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brokenhearted475 posted 7/24/2013 22:08 PM

His girlfriend called me a couple nights ago and tried to lecture me about taking care of kids from a broken home cause she's from a broken home! Stupid stupid bitch! He came over today because he supposedly felt bad for me and pissed at her for calling me. He said he told her off and hasnt really spoken to her much. But still professes that hes "pretty attached to her". He stayed and we watched a movie together and ofcourse had sex. He says he won't tell her were having sex cause its none of her business and she doesn't need to know. I asked if he loves her so much then why does he keep wanting sex from me. Says cause I was his life and best friend for years. Says he doesn't want me to hurt anymore and still refuses to come home cause he's finally enjoying making his own decisions with no one to tell him what to do. He gets mad when I tell him I love him. Says he doesn't wanna hear that. He also said that we could maybe reconcile but then says not now then says he doesn't want to be with me and fighting. Idk what to think. Hes messing with my head! I told him I felt like I was being used. He acted offended. Then he got pissed and sad when I said I had a date. (I really don't) wth?! Should I just give up and move on permanently? He seems like he wants to be with me. Then he switches within a minite.

HeavyE posted 7/24/2013 22:25 PM

He is cake eating and your leaving the bakery wide open. Why would he chose anything either way?

Go no contact with him except for children and finances. Begin the steps to break free. Talk with an attorney and start the process to file for divorce.

You are putting your health at risk by still having sex with him. Stop.

homewrecked2011 posted 7/24/2013 23:17 PM

Please check out the book Love Must be tough at your library ASAP! I couldn't focus very well after Dday, but it is easy to breeze thru the way the pages are set up. The book is on CD and tape, too.

Look, after 2 chapters I had changed. The book says you have been disrespected and the way to get you WS back is to stand up and take no more! Dr James Dobson is the author and he sees this time and time again. You think he would say to be nice, forgiving, etc. But he says that's really the wrong way to go right now... it's ok for later if you get your spouse back, but for now, being strong is the best. You only have a very small window of opportunity while you WS is flopping around like a fish.

Please get this book and quickly read the first 2 chapters. The OW is 35, I am 52, and after reading only the first 2 chapters and pulling myself together, my WS was ready to make his decision. He wanted me. BUT by then I was very changed and I told him I wanted it all....not a fake marriage. IF he wanted to come back to our family he had to go to Marriage Counseling. I had NEVER stood up to him. He told me there was nothing wrong with him and he wouldn't go get help, so we divorced. But,,, your story might end very differently!
Please move quickly and read/listen to even part of this book.

(((brokenhearted)))

Counseling helps, too because your WS will be forced to look at reality.

[This message edited by homewrecked2011 at 11:20 PM, July 24th (Wednesday)]

brokenhearted475 posted 7/24/2013 23:37 PM

I took a little time to reflect and I tried to call him and of course he's probably with her so he didn't answer his phone. So I had to resort to a text message. I told him tht there's no way he could ever be fully trustworthy and devoted to me if he's being intimate with me and lying abt it to her. It shows that his character will never change as far as I can see. Even tho he left me I just told him tht if he ever decided to come back he'd have to go to counseling and be better because that's exactly what I've done in his absense. There's no sense going back to a man who's still a liar and a cheater. That be like going right into the fire again. I wont let him treat me like the whore he's seeing. I'm better than that. Too bad it took me this long to realize I'm worth way more than he's giving me credit for. Thanks for the advice and hugs. This place is so soothing to me. Thank god for the people here.

movingforward13 posted 7/25/2013 10:09 AM

You need to file for divorce and child support. Since he wants to play around like a child instead of being an adult, show him the consequences.

Of course he is still having sex and being with her. Because he knows that you will be there when they break up. Let him know you won't stand to be treated like this. Hit him where it hurts, his pockets.

TXBW68 posted 7/25/2013 12:06 PM

My husband did this at first too - minus the sex. He would come over to visit the kids and when he left, he would hug me/kiss me bye. We even played "happy family" a few times and went to movies together. The two of us even shared popcorn and a drink like nothing was wrong. Major cake-eating on his part - but I let him because I missed him so much. And it made me more confused than ever.

For your own sanity, you need to close the bakery!

Once I went NC except kids/finances, I was able to clear my head some. Turns out in our case, it also started clearing his fog. He began to re-evaluate his choices and his friendships.

My H thought it was great that he could make his own decisions with no one telling him what to do also. Until he realized that he was sitting alone in an empty apartment day after day, only looking forward to visitation days! Part of his self-discovery was that I HAD to make the decisions because he was too busy acting like a child. He forced me into the role of "boss" and then hated me for it.

When I told him I was ready to divorce and had spoken to a lawyer (6 months out), he broke down and cried "What have I done?" I didn't know that he had already broken up with OW4 and was weeding out the other bad influences in his life - because we were NC.

Fortunately for us, my H came out of the fog and after 10 months of separation, we are back together. But that was a long road and we seem to be the exception, not the rule, after separations.

What I learned during those 10 months is that you have to take care of yourself and your kids first and foremost. You have to decide what your expectations are in any relationship. What your boundaries are. And then, IF he wakes up, only then can you decide if YOU want to reconcile. The choice is Yours, not his.

Post as often as you need to. The people in D/S, and the other forums, will help get you thru, no matter what the outcome is - divorce or reconcile. They certainly helped me retain my sanity during the madness!

Pippy posted 7/25/2013 14:03 PM

Yes, you have now become the OW.

brokenhearted475 posted 7/26/2013 14:38 PM

Suddenly he has turned all nice with me. He told me his heart was divided between her and me and thst he couldn't give me 100% of his heart. Said he didn't wanna hurt me anymore so he wants me to move on and apologized. He actually said "I'm sorry baby". Originally he said he wanted a sexual arrangement with me but didn't wanna hear the word love ever. Now he says he loves me but he's confused and that he doesn't doesn't love her as much as he loves me, YET. It breaks my heart beyond belief but I don't think we will ever reconcile. Hes living with friends but still looking for an apartment. He said maybe someday he will realize he's made the worst mistake of his life. Hes messing with my head, isn't he. He refuses to tell me her age but I'm almost certain she's in her young twenties. Why does a forty yr old man want this girl? I guess its because she must look way better than me. Thats the only thing I can think of. How can he say he loves her after a month. I think its been longer. He continues to lie every step. I know I need to move on but its ripping me apart. How can he continue to hurt me this way having claimed I was his best friend right up until a month ago? Hr told me he doesn't know if he can live life without me in it 100% or not. Then he tells me to move on. I'm so mixed up and all I wanna do is die.

Ashland13 posted 7/26/2013 18:18 PM

This is what nearly ExH did, too, but not right away. For the first period of time, he apparently could not face us or the home he abandoned. He couldn't look me in the face or hear my voice.

Then, the sneaking.

Then he started coming around again, but as I started to wake up more, I find I can't face him. I am still learning about him a year and a half later and some of it is so stunning that it's like a totally different person, who stole my husband's name and body and is changing the body.

Oh, brokenhearted, you sound like me and I worry you will be safe. Std's are so scary, have you read about them and what they can lead to?

I'm really sorry for your hard time, but it took me a long time to realize that I was not being respected as a person and I don't think you are either. And, actually, even the OW's aren't, in my opinion.

I hope that you will come to some realizations soon and close yourself off to this man. If he doesn't fully return to you, then in my mind, he does not deserve you and you are being too kind, but also chancing risks of getting sick yourself.

I think we go into a bit of a daze or trance at first, but I hope somehow and over time, that you will be able to stand up to him.

brokenhearted475 posted 7/27/2013 18:40 PM

Well after two weeks of being completely nice and trying to be patient with him he broke into his same old attitude. He yelled and screamed while I was completely calm and disrespected me all because I asked him wht he had to do that he couldn't pick up his son until ten oclock at night. I chose to take my son with me so he wasnt waiting on him all day. He turned it into a big fight. Then he asked me where i was going this weekend like he didnt just yell at me for doing the same thing. So after I saw his true colors once again it just made me realize I'm better than him. I told him to go on and be with her and that I'm better off without him. Today I went and got medicine from the dr to help me cope with the depression and anxiety. She also said I have ptsd. Go figure! But right now I sit here feeling pretty numb probably for the meds but numb is better than panicked and crying. He said "someday he might realize that he's made the biggest mistake of his life but what's done is done." Those were his exact words. I give up...I'm broken...I'm done fighting. 180 starts now. I've lost twenty lbs and still losing. I am beautiful I am confident and I am strong. "She is clothed in strength and dignity and laughs without fear of the future. " (proverbs 31:25)

trumanshow posted 7/28/2013 07:53 AM

He says he won't tell her were having sex cause its none of her business

Isn't this the same thing he was/is doing to you?