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Newest Member: js01 (45726)

User Topic: 14 months out.
TheTooGoodWife
♀ 35973
Member # 35973
Default  Posted: 6:50 AM, July 25th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

We are 14 months from d-day and life is "new normal". I am no longer hurting or sad. The anger is minimal and usually flares up around that time of the month, so hormonally driven. I have been seeing 2 therapists, one I see weekly still (childhood sexual abuse psychotherapist) and the other (IC) is down to once a month now. The therapy has been very intense and I have had some pretty tough "look in the mirror, face your demons and hidden self" sessions. I no longer talk of the A or think of it all that much. OW is a fleeting thought and I feel nothing when it does crop up. I rarely trigger. I laugh in a way I have not laughed in years. I have a sense of freedom I don't ever remember feeling...ever. I feel good, really good. I don't check up on WH as it's not worth my time or energy TBH. I do talk about A behaviours with WH but the almost OCD discussions on the details of the A itself has reached a point of "meh, it was what it was". WH is still having a hard time processing all of this and still has panic attacks and is now on a waiting list to see a psychotherapist recommended by his IC and our GP. I understand that my healing process has been faster than his because when I met with my ICs I told them "kid gloves off and no pussy footing, I want tough talking and 2x4s" whereas I feel WH is being "handled". I have been "charging at the enemy" for so long and so hard that I am finding it difficult to slow down and wait for WH and it scares him. Both therapists have cautioned me to slow down as WH does not process things as fast as I do. The question is...is it normal for me to feel this way at 14 months out or am I just on a screwy detour? I have been feeling this way for about 2 months now.

ETA: My ICs feel that I have outgrown WH and if I don't slow down and wait for him to catch up then our M might not be saved and they both, as well as WH's IC, feel our M is worth rebuilding.

[This message edited by TheTooGoodWife at 6:56 AM, July 25th (Thursday)]


Me-BW-46
WH-43
M-13 yrs together 15 yrs, 2 DS 11 & 8
D-Day 20 May '12 WH confessed, PA 4 months 06/2008-10/2008 cOW
His A says nothing about me but everything about him

Posts: 239 | Registered: Jun 2012 | From: UK
MovingUpward
♂ 14866
Member # 14866
Default  Posted: 10:30 AM, July 25th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I don't think that there is an abnormal way to feel at 14 months. Everyone is on their own path. I don't see anything that you wrote that makes me feel that your path is abnormal therefore I am deducing it to be normal. I can see if your healing continues to outpace your WH's that you might become impatient. If you are strong enough then you might see what you can do to help him come up to your speed and then continue the journey together.


AKA Moo

Think of the haters in your life as sandpaper; they’ll scratch you up time and time again but in the end you’re polished, smooth, and spotless..while they end up useless

We make a living by what we get, but we make a life by what we give.


Posts: 52993 | Registered: Jun 2007 | From: Big Blue Nation
nowiknow23
♀ 33226
Member # 33226
Default  Posted: 11:52 AM, July 25th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

and they both, as well as WH's IC, feel our M is worth rebuilding.
Honest question - Do YOU feel it's worth rebuilding?


You can call me NIK

"Keep your face always toward the sunshine - and shadows will fall behind you."
-Walt Whitman


Posts: 26167 | Registered: Aug 2011
TheTooGoodWife
♀ 35973
Member # 35973
Default  Posted: 12:26 PM, July 25th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Honest question - Do YOU feel it's worth rebuilding?

Yes, because the good in the M and within ourselves far outweigh the bad ( A inclusive).


Me-BW-46
WH-43
M-13 yrs together 15 yrs, 2 DS 11 & 8
D-Day 20 May '12 WH confessed, PA 4 months 06/2008-10/2008 cOW
His A says nothing about me but everything about him

Posts: 239 | Registered: Jun 2012 | From: UK
Rebreather
♀ 30817
Member # 30817
Default  Posted: 12:30 PM, July 25th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

There have been times in our recovery where I knew I was ahead of my FWH. I have told him directly that he best hurry up, or I might be within his reach any more. I think it is *normal*, as in, not abnormal (or Abby Normal, for that matter).

While everyone has to work through their process, some prodding of the wayward to shift gears can be effective.


Me BS
Him WH
2 ddays in '07
Recovering.
"The cure for the pain, is the pain." -Rumi

Posts: 6643 | Registered: Jan 2011
TheTooGoodWife
♀ 35973
Member # 35973
Default  Posted: 12:47 PM, July 25th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I can see if your healing continues to outpace your WH's that you might become impatient. If you are strong enough then you might see what you can do to help him come up to your speed and then continue the journey together.

This is already happening and that is why my ICs have told me to slow down. They would prefer that WH do the work himself as one of the issues we had in our M is that I always ended up having to step in and "save the day" because WH never followed through on things or procrastinated to a point where it would have serious consequences for us as a family. We both resented it but never voiced it. He felt I was controlling and I felt he was immature and irresponsible. I have had to learn to step back and he has had to learn to step forward.


Me-BW-46
WH-43
M-13 yrs together 15 yrs, 2 DS 11 & 8
D-Day 20 May '12 WH confessed, PA 4 months 06/2008-10/2008 cOW
His A says nothing about me but everything about him

Posts: 239 | Registered: Jun 2012 | From: UK
TheTooGoodWife
♀ 35973
Member # 35973
Default  Posted: 1:03 PM, July 25th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I have told him directly that he best hurry up, or I might not be within his reach any more.

I mentioned this to WH on Monday after my IC session as it was one of the issues raised. WH felt threatened and attacked. I told him I was not attacking or threatening him but raising a valid point. Throughout our entire 14 year relationship my life has been literally on hold while catering to and supporting WH and the kids and now I have finally "woken up" and done some seriously hard and damned uncomfortable work on myself (with more to come) and realised it is ok to be a bit selfish and not feel guilty about it and WH feels threatened and attacked (his FOO coping mechanism at being abandoned kicked in). His IC is working with him on this.

[This message edited by TheTooGoodWife at 1:04 PM, July 25th (Thursday)]


Me-BW-46
WH-43
M-13 yrs together 15 yrs, 2 DS 11 & 8
D-Day 20 May '12 WH confessed, PA 4 months 06/2008-10/2008 cOW
His A says nothing about me but everything about him

Posts: 239 | Registered: Jun 2012 | From: UK
Topic Posts: 7

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