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I want to get out now!!!

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roadtorecovery21 posted 7/24/2013 19:31 PM

I am not familiar with the abbreviations as of yet so please bear with me. I have been in a up and down relationship with an older guy for 5 years now. Im in my mid 20s his knocking on 40. At first our relationship was very passionate. Come to think of it now. It was very sexual but I got to fall in love with him beyond the sheets. Early on he indicated his intentions to marry me but I was very goal oriented at the time and was focused on my education. I insisted we wait till my graduation but I guess he couldn't coz he had a one night stand with a co worker that resulted in a pregnancy and he decided to tell me when she was due in a month. I was devasted but he seemed remorseful and did not want to lose me. He claimed responsibility of the child and ended up being father of the year. Needless to say that is when the can of worms opened. He began to be distant and difficult to reach. He would say he would be spending time with his child but come to find out, he was spending time with the mother too. He stopped taking me out or making an effort to spend time with me. Till i saw pictures of fb that had him and his "family" at the beach the day after my birthday! (only got a cupcake with a broken candle on it). The fights became frequent. but I stayed and fought for my relationship. One valentines he told me he was working. So i thought i would surprise him when he came back-had the keys to his place. I ended up getting the surprise. I opened the door and found them having a candle light dinner with wine. I was gutted. It was ugly but I walked away. He ended up calling the cops while I was leaving and said I was harrasing them. I know I should have bolted my heels but I didn't want to lose him. And after that incident blew over, it seems he didn't either. So we talked and reconciled but honestly the trust had gone. I graduated and was ready to take our relationship to the next step but suddenly he would avoid the topic whenever I brought it up. He would say he needs a better job to take care of his child. So he changed jobs but that move became the death sentence to our relationship. He hooked up with another co worker and yes you guessed it. She got pregnant. I had a nagging feeling something was "off" till I started snooping around his phone, emails etc, till I saw a text on his phone with a picture of an ultrasound and a statement saying. I can't wait!! I was LIVID...Not again!! he told me he wasn't sure if it wasn't him or if she was going to keep the baby and other b.s statements!! So this was another "incident" all over again! he said he still loved me and was sorry. So the new gal popped the baby and again played his father of the year role well. But this is the kicker. His first child's mother is pregnant again! I am so raw, feel betrayed, hopeless, destroyed. I keep asking myself how can someone who claims to love me, go out of his way to step out on me twice and come to find out, he is a flirtmaster #1 at his job. Sexting his coworkers. You can imagine the snide looks I would get everytime I dropped his lunch and would leave a note that I was his gf! The redflags were there but I chose to ignore them. I hate myself for letting myself be so naive. The funny thing is after discovering the 3rd pregnancy, I haven't confronted him about it, he has not called me or texted me and im suspecting he knows I know. I just want to put closure to all this b.s but I am so emotionally drained I don't even know if its worth even having the conversation. I know I am tired of playing FBI and checking up on his every move! Its exhausting! I am Exhausted. I need out now! Is there light at the end of the tunnel coz I am literally sick of this dark bottomless pit I am in!

outtanowhere posted 7/24/2013 20:03 PM

I'm so very sorry to have to welcome you here but, this is this place that will restore your sanity. Honey, I think you already know what the answer to this dilemma is but, if you need affirmation, here it is. Run far, far away & do it now! There is nothing about this story that has a happy ending. You are young, educated & have a wonderful life ahead of you but, not with this loser. He comes with WAAAYYY too much baggage both physically & emotionally. It sounds like he is severely broken & incapable of understanding the beauty of a committed relationship. I feel awful for those innocent babies.

Your brain is trying to process this mess. You need to try to rest and, trust me, I know that's really hard to do right now. Whenever you feel like eating try to eat lots of protein foods to help your body during this time of stress & drink lots of fluids to stay hydrated.

Try to see what kind of future you are looking at if you stay with this man & his 3 children & their mother. You have worked hard to get where you are & deserve to be treated with love & respect. You are worth so much more!

This man has shown you several times who he is & you need to believe him. Don't waste another day trying to figure his mess out.

Take care of you & please keep posting. There are so many wise people here that will give you some very invaluable advice. This site has been my salvation during my darkest hours & we will all be here for you too.

(((roadtorecovery21))) cyber hugs!

MovingUpward posted 7/24/2013 20:05 PM

What an awful set of experiences that you've been enduring. Healing can certainly be found for you. It will take time and there will be some work on your part but you can get there. Please take the time to read in the forums and the Healing Library.

nowiknow23 posted 7/24/2013 20:07 PM

Wow, honey. You've been through SO MUCH at the hands of this guy. I can't begin to imagine what you must be feeling.

First things first - welcome to SI. I'm so very glad you found us.

You come across as a very intelligent, driven woman. You must know that he is showing you who he is and what life would continue to be like with him.

I don't even know if its worth even having the conversation
Truthfully, honey - what good would that conversation possibly do for you? He lies. He cheats. He rinses and repeats. There's no possible justification for his actions. He is a profoundly damaged lothario, and those kids? They are NEVER going away, which also means that their mothers are never going away.

My advice? Walk away. Make a clean cut - go No Contact (NC), and put your focus on yourself and your own healing.


roadtorecovery21 posted 7/24/2013 20:19 PM

Thank you for all your comforting advise. Is it normal to hate myself and letting it drag out as long as it did. there were so many incidents that occured that I could point out but chose to keep on with the relationship. I remember calling his 2nd child mother and she asked me if I was an idiot or insane if I knew that she was pregnant but still was with him? That hit a nerve and now that I am processing this...I feel like the biggest fool ever. Its funny how looking at this out, I had a friend going thru similar circumstances but told her to run for the hills but couldn't do the same. Is is fear of being alone? Words hold so much power at one point i believed what he said about me during one of our epic fights. he called me "a desperate, fat, ugly, b*** who will never experience the joys of having a family or being in love again" Oh God help me!!!

kiki1 posted 7/24/2013 20:26 PM


Let him go, he has hurt you enough.

There is no future with him.

Dont believe the lies he tells you.

I'm sorry you are in such pain. God will help you

nowiknow23 posted 7/24/2013 20:37 PM

Oh, honey. (((((road))))) His words are LIES. Please don't let his voice into your head any more. It's toxic.

Is it normal to hate myself and letting it drag out as long as it did
That's a very common phase to pass through. But your anger is directed at the wrong person. YOU did nothing wrong. You trusted the man you loved. That's not wrong. That's what people in love do.

What they DON'T do is tear each other down, lie to them, and betray them repeatedly.

He's the one who was wrong. THAT is where your anger belongs. And it will get there - I promise.

In the meantime, be gentle with yourself.

Tearsoflove posted 7/24/2013 20:37 PM

Is it normal to hate myself and letting it drag out as long as it did.

It's normal. You want the relationship bad enough to overlook a lot. However, if you keep allowing it, you will have a hard time getting your self-respect back.

she asked me if I was an idiot or insane if I knew that she was pregnant but still was with him?

Talk about the pot calling the kettle black. I'd have laughed at her. She got pregnant with a guy who won't commit to her or anyone else and keeps getting other women pregnant. Seems to me, you're the only woman who wasn't an idiot. You put your education first and can move on without having any ties to him.

Seriously, this guy is nearly 40-years-old and keeps getting women he works with pregnant. I'm sure he's a smooth talker but he definitely is no prize.

Snowy posted 7/24/2013 21:33 PM


Cut your loses.

Don't blame yourself for this relationship failing. He got 2 other women pregnant.

Is it normal to hate myself and letting it drag out as long as it did.

We all do this. It is the shock and the trauma that make us do it.

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