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Newest Member: Howtotrust (61551)

User Topic: Want out but have 4 kids
♂ 40001
Member # 40001
Default  Posted: 6:31 PM, July 24th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Most of the posts I have read or stories I hear are about a woman whose husband has cheated, she wants out but feels trapped by having kids.
Well men can feel that way too. Its not financial, although obviously that would hurt. Its my kids. They look to us as their role models, their picture of a perfect family. I am their rock, she is their mother. Part of me wants to leave her but I can't bear the idea of the pain it will cause to our kids. We are in therapy and she says all the right things but I feel anxious all the time, depressed, have little joy and I have an overwhelming sense of loss. It has been two years. Some healing in beginning but we have stalled and I am not where I need to be to have a fulfilling marriage. Any thoughts?

Posts: 38 | Registered: Jul 2013 | From: Colorado
♂ 36622
Member # 36622
Default  Posted: 6:55 PM, July 24th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I am sorry you are here. At first I stayed for the kids. Some days they are still my only source of strength. If you want to make it work you both need to be committed 100%.

What is she doing to make you feel safe?

What is she doing to make herself safe?

What are you doing for you?

What are the two of you doing together to strengthen your M?

BS 42
fWS 38 (SurprisinglyOkay)
A whole bunch of shit that got a lot worse before it got better.
"Knowing is half the battle"

Posts: 2859 | Registered: Aug 2012
♀ 13447
Member # 13447
Default  Posted: 6:56 PM, July 24th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'm just so sorry you find yourself here. It's very hard work to reconcile and often we have doubts.

I feel especially for BHs because so often cheating isn't accounted for in the D so they suffer by having their kids on a reduced custody schedule.

"Being in love" first moved them to promise fidelity: this quieter love enables them to keep the promise. *CS Lewis*

Posts: 11650 | Registered: Jan 2007 | From: Just a fool in limbo
♀ 37735
Member # 37735
Default  Posted: 8:04 PM, July 24th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I could have written your post, word for word, except I am the BW.
I just keep telling myself:
"I'm staying for the kids."
I would never do anything to destroy their world. I can wait until we have an empty nest, & then leave. WH has until then to shape up.
Sending you strength.

Me: BW
Him: WH --Had 10 mo. EA/ PA with COW; Dday 5/2011
Married 28 years/Together 29 years/4 kids together
OW 20 years younger than us/divorced no kids
Trying to R; don't know what the final outcome will be

Posts: 2478 | Registered: Dec 2012
♂ 34888
Member # 34888
Default  Posted: 9:42 PM, July 24th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Count me in too, almost the same sich, 3 years and 4 kids. Head out to the betrayed men's thread in I can relate. It'll help your personal growth and healing by bounds.

Posts: 739 | Registered: Feb 2012
♂ 40015
Member # 40015
Default  Posted: 9:59 PM, July 24th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I hear you I have 3 kids myself. I caught my wife cheating 10 years ago and I'm just as angry and resentful as I was when I found out. we don't fight much but occasionally I will explode at little things she does as if "how dare she". we have never seen a counselor, and I have never cheated on her, and don't even want to. Its strange _ I use to joke about leaving her when our youngest graduated HS, and that will be in 2 years. maybe I should I just don't want to hurt the kids. I'm also afraid they will see me as the bad guy and side with their mother without knowing the truth! That would devastate me! Sometimes I hope that reincarnation is a reality and maybe I will find true love and happiness in my next life??

Posts: 1 | Registered: Jul 2013
♀ 21183
Member # 21183
Default  Posted: 10:04 PM, July 24th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage


I do understand.

BUT - You can be a great hands-on-father; if you are divorced.

My ex-husband and I had JOINT CUSTODY of my two grown sons; and we successfully CO-PARENTED our sons together. He was/IS a wonderful father...and he and I have remained good friends over the years.
It takes work; but it is possible.

A lot depends on how old your children are. I couldn't see myself remaining in a dead-in-marriage for many many years: SO Joint-Custody and Co-Parenting was a wonderful solution in my situation.

I wouldn't spend MY LIFE in an unhappy marriage "for the sake of the kids." From my experience - No One is s real winner in that situation.

Me BS 59
WH 58
Married 19 years
D-Day Nov 3, 2005
Child: Adopted Daughter 21 College Student now

I can understand being alone; but I hate being with someone and feeling lonely.

Posts: 6216 | Registered: Oct 2008 | From: PA
♀ 34262
Member # 34262
Default  Posted: 10:55 PM, July 24th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Your kids might know more than you think. I certainly did.

I BEGGED my father (BS) to divorce my mother (WW) when I was 15. He refused because he wanted to spare her/me the "family breakup." It was awful. I got to see years of dysfunction and didn't have the first clue in how to have a relationship.

So take that POV for what it's worth.

Me: BS 48
Her: FWS 51 (both family med MDs; together 21 years)
OW: who cares (PhD)
Dday: 10/11: 11/11 TT for months; NC 8/12
"band aids don't fix bullet holes" Taylor Swift
I NEVER mind medical ???

Posts: 3006 | Registered: Dec 2011 | From: Here
♂ 38094
Member # 38094
Default  Posted: 11:59 PM, July 24th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'm in the same boat although I have an unremorseful WW. I don't want to give up, at best, 50% of my time with the kids and face trying to co-parent with a person who can't be trusted and clearly is willing to put her own selfish "needs" ahead of parenting.

7 months out and I've resigned myself to accepting that, divorce or no divorce, I won't be able to get this toxic person out of my life so I just need to be the best dad I can be and find a way to remain civil to her. I think of it as a "happiness tax" since my kids are my world and, unlike my WW, actually want to spend as much time as possible with them.

Posts: 26 | Registered: Jan 2013
Topic Posts: 9

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