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My husband of 12 years confessed he cheated for 2 years

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AmandaS posted 7/24/2013 21:43 PM

Last March, I found out my husband of almost 12 years cheated on me for 2 years with a woman from work (she got fired 6 months after she was hired and he continued the affair with her). I'm 39, he is 37, and she is 35 (she just got engaged this month to a guy she supposedly has been seeing for 5 years). I've never met her. He says his relationship with her ended 8 months ago. We have a 7 year old and a 5 year old. He said he did it because he thought I was cheating, but I NEVER DID!

We have decided to reconcile and have seen a counselor about 3 times. (I also had a past husband who cheated, but he cheated on his 2 wives before me and 2 wives after). I didn't think this would happen to me again. I feel so alone, depressed and, at times, suicidal. I haven't told any of my family because I don't want them to find out I have ANOTHER husband who cheated on me, it's too degrading/humiliating. Am I not worthy of a faithful husband? I guess I'll never know what it's like to have a husband who has never cheated and that really SUCKS because that is all I've ever wanted in life. The only thing that keeps me from slitting my wrists is my 2 beautiful children.

My husband says he told her we were separated. He also says they had sex in his company's office bathroom, in her car, and in her bed (sometimes 4x per day!). The only reason he told me some specifics is because I asked. He wants to be honest with me now. He says he feels very bad and he hated himself for cheating on me (so why the hell did he do it for 2 frickin years?!).

I feel that he is sorry, but I still hate him so much. I can't leave him because I don't want my kids to have a weekend father. He loves them very much and he is a good father to them.

When I think about him having sex with another woman I just want to kill myself. I feel so low and want to scream. Nothing can ever change what he did and that kills me! Why did he do this to me??!! When he proposed to me he knew about my past relationship and said he would never cheat on me because he saw how hurt I was when I found out.

He is taking us to church now, taking us places, and comes home earlier than he used to. I still do not trust him at all, even though he says he's changed and I can see that he has.. still don't trust him. If he did this once, he is capable of doing it again and I don't know what I'll do if he does this again. My heart can only take so much pain and right now I'm in the pits of hell.

I kind of want a separation from him, but I fear he may go out and cheat on me again.. I'm so confused..

[This message edited by AmandaS at 9:48 PM, July 24th (Wednesday)]

kiki1 posted 7/24/2013 21:52 PM


I'm so sorry you are here, but welcome.

You have found a good place to be, with ppl who understand and can help you.

Please do not think suicidal thoughts. It is not now or in the past your fault you were cheated. More than likely, you just trusted the one you loved as we all did.

Please go to the yellow box at the left of the screen and click on the healing library. there is much in there to help you. Look for the 180. They are tips and behaviors to help you through this horrible time.

sending you strength and hugs Amanda.

ThoughtIKnewYa posted 7/24/2013 21:53 PM

Hi, (((AmandaS))). Welcome to SI.

Just copy and paste this link into your browser and start there:

Please get tested for STDs ASAP and antidepressants REALLY help in times like these. Take care of yourself- eat, drink plenty of fluids, get enough sleep, and just hang in there. It DOES get a lot easier, but it takes time.

Do you know what prompted his confession?

homewrecked2011 posted 7/24/2013 22:18 PM

Please listen to me:

The 1st husband of the OW DID kill himself and the Other man because she was cheating on him with a newborn at home! He killed the wrong person in my opinion. HE deserved to see his daughter grow up --- just like you. This was the only thought that kept me going some days --- NO F****NG Bi**h is going to see my children grow up! That is my joy, my privilege, and my children need me. And look, the OW's daughter is growing up w/o her dad and now OW could care less. She had a 2 year affair with my XH, cheating on her new husband with his friend (my xh).

Please stay in counseling. Even if it seems like it's going no where. Please keep going for at least 6 months.

I would also be very skeptical of your WH, but for now it's all you. Take care of you. I stayed in the shower until the hot water ran out...several times a day.

I so remember this time.

You did nothing wrong, It's all on him.

Post here often,, you'll get alot of support.

One last thing,,, IF you can concentrate at all, there is a book that is a quick, easy, read and you only need to go thru 2 is Love Must Be Tough by Dr. James Dobson. He basically says to stand up tall, and take NO BS from your spouse. He said we have been disrespected by the affair and don't be a pushover. Stand your ground, especially when saying your spouse has to get help.

I mean, really, your WH seriously needs help if he
blames an imagined affair you were having to justify his cheating?

We are here to back you up and hold you up. Tell his family, your family, the guy she is supposedly engaged to because he has been cheated on by her for 2 years! If he loves her and stays with her, you'll have his eyes watching them, too. He deserves to know, but don't warn anyone! Yall can work together to verify stories, etc if necessary.

homewrecked2011 posted 7/24/2013 22:30 PM

One day it all hit me really hard. I drove to a mental health facility and checked into their outpatient division. I went 9-3 m-f for 3 weeks. There were several women in my group for the SAME REASON! THeir husband's cheating took them over the edge. We are decent, caring, loving people and we have been deceived beyond belief.

It was like a years worth of counseling in 3 weeks. AND my ins paid for most of it, and they let me pay out the rest.

It really helped me so much to get a handle of the whole situation,

I'm just throwing this out here in case anyone reading this thread feels ready to give up.

[This message edited by homewrecked2011 at 10:32 PM, July 24th (Wednesday)]

heartache101 posted 7/24/2013 22:45 PM


Honey his affair has nothing to do with YOU, You did nothing wrong this is all him..

Are you in counseling? If not call your personal physician and make an appointment. Go in get STD tested have them check for HPV too!

Know we are here we care!!

I hope you both have a therapist.

He needs to find out why he cheated so he doesnt do it again.
I stayed for my kids too! i refused to let someone be step mom unless it was the only way for my happiness..

You will be ok. Eat drink plenty of water see the Dr get a therapist that deals with infidelity.

AmandaS posted 7/25/2013 09:43 AM

Thanks kikil, I will check out the healing library today.

ThoughtIKnewYa, thanks for the advice, will do. He confessed to me because I kept asking him about her. Ever since he mentioned the OW's name over 2 years ago, I suspected something was not ok. He says she wanted to marry him and have kids w/him, but he didn't want to marry her or have any more kids. He got a vasectomy 2 weeks ago, so no chance of that. He also says she slept with some random guy at a party during their affair and I assume she was sleeping with her boyfriend too.. geez woman, how many guys are you sleeping with at once? disgusting!

Homewrecked2011, thanks for your words. I think I do have that book by James Dobson (I love Dr. Dobson!). I also read a book called "Unfaithful: Hope and Healing after Infidelity" by Gary & Mona Shriver. I recorded myself reading it and my WH is listening to it and then we talk about the parts he's listened to. It's a great read for someone who's been cheated on or has cheated. I've only told our counselor and one lady I work with about the affair. I can't tell my family, it's just too humiliating and they would be devastated because they all love him (unlike my first WH who they all did not like). I'd like to tell the OW's fiance, but then he'd tell her and she may contact my WH again. My WH says she tried to get back together with him in January, but he ignored her email and she never tried to contact him after that, now she got engaged this month (according to her facebook page).

heartache101, thank you for saying the affair has nothing to do with me. I spend so much time thinking why I wasn't good enough. Yes we are in counseling. He says the main reason he cheated was because he felt disconnected from me because of not enough communication. He works long hours and I barely see him so, at the time, that wasn't my fault. Now we IM all day when he's at work and make time to spend time together with our kids on the weekends.

[This message edited by AmandaS at 9:45 AM, July 25th (Thursday)]

Mathews posted 7/25/2013 10:07 AM

Sorry for your pain, and what HE has done to you.
Remember when you are feeling down and life is not worth living, that no significant other should/can make you feel that way. Your purpose on this earth is YOU. Things will be hard, but it sounds like he wants to mend..

1Faith posted 7/25/2013 10:18 AM

Why did he do this to me??!!

Dear Amanda

He did this to you and himself because he is a broken man.

It wasn't about what he wasn't getting, it was about what he wasn't giving.

He was not giving time, energy or honesty to you or your marriage.

He needs to do a deep dive to understand WHY he allowed himself to cheat? IC is a great place to start to explore this.

IC will help you as well to navigate your feelings.

My stomach is in knots for you right now. Your pain pours off the screen.

I am so sorry you are suffering like this, but I want to assure will get better. You will be OK just not for a very long time.

You have already taken the first step to healing, you reached out for support. You found a very safe place full of very compassionate people that know exactly what you're going through. We've all been where you are now and most of us have made it out the other side.

We will do our best to help you while you find your way, too.

The shock of infidelity can cause PTSD. It takes such a heavy toll on the betrayed.

What you're feeling is normal, awful but normal.

Sometimes it takes months to begin to process it all. Do what you need to do to heal yourself. Be kind to you now. If you can go to IC, it helps a lot. It is your WH's job to fix himself. You can't fix him because you didn't break him. You did nothing wrong.

I don't want my kids to have a weekend father. He loves them very much

I totally understand this logic/emotion. But keep in mind when he was cheating, he put everything at risk including his children's stability. While he was cheating he was NOT a good father. He was a selfish man that put his needs/wants before everything else.

He said he did it because he thought I was cheating, but I NEVER DID!

This is what we call blameshifting so he can try to justify his affair. It is bull and call him on it. If he thought you were cheating why didn't he ask you about it? Don't buy into this as an excuse. Don't own his poor choices and behavior. They are not yours to own, they are his.

I'd like to tell the OW's fiance, but then he'd tell her and she may contact my WH again.

You'll get varied opinions on this but I personally think you should let him know. If you were him wouldn't you want to know?

I struggled with this for over a year but finally did it because it was causing me pain and guilt. I too resented that she got off "scott free" while I withered in pain and despair.

I also felt guilty bc her BH didn't know who he was living with and sharing a life with. A cheater and a liar.

In the end for me it was the a matter of doing for someone else (the OP's BS) what I would have wanted others to do for me. This is not an issue of wanting revenge or to hurt another person, but rather an issue of fairness to the OP's BS. Additionally, contacting the OP's BS removes the secrecy from the affair, and since affairs thrive on secrecy and deception, it will damage the affair.

I chose to contact the OW's BH out of a sense of self preservation because I figured that if he knew my own marriage would have a better chance of surviving the affair.

I also did it out of a sense of guilt and telling him is only fair.

And if she does contact your WH then it is his job to tell you and be honest and transparent about it.

As much as we'd all like to believe we can't prevent our WS from cheating again. We can't - only THEY can. It they are going to want to cheat they will find a way.

All we can do as the BS is set our boundaries of what we will and will not tolerate and be prepared to follow through if those lines are crossed or our needs aren't met.

It is still very new to you. Take one day at a time and know that you will find a source of strength you never knew you had.

Don't feel ashamed of your husband's affair. It is not your secret to keep. If you need help and support from family and friends to get through this, that is okay. Do whatever it is you need to begin to heal. You did NOTHING wrong.

Sending healing hugs and prayers.

Good luck. Keep moving.

NeverAgain2013 posted 7/25/2013 10:47 AM

I've heard that crock of crap excuse too, "I thought you were cheating on me so that's why I cheated!" And let's not forget that old standby, "I thought we were breaking up/separating/divorcing..." - like either of those LAME excuses are justified even if they WERE the truth.

Which they're not.

He more than likely REALLY didn't believe you were cheating (even though I'm sure he fed you some kind of convincing story to back up that phoney baloney claim.) Cheaters rarely - if EVER - own their crap. It's always someone ELSE'S fault they did what they did.

I got the OTHER lame excuse from MY cheater..."I thought we were separating..."

Oh brother.

I'm awful sorry you find yourself in this situation, Amanda. No one deserves it.

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