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Turns out WS has no one to turn to - no friends he trusts, unwilling to go to IC. Now he's coming to me for advice. He's confused but still see OW when he travels.
My parents went through this when I was a teen so I know WS is just going through the guilt stages. He needs. D mentor. I actually think I'm hanging in their ok. He breaks down when he's stuck in the country with us. What do I do?!

[This message edited by tennispro at 8:52 PM, July 24th (Wednesday)]

I tried this for a few months. Didn't work for me.
So he has no one to turn to? HE created that world.
Let him experience it.

180.

180.

180.

Do not console hime when he misses OW - pack him a bag and send him to her.

He's cake-eating. Don't settle for the crumbs he drops. Close the bakery.

Btdt. It sucks. In fact, my fwh confessed (except he didn't think it was confessing because he wasn't doing anything wrng ) because he didn't know how to handle his feelings for his MCOW and I was the only person he could really really talk to.

So, how do you feel about having to be the comforter? Do you want to do it? Is it ok with you sometimes, but other times not? When it is too painful, you need to tell your WH. At times I think I did the right thing by helping my fwh thru his f'd-up emotions. And sometimes I think I was pretty f'd up to do it.

The best thing would be for your WH to get his own IC. Someone who will not be wounded over and over by his talk.

Well, the best thing would be for him to stop seeing the OW. How do you feel about that?

Hugs tennis pro. I hope your WH gets his head out of his butt and starts thinking about YOU.

unwilling to go to IC.

That's his choice, but there's nothing healthy about him using you, the person he hurt, to assuage his guilt over hurting you.

He needs to put on his big boy panties and find external support.

On top of what has been said, it seems that he knows how to leverage his wants with you. He's using guilt to get you to be his IC. Time for you to learn to see that and form good boundaries so that he cannot control things the way that he is. There may come a time when working with him is solely for the benefit of the relationship but right now his turning to you is out of his comfort and ease and not motivated by wanting to improve the relationship.

He's perfectly fine with tearing you apart to work through his issues while using OW for his feel good stuff. It's his choice to refuse IC.

What's your choice? Are you fine being used and having all his negative emotions focused on you one way or another?

Wrong move...period. I tried this and it backfired. You can't help him. He has to go through his own set of emotions just like you did and hit rock bottom to grow as a person. All you're doing is giving him a crutch to stand on. He will take advantage of that and use it as get out of jail free card when he realizes you're ok and have accepted his terrible behavior. My exWW did that. Next thing he will begin to do is blame shift...if he hasn't already.

You're being manipulated. If he does the "woe is me" stuff, he thinks you'll go easy on the financial stuff in a divorce.

If he felt sorry for hurting you he wouldn't be contacting the OW. He's not THAT sorry about it; just wants you to still act like his unpaid executive assistant and place he can still go to spend the holidays.

If his OW moved to the U.S., he'd dump you like a hot coal and if you needed help from him, he'd tell you that he is with someone else now and you'd have to accept it.

You need to get angry. Who the HELL is he asking YOU for support? He's ripped your heart out and he expects sympathy? What kind of selfish asshole is he, anyway? He need to own his shit and deal with his stuff like a grownup. YOU ARE NOT HIS MOM. (Moms aren't very sexy, you might want to point out.)

I'm not saying that you should put it to him like that, but you need to adopt that perspective. It is beyond unfair and hurtful that he is venting on you because poor widdle puddin doesn't "want" to go to IC. He's scared of the big, bad counselor? You should make the point that you're not exactly an unbiased listener, and he might get better advice from a disinterested party.

BSs have to resist the temptation to "fix" their WSs. That only plays into the dynamic that THEY are the center of the universe and other people's feelings don't matter. He needs to focus on YOUR pain and YOUR hurt. These are the consequences that he needs to face up to.

Good luck.