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Newest Member: EllaE21 (60723)

User Topic: OW is of a different race...and it bothers me
♀ 33956
Member # 33956
Default  Posted: 2:42 AM, July 25th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

it just does...and i am not sure how to process all of this. my h and i are of the same race...and the women he cheated with are outside of our race. and they are all very unattractive. i lived with a man for several years outside of my bestfriend who was maid of honor at my wedding is outside my race....race has never been an issue in my life.

except now....and it hurts me....deeply. i feel like something is wrong with me. the ow...the porn sites, and the on-line sites he was on were all with women outside our race. the mind movies about this really hurt as well.
we have talked about this in mc...and i have talked about it in ic. the reasons he gives me when i ask him why he chose to cheat with women outside of our race...are well....appalling. but i guess the whole infedelity thing is just appalling.

i feel like i am in this wierd kind of competition with women of this race....i feel he in some way "prefers" them over me....

he tries to reassure me...and says all the right things...but still, he did that, you know?

i also know that his old cheating buddies also cheated with women outside of their race as well. they would go out and do it together.

as for me, i have been told i am very pretty, i am in good shape, a professional, and i make a nice home for my family. these women that he cheated with outside our race..are well....painfully unattractive...painfully. my h is very handsome....and he chose these women...over me...i am rambling...because it is so hard to talk about.

but it bothers me...and i wanted to see if any of my friends here felt the same way?

whenever we are out together...and a woman of this race is around, i always wonder if he wants her...or is attracted to her.

it hurts...

[This message edited by sri624 at 2:53 AM, July 25th (Thursday)]

BS (41):(Former Doormat)
WS (39):(Busted Cheater)
Married: 10 years, 3 kids under 5
DD1: 10/11 PA/EA with pilates instructor/former stripper.
DD2: 10/12 False r, cheating with other women, online dating,Substance abuse issues.
R:Last chance

Posts: 1065 | Registered: Nov 2011 | From: Alabama
♂ 36622
Member # 36622
Default  Posted: 5:10 AM, July 25th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage


BS 42
fWS 38 (SurprisinglyOkay)
A whole bunch of shit that got a lot worse before it got better.
"Knowing is half the battle"

Posts: 2859 | Registered: Aug 2012
♀ 30826
Member # 30826
Default  Posted: 5:22 AM, July 25th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

The 3 girls WH had contact with were all a different I understand.


FWH 48
4 kids
M: June 2001
D-Day: 8/10/10

..that feeling you get in your stomach, when you heart's broken. It's like all the butterflies just died.

Posts: 15220 | Registered: Jan 2011
♀ 36267
Member # 36267
Default  Posted: 5:26 AM, July 25th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I think it may be just that the OWs are so different than you, that you feel like you can't possibly compete. You might feel the same (maybe to a lesser degree) if they were the same race, but a vastly different physical type. (For example, I wonder if WH is attracted to every mousy brunette with huge glasses and jesus sandals who wanders by)

Don't waste your energy beating your self up for what you may be identifying as racist feelings. And, please, don't allow yourself to fixate on this issue that they actually turn into genuine racist feelings.

He cheated with those women because they were available and willing to fuck a married man. They could have been anyone, from any race, or any planet. If a 3 titted woman came down from Mars and validated a WS's ego, they would probably hit that too.

Its another layer in the shit sandwich. So sorry you are going through this.


Don't come around here no more
-Tom Petty

Posts: 675 | Registered: Jul 2012 | From: Canada
♀ 39415
Member # 39415
Default  Posted: 5:39 AM, July 25th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I don't agree that it is random. I think there is something to it and that his IC should be all over it. If there is a pattern they should be looking about how your WS feels about women of that race... what his prejudices are. Is he trying to "be bad"?, does he think they are "better sexually"?, does he think is is improving his standing? are they forbidden in his FOO?

Posts: 201 | Registered: Jun 2013
♀ 30826
Member # 30826
Default  Posted: 5:48 AM, July 25th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

MY WH didn't pick these girls at random either. He purposely chose girls(can't call them women,they were young) because they were *this* particular race.

Im not sure why.

ETA: I do believe had that alien from Mars that BNG mentioned had been posting on craigslist in our area,WH would have been all over that..

[This message edited by confused615 at 5:51 AM, July 25th (Thursday)]

FWH 48
4 kids
M: June 2001
D-Day: 8/10/10

..that feeling you get in your stomach, when you heart's broken. It's like all the butterflies just died.

Posts: 15220 | Registered: Jan 2011
♀ 39388
Member # 39388
Default  Posted: 6:04 AM, July 25th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Years ago when I had my affair, it was with someone of another race. Honestly, it could have been anyone and this man was in no way nearly as attractive as my husband. Thinking back on it now, I wonder what on earth I could have been thinking.

When my husband had his affair last year, the woman was my age, my height, but different complexion, hair color and length. At first I compared myself but I really thought she was unattractive. What made me feel better was to focus on things that are uniquely me. I bought new makeup to play up my best features. I'm letting my hair grow long again just because hers is short with a bad perm. I've always liked my full lips, so now I own many shades of red lipstick and I wear it well. I love being her opposite but it did take a while to get it through my head that he didn't choose her because she was his dream woman. He chose her because she was desperate and needy and it gave him a boost.

me-BS,FWS madhatter (36)
him-BS, FWS (39)
2 children 17 and 13
Married 13 years
Ow-(36)Stranger that he met on POF
D-day 10/03/2012
status: in recovery, NC with OW since shortly after DDay

Posts: 38 | Registered: May 2013
♀ 39803
Member # 39803
Default  Posted: 6:59 AM, July 25th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My WS picked someone dramatically different from me physically, but with a somewhat similar personality and background. She is a very petite person, which she actually has quite a hangup about. (Also very flatchested.)

You can bet that I am appreciating my curves, the fact that I am taller than average, my breasts, etc. more now! Also, she has curly/frizzy hair and I am celebrating my longer, straight hair that my husband has always loved.

I don't know how to tie this in to race other than men sometimes desire what is forbidden. Or, they get messages early on in puberty that something about a particular race is desireable. You might ask him about this seeming preference and when it started. But, he did not choose to marry someone of that race, which is important to note. I hate to say it, but it is actually kind of a negative about the race in his mind if all of his fantasies are of this race, but he chooses not to have "real" relationships with them, KWIM? It is almost a demeaning thing.

[This message edited by bionicgal at 7:04 AM, July 25th (Thursday)]

me - BS (45) - DDay - June 2013
A was 2+ months, EA/PA
In MC & Reconciling
"Getting over a painful experience is much like crossing monkey bars. You have to let go at some point to move forward." -- C.S. Lewis.

Posts: 3512 | Registered: Jul 2013 | From: USA
♀ 36171
Member # 36171
Default  Posted: 7:24 AM, July 25th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

It seems to me that the bigger issue here is the cheating - or at least it should be. Really what difference does being outside your race make? Would you prefer the porn stars be the same race as you? Would you really feel any better?

Or is the underlying quandary the fact that race really is an issue for you?

Please read Bravenewgirl's post. It's really very accurate. Bringing race into the equation simply adds another layer to an already difficult situation.

2012 was a bitch...but I'm hopeful about 2013.

Posts: 317 | Registered: Jul 2012
♀ 37575
Member # 37575
Default  Posted: 9:10 AM, July 25th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I am glad you felt safe here to post what bothers you. I can understand.
I have dated guys of races other that my own and my sister is in a bi-racial marriage. I really enjoy and embrace diversity in race and cultures.
My WH cheated with foreign prostitutes from a variety of races and cultures. Sometimes when I see a younger woman of a certain race it will be a trigger and bother me, is that what you are saying?
I have known and am learning more about prostitution in some foreign cultures and how sometimes it is generational. From what I have seen, sadly some prostitutes from certain races or cultures are thought to be more "subservient" sexually. It appears that some promote themselves by their race/culture because of certain sex behaviors. It makes me sick thinking that my WH had any part in supporting this way of thinking. He doesn't seem to think race was a factor, but when I asked why not a prostitute from "X" country, he said they had a reputation of having diseases. Ok, HE is discriminating with prostitutes?? What?! (You know that is ridiculous and part of this craziness!)
What really pisses me off is that he was stupid enough to buy into stereotypes. Ageism also bothers me greatly. Why did he pick young ones, of course I know but it bothers me, just saying. WH didn't date women of these races when he was single, but he picks them for prostitution? Bothers me.
I just want to say that I can validate your feelings about race bothering you. I think it's one of the triggers that you are dealing with. I am sorry. I completely understand about race not being an issue in your life at all, and now.......
It's just another weird twist on this crazy roller coaster.
Take care,

Me: BW Him: FWH in our 50's
DDay June 1st 2012
cheated with prostitutes overseas

Posts: 700 | Registered: Nov 2012 | From: Out West
♀ 33596
Member # 33596
Default  Posted: 9:30 AM, July 25th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

When FWH and I were friends before we dated I always assumed he like women from a certain race. This always bothered FWH and he would go on and on about how I am his type etc.

However, the first woman he slept with was this exact race. And when I confronted him about it he denied and denied. So he emailed about 20 women and when he decides to sleep with women he choose that one.

Now I've untangled some of his affairs it was with at least 4 different races and one guy.

The only thing he was looking for was someone dumb enough to fall for his stupid stupid fake stories and broken enough to sleep with someone right away they found on CL.

But I'm still working through this. My FWH writes short stories and one of his was having an affair with a woman that was the same race that he first slept with and this was written 2 years before he started cheating. These screamed of premeditiation and maybe it was and maybe it was all the attractive brokeness.

But this is my reality. I can't change my race and they can't change theirs.

Me - BW 38
Him - WH 33
Don't fuck with me fellas! This ain't my first time at the rodeo!
DD - 3/28/11

Posts: 187 | Registered: Oct 2011 | From: Indiana
♀ 33956
Member # 33956
Default  Posted: 11:35 AM, July 25th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

thank you guys for listening to me this morning about is very hard to talk was hard to post my feelings about this, but i knew that only my other BS friends who have already been betrayed would really understand.....

maybe you guys are would have been anyone.

but i do know that when he was cheating, he was specific about cheating with women in this race. the bars him and his friends went to was well known for a lot of interracial dating.

i sometimes wonder if he feels like dating outside his race makes him feel like he is on a higher level or something...or if he is doing something "cool." i dont know...i cant explain it. but when he was cheating...and hanging out with his friends...they seemed to ONLY want to cheat with these women outside our race.
he swears with conviction that he would never marry a woman in this race, that he loves me....and our race....but i am not convinced.
and it bothers me that i am bothered by this.

i would be upset no matter who the ow was...i know just adds another layer to the pain.

BS (41):(Former Doormat)
WS (39):(Busted Cheater)
Married: 10 years, 3 kids under 5
DD1: 10/11 PA/EA with pilates instructor/former stripper.
DD2: 10/12 False r, cheating with other women, online dating,Substance abuse issues.
R:Last chance

Posts: 1065 | Registered: Nov 2011 | From: Alabama
♀ 39169
Member # 39169
Default  Posted: 3:39 PM, July 25th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Well my wh didn't seem to limit who he would sext with (at least 30-35+ different women) and it did bother me that there were other races simply because I felt like he wanted something I can never be. But the reality is I trigger constantly in public - looking at other women of any size, shape, or age, and wonder if she was one of them. I also wonder CONSTANTLY "would he want her ? Her? What about her? Her boobs are better, hair is better, race is different, younger, etc etc etc" until it feels like madness. So race is in there, but its just one variable.

40 somethings - me BW after 20 years
D Day April 2013
Divorced November 2013
Time is a great healer but a terrible beautician.

Posts: 984 | Registered: May 2013
♀ 38263
Member # 38263
Default  Posted: 6:27 PM, July 25th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Wow, same exact issues for me!!!

I was raised in a wonderful home where I never "saw" color. People are people.

My husbands "main" acting out partner is of a certain race, as is his other sexting/sex partners.

It REALLY bothers me. I have had best friends of this race, and now every time I see a woman when we are out together. who fits this,racial,stereotype , I try REALLY really hard not to trigger.

Never mind that I am a "regular" sized person 5'5"...size 8... and his acting out partners are all the height of our youngest child!!!!

Our MC has deduced after many months, that perhaps he was choosing these,particular women because they were SO different to me. Not just racially, but all of them are seriously fucked up mentally and have zero class.

I am working through my new race issues with my counselor, weird that I have one now....adds to my laundry list of ways I've been jacked up by my husbands sex addiction :(

Good luck to you.xoxox

I choose to thrive. I choose to be happy.

That which doesn't kill me makes me stronger...but damn, aren't I strong enough yet???

Posts: 71 | Registered: Jan 2013
♀ 34353
Member # 34353
Default  Posted: 6:37 PM, July 25th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I have to say I think cheating is the issue not the race of the AP.

Me: BS
Him: WS
Married since 1985
Parents to 2 adult sons and 3 of the cutest cats you have ever seen
D-day 8/6/11 Truth about ONS and 9/21/11 Truth about EA and 10/28/15 NEW dday.
Just surviving.

Posts: 1849 | Registered: Dec 2011 | From: midwest now.
Topic Posts: 15

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