Topic: I'm consoling WS!
Member # 39728
| Posted: 8:50 PM, July 24th (Wednesday), 2013|
Turns out WS has no one to turn to - no friends he trusts, unwilling to go to IC. Now he's coming to me for advice. He's confused but still see OW when he travels.
My parents went through this when I was a teen so I know WS is just going through the guilt stages. He needs. D mentor. I actually think I'm hanging in their ok. He breaks down when he's stuck in the country with us. What do I do?!
[This message edited by tennispro at 8:52 PM, July 24th (Wednesday)]
Me: BS 44yo
Him: WS 42yo
Married 11yrs; together 16yr
Kids: 8yo and 3yo
Dday: June 26, 2013
Dday #2: July 22, 2013 - found out same woman and been going on since Dec 2012.
Starting the divorce process. Listing our home. Scared but hopeful.
Posts: 40 | Registered: Jul 2013
Member # 39801
| Posted: 8:52 PM, July 24th (Wednesday), 2013|
I tried this for a few months. Didn't work for me.
So he has no one to turn to? HE created that world.
Let him experience it.
I cannot be responsible for another's personal growth.
DDay#1 of a "cheatillion" 4/1/13
Divorce final 11/04/13
Posts: 452 | Registered: Jul 2013
Member # 19636
| Posted: 8:54 PM, July 24th (Wednesday), 2013|
Do not console hime when he misses OW - pack him a bag and send him to her.
He's cake-eating. Don't settle for the crumbs he drops. Close the bakery.
BW - Reconciling
edited for typos (I always have to!)
Posts: 3641 | Registered: May 2008 | From: Midwest
Member # 36915
| Posted: 9:04 PM, July 24th (Wednesday), 2013|
Btdt. It sucks. In fact, my fwh confessed (except he didn't think it was confessing because he wasn't doing anything wrng ) because he didn't know how to handle his feelings for his MCOW and I was the only person he could really really talk to.
So, how do you feel about having to be the comforter? Do you want to do it? Is it ok with you sometimes, but other times not? When it is too painful, you need to tell your WH. At times I think I did the right thing by helping my fwh thru his f'd-up emotions. And sometimes I think I was pretty f'd up to do it.
The best thing would be for your WH to get his own IC. Someone who will not be wounded over and over by his talk.
Well, the best thing would be for him to stop seeing the OW. How do you feel about that?
Hugs tennis pro. I hope your WH gets his head out of his butt and starts thinking about YOU.
DDay Feb 2011.
Posts: 883 | Registered: Sep 2012
Member # 33226
| Posted: 8:21 AM, July 25th (Thursday), 2013|
unwilling to go to IC. That's his choice, but there's nothing healthy about him using you, the person he hurt, to assuage his guilt over hurting you.
He needs to put on his big boy panties and find external support.
You can call me NIK
"If you carry joy in your heart, you can heal any moment."
- Carlos Santana
Posts: 26151 | Registered: Aug 2011
Member # 14866
| Posted: 8:32 AM, July 25th (Thursday), 2013|
On top of what has been said, it seems that he knows how to leverage his wants with you. He's using guilt to get you to be his IC. Time for you to learn to see that and form good boundaries so that he cannot control things the way that he is. There may come a time when working with him is solely for the benefit of the relationship but right now his turning to you is out of his comfort and ease and not motivated by wanting to improve the relationship.
Think of the haters in your life as sandpaper; they’ll scratch you up time and time again but in the end you’re polished, smooth, and spotless..while they end up useless
We make a living by what we get, but we make a life by what we give.
Posts: 52977 | Registered: Jun 2007 | From: Big Blue Nation
Member # 13447
| Posted: 8:36 AM, July 25th (Thursday), 2013|
He's perfectly fine with tearing you apart to work through his issues while using OW for his feel good stuff. It's his choice to refuse IC.
What's your choice? Are you fine being used and having all his negative emotions focused on you one way or another?
"Being in love" first moved them to promise fidelity: this quieter love enables them to keep the promise. *CS Lewis*
Posts: 11275 | Registered: Jan 2007 | From: Just a fool in limbo
Member # 32380
| Posted: 8:38 AM, July 25th (Thursday), 2013|
Wrong move...period. I tried this and it backfired. You can't help him. He has to go through his own set of emotions just like you did and hit rock bottom to grow as a person. All you're doing is giving him a crutch to stand on. He will take advantage of that and use it as get out of jail free card when he realizes you're ok and have accepted his terrible behavior. My exWW did that. Next thing he will begin to do is blame shift...if he hasn't already.
1 son 14 yrs old
Married 18 yrs, together 21 yrs
"You never know how strong you are until being strong is the only choice you have." ~ Bob Marley
Posts: 1472 | Registered: Jun 2011 | From: Zombie Land
Member # 34243
| Posted: 8:44 AM, July 25th (Thursday), 2013|
You're being manipulated. If he does the "woe is me" stuff, he thinks you'll go easy on the financial stuff in a divorce.
If he felt sorry for hurting you he wouldn't be contacting the OW. He's not THAT sorry about it; just wants you to still act like his unpaid executive assistant and place he can still go to spend the holidays.
If his OW moved to the U.S., he'd dump you like a hot coal and if you needed help from him, he'd tell you that he is with someone else now and you'd have to accept it.
Posts: 1917 | Registered: Dec 2011
Member # 36519
| Posted: 8:54 AM, July 25th (Thursday), 2013|
You need to get angry. Who the HELL is he asking YOU for support? He's ripped your heart out and he expects sympathy? What kind of selfish asshole is he, anyway? He need to own his shit and deal with his stuff like a grownup. YOU ARE NOT HIS MOM. (Moms aren't very sexy, you might want to point out.)
I'm not saying that you should put it to him like that, but you need to adopt that perspective. It is beyond unfair and hurtful that he is venting on you because poor widdle puddin doesn't "want" to go to IC. He's scared of the big, bad counselor? You should make the point that you're not exactly an unbiased listener, and he might get better advice from a disinterested party.
BSs have to resist the temptation to "fix" their WSs. That only plays into the dynamic that THEY are the center of the universe and other people's feelings don't matter. He needs to focus on YOUR pain and YOUR hurt. These are the consequences that he needs to face up to.
BS (me): 50
Married: 26 yrs
OW: Co-worker, 7 yr LTA
DD 8/1/2012, Working on R
Posts: 1061 | Registered: Aug 2012
|Topic Posts: 10|