You can call me NIK
First things first - Welcome to SI, Phoenix.
Wow, honey. I hope you don't mind me being blunt, but that is a steaming dump truck full of shit that he's unloaded on you.
Somehow YOU'RE the problem? Your weight, style, etc. are the reason the marriage needs work???? SERIOUSLY??? Please PLEASE tell me you aren't buying that crap.
He has been unfaithful repeatedly. He has been lusting after his assistant, trolling dating sites, covering up ONS from years ago, but that's not the problem? It boggles the mind.
My WH seems to think that I should be able to move past it all now.
Of COURSE he does. What's the bid deal? It's all in the past, right? Except? It isn't. He isn't owning any of his actions.
The thought that keeps running through my mind - along with all sorts of lovely images - is what else don't I know? Where's the next blow?
Sweetie - I hate that I think you're right on this. There's not just smoke here, there's a raging forest fire. His actions make him a dangerous person to trust right now. Dangerous in that he has no problem lying to you, demeaning you, blaming you for everything, and potentially exposing you to STDs.
Speaking of which, you need to get tested. Even though the ONS were a while ago, you absolutely HAVE to get tested.
And one more TERIIBLY important thing -
I feel like I'm never ever going to be enough.
You, my dear, are not the one falling short. He has made a hobby of making you feel like you aren't enough in order to justify his continued actions. But he's the one who isn't measuring up here. Not by a long shot.
((((hugs)))) Keep posting. We're here.
“The most difficult times for many of us are the ones we give ourselves.”
― Pema Chödrön