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16forever posted 7/25/2013 02:35 AM

I didn't really know how to title this but I was thinking today about A stuff and realized my H was trying so hard to make me believe he wanted a life with op . When he moved out to be with her he not only gave me d papers but he changed the address on his drivers license to her address also had his work send his checks to her house were he was living down to moving everything that was his I mean every scrap of his possessions down to the 200 lb gun safe and important papers sheeeeessh I guess I look back on those things and just have a hard time feeling like maybe he did love her like he said ,I mean did anyone's ws go to such lengths he did this moving out thing twice guess Iam just having a day wishing that nite mare had never happened and wanting to feel like I have always had his heart R is going well I just wish I could forget it all somedays the hurt of his actions and words from that time just still hurt and I wish I could unfeel the pain it caused me the ache inside that I just wanted to be everything to him but at one time for most of our marriage I was nothing at all

sri624 posted 7/25/2013 03:03 AM

i am so sorry you are feeling this pain....i know how you feel. it is so hard. but i want you to know that i understand. after dday1, my h moved out...he got his own apt. i begged him back (like an idiot....i wasnt strong then)...he told me he enjoyed his single life....and not having the responsibilities of being married. he could hang out with his friends and do what he wanted. he came back...and acted worse than ever....i learned months later i was in false r. he left again for 3 months....when iet him come back the 2nd time, he had to adhere to my r requirements. and he did.

he is back now..doing all he can do to save the m....he really is....but i always think about how he did leave. he did. he did think the grass was greener. and that hurts. but i do believe that my h was in the fog...i do. i believe that it is real. while your h was "caught up" in his affair, maybe at the time, he did think that is what he wanted....i mean....it is all unicorns and rainbows during the a. but when real life sets in...and they have every opportunity to be with the op....it RARELY works out. those relationships were built on lies and deception....and it is very hard for an affair like that to survive....and it is not all fun anymore...kids, bills, mortgage, jobs, day to day relationship issues...all of that comes into play. not so much fun anymore.
and then they realize that the affair...and that "fun" life was really all a bunch of BS.

cantaccept posted 7/25/2013 08:47 AM

I can relate so well to this.

My h left on dday for a woman he was only texting.

Left me, his home, stability. He was willing to sacrifice everything for a virtual stranger, including me.

He rented a room in someones house and proceeded to blame me for his actions and pursued ow and ea became pa.

All the while still trying to hoover, blameshift and just be plain cruel.

When I think of that now it brings so much anger and pain. It makes it hard to appreciate the things he is trying to do. It makes me angry that he is not doing enough (he isn't).

It makes me question who he is. What kind of person is capable of that cruelty and coldness??

Then change their mind, expect to slide back in without trying to prove themselves.

Sorry, didn't mean to rant, I think this has been my focus for the last couple of days.

Wish that I had some wisdom, just can empathize with the hurt, disappointment, disillusionment.

I keep thinking that it would have been so different if he had not left, if he had instant remorse. I guess it doesn't matter, that is just wishful thinking, you can't change the past. I do wonder if it just makes it that much harder to live with, the fact that they left.

copingdaily posted 7/25/2013 10:25 AM

I think that they do this because they are infatuated/lust, the early stages of love. So they feel like they can conquer the world. They gain this big head and only their happiness is all that matters. When reality strikes they usually cant believe how selfish and stupid they behaved. My WS had leaving me planned. He took me off his life insurance, he had his work paperwork changed to his parents address. He also opened up a seperate bank account and was having cash from his check sent there in small amount so I wouldnt notice. That was his party money.
WOW.Now In R, It is hard to forget all those things. All I can suggest is move forward if things are going well BUT never shut your eyes. sad but true

keeponkeepingon posted 7/25/2013 11:48 AM

I understand too. I am a year into R and still struggle with this. Probably the biggest struggle I have. It's about the abandonment for me.

MrKOKO told me ILYBNILWY 2 yrs ago. He was not at all interested in even attempting to work it out. We had just come back from an exciting family vacation to Turkey the week before to celebrate our 15yr wedding/20yr together and both our 40th bdays. The week we returned he went on a "business trip" where he actually met up w/ his TicK. Came back and decided she was the ONE . He swore to me there was no one else.

Within 2 weeks I found out about the TicK. She lived out of state and was in the process of D, all pre-A. He was with her in her state when I found out. On his return, when I asked if he loved her, he said he thought he did. I told him to leave the house, I would not chase him or beg him.

He found a room to rent for a few weeks and then an apt. They never lived together because of the D and custody she had going on since she was out of state. I have no doubt that if she lived here they would have shacked up. They were going to "start a new family" and live in La-La-Land forevah!

I was a mess. D was never actually filed. He would have not done it. Cheaper to keep her. I was never strong enough to do the actual filing. We stayed separated for a year. I tried my best 180 to detach. I mostly kept it to DS and finances. Also kept it as civil as possible for DS.

Their relationship was only in fun cities in luxury hotels. ZERO reality. MrKOKO was in IC for many months and finally realized it. He claims he went crazy. I guess his way of describing a fog. He is quick to say that is not an excuse.

With all of that, I know MrKOKO is a COMPETELY different man then he was during the A. He is trying so hard to do what is right and help us heal. But I still cannot completely overcome the feelings of abandonment. It is crushing. If ultimately we do not make it as a couple it will be for that reason.

[This message edited by keeponkeepingon at 3:29 PM, July 25th (Thursday)]

RunningBlind posted 7/25/2013 17:48 PM

But I still cannot completely overcome the feelings of abandonment. It is crushing. If ultimately we do not make it as a couple it will be for that reason.

I'm so sorry... I can relate to that all too well. Abandonment sounds simple enough, but the word also carries a deep sharp fear and almost terror. I'm also saddened that you're unable to forget the way it made you feel despite his efforts. Can relate to that a little bit too...

16forever posted 7/27/2013 03:19 AM

Thanks everyone I know when I have these feelings I can always come here ,and know Iam not alone I want so badly to feel normal again and not carry this around I feel like its every day I have to deal with this crap it's hurt so much of my marriage . Me and my ws and kids were at his mothers b day party yesterday and the who is my best friend came up in just idle conversation and really my oldest is my beastie ( I do know were to draw the line and be her mom)anyway I could not immediately say it was my ws , but shouldn't he be of course I back tracked and said well my ws is of course but my gut reaction was not to say him I just don't feel like he is best friends don't cheat on u ur whole marriage and tell lies and keep secrets from each other I want him to be but I just ..... I don't know I think because of my childhood and now him abandoning me like that I just can't get that close we do have awesome moments don't get me wrong but they are husband and wife moments not best friend moments I would like to be but I can't talk about all the a stuff with him when it hurts so much and when I talk about my h to coworkers I don't have nice happy things to say I don't say mean things at all just don't gloat at what a wounder full man I have how could I and u know what is wired sex used to be a big issue he wanted it all the time I know we have conflicting work schedules but its like he could take it or leave it I know it's part because he is trying to make it a non issue and change his old ways but come on tonight he actuly used the I got a headache .... His motto used to be never to hurt sick or tired he won't even lose 45 min of sleep and wait up so can have sex why? I am just so tired of hurting and not feeling proud of my marriage most people cant stay married from 16 to 34 but I don't feel like its a accomplishment since he stuck his dick in every woman he could while i raised kids and took care of him I mean I waited on this man hand and foot to keep him happy all the while he screwing hookers (god I am helpless ) I guess Iam going threw a ruff time rite now sorry my reply turned into a vent !!!