Why did he do this to me??!!
He did this to you and himself because he is a broken man.
It wasn't about what he wasn't getting, it was about what he wasn't giving.
He was not giving time, energy or honesty to you or your marriage.
He needs to do a deep dive to understand WHY he allowed himself to cheat? IC is a great place to start to explore this.
IC will help you as well to navigate your feelings.
My stomach is in knots for you right now. Your pain pours off the screen.
I am so sorry you are suffering like this, but I want to assure you...it will get better. You will be OK just not for a very long time.
You have already taken the first step to healing, you reached out for support. You found a very safe place full of very compassionate people that know exactly what you're going through. We've all been where you are now and most of us have made it out the other side.
We will do our best to help you while you find your way, too.
The shock of infidelity can cause PTSD. It takes such a heavy toll on the betrayed.
What you're feeling is normal, awful but normal.
Sometimes it takes months to begin to process it all. Do what you need to do to heal yourself. Be kind to you now. If you can go to IC, it helps a lot. It is your WH's job to fix himself. You can't fix him because you didn't break him. You did nothing wrong.
I don't want my kids to have a weekend father. He loves them very much
I totally understand this logic/emotion. But keep in mind when he was cheating, he put everything at risk including his children's stability. While he was cheating he was NOT a good father. He was a selfish man that put his needs/wants before everything else.
He said he did it because he thought I was cheating, but I NEVER DID!
This is what we call blameshifting so he can try to justify his affair. It is bull and call him on it. If he thought you were cheating why didn't he ask you about it? Don't buy into this as an excuse. Don't own his poor choices and behavior. They are not yours to own, they are his.
I'd like to tell the OW's fiance, but then he'd tell her and she may contact my WH again.
You'll get varied opinions on this but I personally think you should let him know. If you were him wouldn't you want to know?
I struggled with this for over a year but finally did it because it was causing me pain and guilt. I too resented that she got off "scott free" while I withered in pain and despair.
I also felt guilty bc her BH didn't know who he was living with and sharing a life with. A cheater and a liar.
In the end for me it was the a matter of doing for someone else (the OP's BS) what I would have wanted others to do for me. This is not an issue of wanting revenge or to hurt another person, but rather an issue of fairness to the OP's BS. Additionally, contacting the OP's BS removes the secrecy from the affair, and since affairs thrive on secrecy and deception, it will damage the affair.
I chose to contact the OW's BH out of a sense of self preservation because I figured that if he knew my own marriage would have a better chance of surviving the affair.
I also did it out of a sense of guilt and telling him is only fair.
And if she does contact your WH then it is his job to tell you and be honest and transparent about it.
As much as we'd all like to believe we can't prevent our WS from cheating again. We can't - only THEY can. It they are going to want to cheat they will find a way.
All we can do as the BS is set our boundaries of what we will and will not tolerate and be prepared to follow through if those lines are crossed or our needs aren't met.
It is still very new to you. Take one day at a time and know that you will find a source of strength you never knew you had.
Don't feel ashamed of your husband's affair. It is not your secret to keep. If you need help and support from family and friends to get through this, that is okay. Do whatever it is you need to begin to heal. You did NOTHING wrong.
Sending healing hugs and prayers.
Good luck. Keep moving.