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Introducing SO to the kids!

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dlmos posted 7/24/2013 20:46 PM

I've been in a LDR with the SO for a few months now and she will be coming to visit in a few weeks . During this visit will be her first time meeting the kids so we are just going to take them to the zoo or something simple. I'm really not so worried about the kids, mine both have mild autism and don't really grasp relationships, it's more xWW I'm concerned about.

Is it the general rule that SO are introduced to x's before any involvement with kids? Or should I just give her a heads up and leave it at that. I'd like to avoid any unneccesary drama for the SO as well as the kids and myself so my prefereance would be to let xWW know in advance about SO's visit and do the kids swap out by myself.

Any thought's would be appreciated

nowiknow23 posted 7/24/2013 20:54 PM

Is it the general rule that SO are introduced to x's before any involvement with kids?
I don't think there's a general rule. Check your agreement to see what, if anything, it specifically says. Mine says that we have to discuss it with each other before introducing someone to the kids. Just as a courtesy.

Introducing the SO is very different than having them in the kids' routines, however. If/when it comes to that, I would want to meet her, just to know who's around my kids.

inconnu posted 7/24/2013 20:55 PM

I personally don't see any reason that your SO needs to be introduced to the ex. But if you think it will downplay any drama from the ex during SO's visit, then matter-of-factly inform the ex ahead of time that the kids will be meeting a female friend of yours. And then I'd do my best to avoid any situations where they might meet. Okay, that last part is strictly me. I've managed to avoid having my SO and ex meet for over 3 years now, and that works for me.

dlmos posted 7/24/2013 21:01 PM

I should also mention that xWW is a huge drama Queen. She had a week long crying meltdown when she first found out about SO. Then days before my last visit to see SO she claimed she had been date raped, then wanted to get back together, then more and more drama.

SO and I really want to do what is right by the kids, I just have a feeling xWW will try and make a scene. That's not something that is the SO's problem to have to deal with in my opinion, especially as she is just meeting the kids for the first time.

nowiknow23 posted 7/24/2013 21:07 PM

I remember all that, dlmos. That's why I suggested looking at your agreement to see what you may have to do. And I wouldn't do anything more than it requires.

cmego posted 7/24/2013 21:45 PM

Ex introduced the kids to his SO without my knowledge, even though our PSA states we are to meet first.

There wasn't a damn thing I could do about it since it is really a moral issue, not a legal one.

I met the SO about 2 months later, after I requested that he not have the SO until their relationship proved to me more stable.

I met my fSO via a single parents MeetUp group, so the kids met before we were really dating. We never became serious enough for fSO to meet my ex. Kids never knew we were dating either. It was an unstable situation and I wanted to make sure we were going to make it (we didn't...). I did tell my ex we were dating, and if it became really serious he could meet him.

He burst into tears.

Kajem posted 7/25/2013 01:53 AM

My agreement has nothing knot about introducing XH to SO. I never did introduce them XH's mother did the introductions in my driveway.

Do you have to introduce SO to XW? If she is that much of a drama queen, then perhaps just saying something to XW when you bring the kids back, that they met SO. That way if she is apt to alienate them from SO before meeting her. Well x won't have time, and the kids can tell her how much fun they had with SO. If she asks them about her.

Trying to head a drama queen off by being upfront only gives the queen more time to think up more drama. - at least that is my situation with my drama queen Good luck.

EvenKeel posted 7/25/2013 07:34 AM

I've been in a LDR with the SO for a few months

I would not be introducing the kids yet.

However, you didn't ask that huh?

IF your relationship with X was amicable and not filled with drama-games, then I would give her a heads-up.

However, it sounds like she is just going to use this info to cause more issues?

If so, I would not tell her until after the visit. I do not see any reason why at a few months in, you would have to introduce her to your ex.
[Unless it is in your agreement otherwise.]

You will STILL have the drama, but at least you will not risk having your SO caught up in it.

[This message edited by EvenKeel at 7:35 AM, July 25th (Thursday)]

dlmos posted 7/25/2013 07:41 AM

Thanks everyone, I'm pretty sure there is nothing in the decree but ill check this morning. I'm thinking just not even mentioning it to the xW is the way to go.

lieshurt posted 7/25/2013 08:10 AM

I've been in a LDR with the SO for a few months

I'm sorry, but I wouldn't introduce the kids at this point. It's too soon.

ajsmom posted 7/25/2013 09:01 AM

^ ^ ^ Agreed ^ ^ ^

AJ's MOM

jennie160 posted 7/25/2013 09:08 AM

I would not be introducing the kids yet.

However, you didn't ask that huh?

This was my first thought as well. But it is your choice so I would probably...

matter-of-factly inform the ex ahead of time that the kids will be meeting a female friend of yours.

You really don't owe XWW anything. I would probably just tell her that you and a friend were planning on taking the kids to the zoo. Even though the kids won't grasp the relationship I would leave out the fact that she is your SO for now, then after the relationship has progressed you can transition to calling her SO. That way XWW hopefully won't drill the kids for info.

Sad in AZ posted 7/25/2013 09:45 AM

I wouldn't necessarily introduce her as a SO, especially since this is a LDR, but as a friend. You would have to be circumspect with your behavior while the kids are around, but they are young, and I don't think you'll have a problem with this.

Good luck!

ajsmom posted 7/25/2013 14:14 PM

I'm in (and always have been) the camp of waiting a significant amount of time before introducing kids to an SO. Reason being is my AJ had to endure an endless revolving door of introductions by way of his father after we D'ed (due to his infidelity).

It was hell to surf those waters with him because several times he did grow fond and attached and it really did affect him, even at a young age.

That said, knowing dlmos's X the way she's been explained here, I would find it hard to believe that his kids don't already have an inkling that an introduction is coming, thanks to their mother. In her week long meltdown, something tells me word about dad having a GF more than likely has already "slipped" (*cough, cough*).

I'd bet a quarter on it.

dlmos posted 7/25/2013 14:18 PM

Thanks again everyone, the visit with the kids isn''t going to be anything formal. We have a few days together and during that period is one 3 hour after school visitation. SO is just going to be introduced as a friend in a casual way and there is the possibility it will be a group setting with my parents.

Part of SO meeting the kids is just to see if she is ready for that kind of a commitment. She has no kids of her own and hasn''t ever dated anyone with kids, or an xW for that matter. This is just to give her an idea what to expect from my situation before moving forward with "us".

ETA: Also because of the mild autism my children present a special situation and problems. They don't grasp "relationships" and in many ways would not be able to distinguish an SO from a friend. In some ways this makes things very easy on the kids, but means more long term care issues etc that most people haven't had to contemplate so its more baggage.

[This message edited by dlmos at 2:27 PM, July 25th, 2013 (Thursday)]

lieshurt posted 7/25/2013 14:29 PM

Part of SO meeting the kids is just to see if she is ready for that kind of a commitment.

Either she is or she isn't. I really don't think one visit is truly going to give her an idea of what to expect or what the demands are on a parent.

Crescita posted 7/25/2013 15:11 PM

Holy pressure! Donít involve the ex wife at all and just have fun. Iím sure itís hard being in an LDR and you want to get the most out of the visit, but there is no way to anticipate how to play everything perfectly. Just plan a few things, relax, and expect a few bumps. It sounds like you are using one visit as a litmus test on the viability of your whole relationship.

Griefstricken25 posted 7/25/2013 16:58 PM

If your agreement doesn't mention it specifically, I wouldn't bother. Do what is right for your kids and you and SO. Your XWW doesn't deserve that courtesy.

As for her causing drama, definitely pick up the kids without SO there, then.

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