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Want out but have 4 kids

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hurtincolorado posted 7/24/2013 18:31 PM

Most of the posts I have read or stories I hear are about a woman whose husband has cheated, she wants out but feels trapped by having kids.
Well men can feel that way too. Its not financial, although obviously that would hurt. Its my kids. They look to us as their role models, their picture of a perfect family. I am their rock, she is their mother. Part of me wants to leave her but I can't bear the idea of the pain it will cause to our kids. We are in therapy and she says all the right things but I feel anxious all the time, depressed, have little joy and I have an overwhelming sense of loss. It has been two years. Some healing in beginning but we have stalled and I am not where I need to be to have a fulfilling marriage. Any thoughts?

AFrayedKnot posted 7/24/2013 18:55 PM

I am sorry you are here. At first I stayed for the kids. Some days they are still my only source of strength. If you want to make it work you both need to be committed 100%.

What is she doing to make you feel safe?

What is she doing to make herself safe?

What are you doing for you?

What are the two of you doing together to strengthen your M?

Holly-Isis posted 7/24/2013 18:56 PM

I'm just so sorry you find yourself here. It's very hard work to reconcile and often we have doubts.

I feel especially for BHs because so often cheating isn't accounted for in the D so they suffer by having their kids on a reduced custody schedule.

mchercheur posted 7/24/2013 20:04 PM

hurtincolorado,
I could have written your post, word for word, except I am the BW.
I just keep telling myself:
"I'm staying for the kids."
I would never do anything to destroy their world. I can wait until we have an empty nest, & then leave. WH has until then to shape up.
Sending you strength.

noescape posted 7/24/2013 21:42 PM

Count me in too, almost the same sich, 3 years and 4 kids. Head out to the betrayed men's thread in I can relate. It'll help your personal growth and healing by bounds.

Fred63 posted 7/24/2013 21:59 PM

I hear you I have 3 kids myself. I caught my wife cheating 10 years ago and I'm just as angry and resentful as I was when I found out. we don't fight much but occasionally I will explode at little things she does as if "how dare she". we have never seen a counselor, and I have never cheated on her, and don't even want to. Its strange _ I use to joke about leaving her when our youngest graduated HS, and that will be in 2 years. maybe I should I just don't want to hurt the kids. I'm also afraid they will see me as the bad guy and side with their mother without knowing the truth! That would devastate me! Sometimes I hope that reincarnation is a reality and maybe I will find true love and happiness in my next life??

Dare2Trust posted 7/24/2013 22:04 PM

hurtincolorado,

I do understand.

BUT - You can be a great hands-on-father; if you are divorced.

My ex-husband and I had JOINT CUSTODY of my two grown sons; and we successfully CO-PARENTED our sons together. He was/IS a wonderful father...and he and I have remained good friends over the years.
It takes work; but it is possible.

A lot depends on how old your children are. I couldn't see myself remaining in a dead-in-marriage for many many years: SO Joint-Custody and Co-Parenting was a wonderful solution in my situation.

I wouldn't spend MY LIFE in an unhappy marriage "for the sake of the kids." From my experience - No One is s real winner in that situation.

purplejacket4 posted 7/24/2013 22:55 PM

Your kids might know more than you think. I certainly did.

I BEGGED my father (BS) to divorce my mother (WW) when I was 15. He refused because he wanted to spare her/me the "family breakup." It was awful. I got to see years of dysfunction and didn't have the first clue in how to have a relationship.

So take that POV for what it's worth.

ChesterChump posted 7/24/2013 23:59 PM

I'm in the same boat although I have an unremorseful WW. I don't want to give up, at best, 50% of my time with the kids and face trying to co-parent with a person who can't be trusted and clearly is willing to put her own selfish "needs" ahead of parenting.

7 months out and I've resigned myself to accepting that, divorce or no divorce, I won't be able to get this toxic person out of my life so I just need to be the best dad I can be and find a way to remain civil to her. I think of it as a "happiness tax" since my kids are my world and, unlike my WW, actually want to spend as much time as possible with them.

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