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Hurts so Bad

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minniemouse51 posted 7/25/2013 03:15 AM

On March 5 I found out the man I've been with for 14 years cheated with another woman for at least 1 year. It may have been longer (I still haven't got the truth).We lived together for 7 years, but had to live seperatly because of family issues. I had to move in with my mom in Sept of 2011 and he had to move in with his grown son. We were still together and saw each other every day. I wouldn't go to his apartment because I can't stand his son. He stayed over at my place least 4 days a week. When his son finally got a job my WS got his own place. I was staying at his house for a couple days. He went to work and said if you want to use my computer go ahead. While I was on his computer I found a video of him and the OW having sex. I felt like someone punched me in the gut. I thought I might Throw up. I immediatly went on his facebook and found out her name . He called me from work and asked if I was bored. I said no I just watched a video on your computer. He said oh yeah which one. I said the one of you F$&*#! another woman. I could Hear the panic in his voice. He said it only happened once. I said BS you were too familiar with each other. Then he said OK it happened 3 times. Once again I said BS get your lies straight and we will talk in the morning. When he came home he was sorry. He said I ended it with her in September. I said that's strange cause the video was done on Sept.20.I left and told him don't call I don't want anything to do with you. I went to work that night (I was a total wreck).The next morning I went straight to his house. He wasn't home from work yet. I had a key so I went in to wait for him cause I still had a lot of questions. It just so happened he left his cell phone on the chair. I went to messages and there was a message from the OW that said thanks for having your friend text me and tell me it's over. I guess I wasted a year. When he came home he was quite shocked to see me holding his phone. I said I thought you ended it in Sept. He said I did. I haven't seen her since Sept. I said I guess you forgot to tell her and you weren't even man enough to tell her now. You got your friend to do it. I said I want to talk to her. He said he didn't have her number he deleted it. I said call your friend and get it. He did and texted her that he loved me and it was over I left and didn't have any contact with him for 2 weeks. He tried to call and text me every day but I couldn't deal with him. In that 2 weeks I changed my hair color and bought new clothes. I stopped in unannounced with my new hair and clothes and told him if he didn't want me someone else might and I wanted him to see what he threw away. He begged me not to go. Since then I have found 3 more videos and many pictures. The pictures date back to Feb.2011 and the videos were all before Sept. I never in a million years thought he would do this to me. When I look back there were signs. He started hanging out with friends that all cheat while I was at work. I found one of the pictures of the OW on his computer in Sept. and asked who it was. He said it was his friends latest conquest. I told him I wasn't buying it she was not his friends type. (His friend did send him risqué pictures of his conquests). He would make excuses why he didn't answer his phone (the battery died, I forgot it in the car, etc...).He would say he would be over in the morning after work and would show up in the evening and would say oh I fell asleep. All the videos I found were made in the early afternoon. What I find really strange is while all this was going on he bought me a car and took me on at least 3 vacations. I haven't told anyone about this. I don't want my friends or family involved. I don't have anyone to talk to about this. When I bring it up to him he just says I made a huge mistake, I'm sorry, I wish it never happened. Maybe I could understand if she was younger or prettier or thinner, but she wasn't. I made him get tested for STD's and I did too. When I mentioned this he looked shocked. I said I have proof you didn't use a condom, so he agreed. I also told him you might not care about your health, but you put us both at risk. He has been bending over backwards to keep me from leaving. I believe he is sorry. I moved in with him but I told him I don't know how long I will stay. I also told him if I find any trace of the OW I will be gone for good. I am still devastated and confused. Some days I'm OK and other days I think I should just leave. I have been tempted to call or text the OW but I haven't. I'm really glad I found this sight. I needed somewhere to vent.

AFrayedKnot posted 7/25/2013 05:43 AM


I am sorry for what you are going through. You are in the right place. There are thousands of us here who have hurt like you and have made it through.

Read here, post here, ask questions here. There is an unlimited amount of info and support. No matter which path you take you will be OK.

A few great places to start are the
Healing Library ( in the yellow box on the upper left)
And some threads in this forum called:
Tactical primer
Before you say reconcile
A great post for newbies
Consequences 101

AFrayedKnot posted 7/25/2013 05:45 AM


You may want to break your posts up into smaller paragraphs with spaces. It makes them easier to read and will get more responses.

caregiver9000 posted 7/25/2013 13:42 PM

Not having anyone to talk to is very hard. At the very least SI can be somewhere to come and talk it out.

It is good that you have gotten STD testing done. Be sure to follow up in 6 months as some of the tests need repeating.

(((hugs))) and welcome to SI.

minniemouse51 posted 7/25/2013 14:43 PM

He always wanted me to sext pictures to him. I refused because I don't think that is very smart. I found about 20 pictures of the OW on his phone and computer. I guess she doesn't think it's wrong. He also wanted me to make videos. I refused for the same reason as stated above. I found 4 videos of WBF and OW. I also found videos of he and myself that I had no idea he made. I'm not sure if the OW knows about the videos. He said she does.

caregiver9000 posted 7/25/2013 16:18 PM

That is a terrible betrayal of your trust on so many levels!

Please visit the I Can Relate Forum and then visit the Sex Addicts thread. Your wbf's behavior might be familiar to some of the ladies there and they can give you good advice on how to manage moving forward with your wbf.

Please do not think that because you would not sext or send pictures that you caused him to cheat with the OW! His behavior has nothing to do with you!

bittertobetter posted 7/25/2013 20:14 PM

I am a lurker that finally developed the courage to post. I am 4 months post D-Day in a 14 1/2 year marriage. My husband cheated and I found out via text messages and I later found out more details via sexual pictures that he took of her and him engaged in sex acts that I found on his email. He initially told me that that they had an emotional affair for three months but then I found the pictures and he fully confessed. My WH has pleased for reconciliation and has been very remorseful and attentive post D-Day. Sounds like a happy ending right!...wrong. Each week trickle down truth pops out and it send me back into a whirlwind rage and hurt. WH claims that the details have hurt me enough and that he can't stand to see me breakdown. We have gone in MC and are working on a reconciliation plan step by step. My issue is that I am so full of fear, anger, and distrust. I hurt so bad that I can hardly breathe sometime. Irrationally, I ask myself "What is wrong with me that he cheated". Will I ever feel like a human again? Will I ever get the images of the pictures out of my mind? I am at a loss and I am just tired of all of this drama.

BFFGone posted 7/25/2013 20:27 PM

I'm 6 months into R, and I feel the raw pain in your words!

Good job getting tested. Follow up every six months for a year, and have no unprotected sex with him.

Make copies of all the pictures, texts, emails. After you have them printed, get that toxic matter off your computer and hide the evidence in a safe place (you never know if you might need it later)

S-Anon was a lifesaver for me at the point you are at right now. Check them out.

Keep posting. Vent, cry, whatever you need.

Take space, time...whatever you need. Unless he is ready to start a journey of healing himself and disclosing completely to you, he is not a safe person for you to be around.

Be kind to you. This has nothing to do with you, and it is not your fault. He is ill. He has a problem. You are NOT the problem. Until he understands that, he is not ready or deserving of ANY part of you.

((Hugs to you)))

SSmile posted 7/25/2013 20:38 PM

I too feel your pain, I am almost 9 months past dday and it is difficult and painful. My WH cheated multiple times and multiple women over our 10 yr marriage, He was my BF, I was clueless. It is selfish behavior. Hang in there, you arent alone.

caregiver9000 posted 7/25/2013 20:39 PM


Welcome out of lurkdom.

For me, posting about what happened and the way I felt about it, and knowing I was not the only one to feel exactly that way- helped me immensely.

The lack of trust is natural and the continuing betrayal through "trickle truth" is awful and painful!

Please make sure that you take care of yourself. Drink enough water. Stress and crying can dehydrate you quickly.

minniemouse51 posted 7/25/2013 23:34 PM

Thank you all for posting. It helps a little to know I'm not alone. I would like some opinions on something. Lately I really want to contact the OW. I would like to ask her what the truth is. I have no ill feelings toward her. I know he lied to her as much as he did me. I heard him tell her in the videos that we were not together. I know his best friend backed up the story cause he won't face me. His best friend is a serial cheater and doesn't think it is wrong. Any way is it a good idea to contact her?

caregiver9000 posted 7/26/2013 00:17 AM

I have read differing results with contacting the OW. There may be no way to know if she will be sympathetic to you, or hateful. Whatever "truth" she can give you will likely be painful. I am not sure what else you want?

At what point do you know enough? That is a personal question and may be different for every person.

I did talk to the OW shortly after dday. She was aware he was married. But she had a very negative view of the M from him. She did not care about the truth of the M. She had cast me as the hateful, cold, shrew of a wife. I was able to give her details and proof of other sexual encounters he had and she felt "betrayed" by that and tried to cast our situations as similar.

All in all, I would categorize my contact with the OW as not helpful and unnecessary. But that was my situation. Everyone is different.

minniemouse51 posted 7/26/2013 00:59 AM

I don't want her to be sympathetic. I just want answers. All I get from him is it was a bad mistake, I'm sorry, she meant nothing it was only sex. I know it will be painful, but I don't think I can hurt any worse than I do now. I would rather get it all out now.

caregiver9000 posted 7/26/2013 01:08 AM

There is a thread in General on contacting the OW that has other perspectives. I understand that need to know.

minniemouse51 posted 7/26/2013 01:23 AM

Caregiver thank you so much for your time. It really helps to vent to someone. I don't want any friends or family involved. They tend to pick sides and I don't want that. I feel you can't have a valid opinion unless you've been there. I really appreciate your input.

caregiver9000 posted 7/26/2013 01:55 AM

You are more than welcome! There is a whole community here that has "been there."

I hope you get the truth, one way or another. Not having the truth can be a special kind of crazy making.

I respect your wish to keep your situation private, but make sure you don't take on his shame even subconsciously. Nothing that happened is your fault or reflects on you! Your right to privacy is your right, but not your burden.

Keep posting. One of my favorite benefits of SI when the rage hit was the verbal freedom and the discovery of some new colorful language.

One of my favorite sayings given to me in the early days was "When you are in Hell, keep walking."

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