Go no contact with him except for children and finances. Begin the steps to break free. Talk with an attorney and start the process to file for divorce.
You are putting your health at risk by still having sex with him. Stop.
Look, after 2 chapters I had changed. The book says you have been disrespected and the way to get you WS back is to stand up and take no more! Dr James Dobson is the author and he sees this time and time again. You think he would say to be nice, forgiving, etc. But he says that's really the wrong way to go right now... it's ok for later if you get your spouse back, but for now, being strong is the best. You only have a very small window of opportunity while you WS is flopping around like a fish.
Please get this book and quickly read the first 2 chapters. The OW is 35, I am 52, and after reading only the first 2 chapters and pulling myself together, my WS was ready to make his decision. He wanted me. BUT by then I was very changed and I told him I wanted it all....not a fake marriage. IF he wanted to come back to our family he had to go to Marriage Counseling. I had NEVER stood up to him. He told me there was nothing wrong with him and he wouldn't go get help, so we divorced. But,,, your story might end very differently!
Please move quickly and read/listen to even part of this book.
Counseling helps, too because your WS will be forced to look at reality.
[This message edited by homewrecked2011 at 11:20 PM, July 24th (Wednesday)]
me BS 52
him - 46
married 15 years DIVORCED 10 31 12
children - ds15 ds12
I gave a 24hour ultimatum then went to attorney next day
Of course he is still having sex and being with her. Because he knows that you will be there when they break up. Let him know you won't stand to be treated like this. Hit him where it hurts, his pockets.
For your own sanity, you need to close the bakery!
Once I went NC except kids/finances, I was able to clear my head some. Turns out in our case, it also started clearing his fog. He began to re-evaluate his choices and his friendships.
My H thought it was great that he could make his own decisions with no one telling him what to do also. Until he realized that he was sitting alone in an empty apartment day after day, only looking forward to visitation days! Part of his self-discovery was that I HAD to make the decisions because he was too busy acting like a child. He forced me into the role of "boss" and then hated me for it.
When I told him I was ready to divorce and had spoken to a lawyer (6 months out), he broke down and cried "What have I done?" I didn't know that he had already broken up with OW4 and was weeding out the other bad influences in his life - because we were NC.
Fortunately for us, my H came out of the fog and after 10 months of separation, we are back together. But that was a long road and we seem to be the exception, not the rule, after separations.
What I learned during those 10 months is that you have to take care of yourself and your kids first and foremost. You have to decide what your expectations are in any relationship. What your boundaries are. And then, IF he wakes up, only then can you decide if YOU want to reconcile. The choice is Yours, not his.
Post as often as you need to. The people in D/S, and the other forums, will help get you thru, no matter what the outcome is - divorce or reconcile. They certainly helped me retain my sanity during the madness!
Then, the sneaking.
Then he started coming around again, but as I started to wake up more, I find I can't face him. I am still learning about him a year and a half later and some of it is so stunning that it's like a totally different person, who stole my husband's name and body and is changing the body.
Oh, brokenhearted, you sound like me and I worry you will be safe. Std's are so scary, have you read about them and what they can lead to?
I'm really sorry for your hard time, but it took me a long time to realize that I was not being respected as a person and I don't think you are either. And, actually, even the OW's aren't, in my opinion.
I hope that you will come to some realizations soon and close yourself off to this man. If he doesn't fully return to you, then in my mind, he does not deserve you and you are being too kind, but also chancing risks of getting sick yourself.
I think we go into a bit of a daze or trance at first, but I hope somehow and over time, that you will be able to stand up to him.
A person is a person, no matter how small. -Dr. Suess
Perserverance and spirit have done wonders in all ages.
He says he won't tell her were having sex cause its none of her business
Isn't this the same thing he was/is doing to you?