"You can survive this. Talk to others that have"

friendlyfrog101 posted 7/24/2013 16:16 PM

My husband and I have been together for 3 years now. Five months ago, we had a little baby girl.
I've always trusted him and never once thought that he would do this to me....especially considering that we were both cheated on in our past relationships.

He left his phone out when he was in the shower....and I know it was wrong...but I snooped through his phone. I read his past messages from a girl I knew he has been friends with for a while and I found some very upsetting messages.
It looks like the messages started when my daughter was a month old...and ended (with the sexual type messages anyway) about a month or two back.

This girl sent him photos of her private area...and a topless photo...and he sent her a nude photo back.

And get this...he tried convincing her to come over when I was out with friends the first time that I ever went out after having our daughter!

What hurts the most, though, is the fact that he sent her a message saying he wished she was his wife.

I confronted him about it, and he confessed. He said that they never did anything...that they hung out once and didn't even hug (I do believe him...because of what was said in some of the messages)
I asked this girl...and she confirmed the story.

He told me there was no reason that he did it...other than being a drunk asshole. My husband has a drinking problem...and he is a totally different person when he is drunk. I know that is not an excuse..but I can see alcohol coming into play.

He is totally remorseful...snot-nosed, crying, scared about me leaving him. He apologizes constantly, most of the time he's the one that brings it up. (I found out two or three weeks ago)

I'm just so hurt by his actions...I don't know how to let go. I love him so much...and we have a daughter to think about.

This may be TMI...but the only explanation I can think of is our lack of sex the first months after our daughter was born. I tried to please him anyway, even though intercourse was painful most of the time.

He cut off all contact with the girl...blocked her from Facebook and what not. I have Verizon....he doesn't know, but I can monitor who he is calling or texting...and he hasn't called or texted anyone but me, his brother-in-law and boss after the incident.

I told him that if it ever happens again, I will leave. I also made him give up the alcohol...told him that he could only drink on occasion. He agreed and promised to make things better.

I just don't know how to move on. I'm so deeply hurt. I've also heard people say, Once a cheater, always a cheater"...but I don't know if that is true. I don't want to leave him...but part of me wishes that I could find someone who would never do that to me.

Will healing just take time? :/

nowiknow23 posted 7/24/2013 17:45 PM

Welcome to SI, friendlyfrog. I'm so glad you found us, even though I wish you had no reason to be here.

A couple of quick things -

the only explanation I can think of is our lack of sex the first months after our daughter was born

DO NOT go there. The reason he cheated is that he wanted to and could. NONE of the responsibility for his actions is on you OR your sex life. Period. Trust us on this one - it is simply NOT your fault.

I'm just so hurt by his actions...I don't know how to let go.

Letting go of it is not healthy and will not help you and your WH heal what's been broken. The only way to move forward, regardless of whether it's together or separately, is to face what has happened and work to heal it.

Here's the thing - that's not on you. You can't fix him. And you alone cannot repair your marriage.

For now, your only focus should be taking care of yourself and your daughter. You have suffered a trauma. Your body and your mind will go through some pretty tough stuff coping with that trauma. So self care is critical, especially with a little one to care for.

Drink plenty of water. Try to eat something, even if you don't have an appetite. Work at getting sleep - I know, next to impossible with a wee one, but it's so terribly critical in the coming days and weeks. If you struggle with it, reach out to your doctor for help.

While you're here, read up in the Healing Library. And post as often as you need to. We're here for you, honey.

Jrazz posted 7/24/2013 18:39 PM

One of the best pieces of advice that people gave me in the beginning was the gentle reminder that I didn't have to make any decisions right away.

Our brains are so scrambled - -even though we are desperate for some kind of direction, it's just not the right time to make any longterm decisions.

Right now you just need to take care of yourself and your sweet little girl. As your wits come back, you will feel more and more strongly about what you want based on how his behavior unfolds.

Sending hugs to you.

(((friendlyfrog101)))

friendlyfrog101 posted 7/24/2013 18:54 PM

Thank you, guys!
It's nice to hear from people who have experienced this as well.

It's just so hard to deal with.

I agree about the not making decisions now!
Right now I keep going back and forth with wanting to stay and go :(

Thank goodness I have my daughter. Sorta keeps my mind off of things.

I just want to know that a person can change. I know he regrets what he did. I just can't believe he was willing to risk losing his daughter and I for one of his skanky, trashy friends. :/

doggiemom12 posted 7/24/2013 19:47 PM

Sorry you are here. Please take care of yourself and your daughter. That all that matters right now.

Can he change? Who knows. He has just shown you who he is - I would believe him.
He is a cheater and a drunk. Do you really want to stay with a man like that? It will require tremendous work on HIS part to overcome this. Is he up to it?

Protect yourself now. He will not protect you. Trust me on this.

You need to be prepared to move forward without him. Try and get your mind to move to that point.

In the meantime sleep, eat, drink, breathe, take care of your daughter.

Hugs.