yesterday and shares some of the discussion with me. He told the MC that he felt like soemthing was missing between us - WOW! I feel like I'm never ever going to be enough. Yeah, maybe I'm not over the top lovey dovey but it's really hard to make a choice every day to love someone who's been unfaithful to you. I also found out that the 2 ONS were each with OLDER women. Shocked again!
I asked our MC if I was being a doormat and tryng to forgive and move past too much. She said I wasn't but I'm really struggling with what is real and how I should be dealing with all this. My WH seems to think that I should be able to move past it all now. Really? The thought that keeps running through my mind - along with all sorts of lovely images - is what else don't I know? Where's the next blow?

Thanks for reading. Sorry if it came off random but it was the easiest way to get it off my chest.

nowiknow23 posted 7/24/2013 17:58 PM

First things first - Welcome to SI, Phoenix.

Wow, honey. I hope you don't mind me being blunt, but that is a steaming dump truck full of shit that he's unloaded on you.

Somehow YOU'RE the problem? Your weight, style, etc. are the reason the marriage needs work???? SERIOUSLY??? Please PLEASE tell me you aren't buying that crap.

He has been unfaithful repeatedly. He has been lusting after his assistant, trolling dating sites, covering up ONS from years ago, but that's not the problem? It boggles the mind.

My WH seems to think that I should be able to move past it all now.

Of COURSE he does. What's the bid deal? It's all in the past, right? Except? It isn't. He isn't owning any of his actions.

The thought that keeps running through my mind - along with all sorts of lovely images - is what else don't I know? Where's the next blow?

Sweetie - I hate that I think you're right on this. There's not just smoke here, there's a raging forest fire. His actions make him a dangerous person to trust right now. Dangerous in that he has no problem lying to you, demeaning you, blaming you for everything, and potentially exposing you to STDs.

Speaking of which, you need to get tested. Even though the ONS were a while ago, you absolutely HAVE to get tested.

And one more TERIIBLY important thing -

I feel like I'm never ever going to be enough.

You, my dear, are not the one falling short. He has made a hobby of making you feel like you aren't enough in order to justify his continued actions. But he's the one who isn't measuring up here. Not by a long shot.

((((hugs)))) Keep posting. We're here.

Jrazz posted 7/24/2013 18:30 PM

Hey Phoenix! I'm glad you found us.

You should never ever feel like you are being compared to someone else. Not only is it pointless, but in this case it's blameshifting off the entire point - which is that your WH has crap boundaries and coping skills, not to mention morals.

Take a deep breath, and take care of yourself. We're here for you.

Phoenix9572 posted 7/25/2013 13:42 PM

nowiknow23

Thanks for the bluntness - sometimes even when it smells like crap and looks like crap you make excuses and say it will be good for the flowers. :)
Someday's its easy to be strong and not pay attention to all that's been heaped on me but I've been hearing these messages for years. Hard to reprogram yourself.
I just don't know what to believe and what direction to go in any more. IC and MC seem to help but I feel like I could be in IC everyday instead of every other week.

Jrazz - thanks for the welcome. I have a feeling I will be pouring out my soul often.