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Newest Member: MaggieO (60733)

User Topic: Dealing with the Pain
♀ 40018
Member # 40018
Default  Posted: 10:05 PM, July 24th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hi, new here. Its been almost 5 months since dday. My WH and I have been in MC which has helped...but once a trigger hits me, the pain is unbearable. I havent fully forgiven him and I know I should but I can not seem to get over this pain/anger. The smallest reminder just takes me to a bad place...

So, im wondering what helps to get over the pain? Is time the only cure?

Posts: 8 | Registered: Jul 2013
♀ 30314
Member # 30314
Default  Posted: 10:09 PM, July 24th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Forgiveness shouldn't be in your vocabulary the first year, IMO. Time and him making you feel safe And his remorse!

Posts: 7613 | Registered: Dec 2010 | From: Midwest
♂ 38172
Member # 38172
Default  Posted: 10:16 PM, July 24th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

It will take time and transparency. If he is working hard on reconciliation and rebuilding trust, it will get better. Five months is too soon I'm afraid.

Me: BS
Her: WS
Married 13 yrs., together 17.
D-Day #1: 1/2006 (EA)
D-Day #2: 1/2013 (PA/EA)

Posts: 94 | Registered: Jan 2013 | From: DFW
♀ 39709
Member # 39709
Default  Posted: 10:59 PM, July 24th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'm 5 months from DDay too, and I'm afraid we are just getting started on this long, long roller coaster. My WH is getting better at supporting me when I trigger. He holds me and let's me cry, and lets me yell if that's what I feel like doing. I can't help but worry if he'll be able to stick through for the long haul. But there's nothing I can do about that I guess! So time and therapy will help I hope!

Posts: 84 | Registered: Jun 2013
♀ 37107
Member # 37107
Default  Posted: 1:20 AM, July 25th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

You are pretty much at the point where for many people anger is at its worst. From reading up here on SI it seems that many people have intense anger at about 6 months - I think the shock and disbelief have had time to wear off and that's when the anger really lets rip.

Between 4 months and 9 months I was a walking ball of rage. It was ugly!

Time definitely helps. Keep reading up and educating yourself about infidelity and the trauma associated with it, keep talking to your spouse... and exercise - exercise definitely helps me cope with the pain and anger. I was reading a book a couple of weeks ago and it explained that anger is energy, that pent-up energy needs to go "somewhere" - you can choose to expend that energy by yelling and throwing your crockery around the room or you can expend it by doing some form of exercise or chopping down a tree or something (the book explained it WAY better ) I reckon it is to the benefit of my relationship if I expend the energy doing exercise (unfortunately I don't always take my own advice, we have had to buy a LOT of new coffee mugs in the last few months....)

BS 49
Together 32 yrs, M 28 years
2 daughters 27yo(married with 2 children) & 21yo
D-Day 18 Aug 2012
6mth EA lead to 4mth PA with CO-W. I found out 8 1/2 yrs later

Posts: 1310 | Registered: Oct 2012
♀ 40018
Member # 40018
Default  Posted: 6:11 AM, July 25th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thank you all for your comments. Ive been hearing that forgiveness is more for you than them but that doesn't make me want to forgive!

The pain/anger is what I feel not forgiveness. He is taking steps to R and is being transparent but its not enough to make me want to forgive or enough to get over the pain I feel...

...its very much a roller coaster like ohiocarrie535 said.

Posts: 8 | Registered: Jul 2013
Topic Posts: 6

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