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Confused1829 posted 7/25/2013 09:15 AM

And it sucks!

He's such a great guy, amazing really. I want to keep seeing him, but I am afraid he is so much more in love with me than I am with him, and it isn't fair.

He is my first SO since the big D, so there's also a part of me that is happy to have found someone so wonderful, (they do exist!) but if I don't feel like I completely love him, I really shouldn't settle for the first one out of the gate, ya know? Side note, I've been seeing him since March.

I don't really want to break up completely but it's not fair to keep him in the wings while I see what else is out there. There's a part of me that thinks 'this man is a good man, and he would marry me tomorrow - he's a good provider and if I want a family, this is the way to do it'. BUT is that a reason to stay with someone?

What brought me to this is he's planned some trips for us, one that is just a car ride away for a weekend, but later in September he wants to fly me home for his brothers wedding. I think this is too serious for me. I agreed to it previously before but now I'm afraid if I go, I'm more committed than I want to be. I need to tell him this before he buys the tickets but he will be so upset. I don't want to hurt him.

Ugh, I dont know what to do. This is hard! Can I just take a break? Am I testing him too much? Is that just what a former scorned woman does? If you saw an earlier post, I was wondering what love really is, maybe this is it and I shouldn't confuse someone loving me too much with me not loving them at all.

I go back and forth frequently on this, I enjoy spending time with him and doing couply things with him, but if I'm still this wishy washy 5 months in, that's a sign right? Or should I just stick it out and not jump the gun? I've never broken up with anyone before so I don't even know where to begin. Help!

Catwoman posted 7/25/2013 09:21 AM

It has just been a few months--why are you putting so much pressure on yourself? How do you know your feelings will not deepen and change with time?

Is he happy in the relationship? Are your relationship goals compatible?

While it is grossly unfair to stay in a relationship when you know you don't want the same things, I don't know it this early in you can really know. KWIM?

Cat

Confused1829 posted 7/25/2013 09:29 AM

Catwoman - totally hear you! That is what I worry about, I just want to take it one day at a time, but if we go to this wedding in September and I know I don't want to be THAT serious, isn't that bad? He's talking about the vacations and the wedding and all, but that's the kind of pressure that I'm feeling. How can it be one day at a time when things are being planned months ahead of time? That he's paying for? I don't want to take advantage of him.

Like, if I want to break up right before, or right after the wedding, I don't want to interfere with the families special day. Ya know?

jennie160 posted 7/25/2013 09:49 AM

Would he be willing to take things slower? Just live in today and not plan ahead for awhile?

SO and I took things at a snails pace for the first year. We took our time getting to know each other and didn't really make plans past what are we going to do next weekend.

I probably would be uncomfortable going to his brothers wedding this early in the relationship as well. Can you tell him that you are enjoying getting to know him but you want to keep taking things as they come (day by day)? Hold off on the plane ticket and see how the weekend trip away goes. If he gets upset because you don't feel ready for that step yet it may be a sign that you aren't right for each other.

turned123 posted 7/25/2013 16:24 PM

Admittedly I know next to nothing about how you both communicate but it seems to me if he is asking to bring you to a family wedding and pay your way that there is a disconnect between where he may feel your relationship is and where you do. It seems to me he is ahead of you with his feelings. I would like to be told that ASAP ounce that it becomes apparent. If his feelings for you are true and he is willing to be patient and take things one day at a time to see how things develop then to me that's a good start but for him to participate in the relationship not knowing where you stand to me that creates an imbalance of information and operating principles which then empowers one person more instead of it being equal. In my opinion this should be cleared up prior to the trip in fairness to the host. Then again life's short have fun...just kidding. Talk to him! A good man will listen to your concerns respect your feelings and honor your wishes. IMHO.

Edited because I can't write!

[This message edited by turned123 at 4:27 PM, July 25th (Thursday)]

tabitha95 posted 7/25/2013 20:34 PM

I don't really want to break up completely but it's not fair to keep him in the wings while I see what else is out there.

It sounds like you want to shop around a bit more before becoming serious with one person. If this is the case, then you should end things. I wouldn't ask him to slow down a bit, etc... because it seems that you want to date other people. It's too much of a slippery slope if you two have been in a one on one relationship and he expects monogamy.

I.will.survive posted 7/25/2013 21:05 PM

My goodness, I could have written your post right down to the whole (my) family wedding thing!

I did kind of break up with my SO because I was feeling the same way. That maybe I am settling, but he's a wonderful man that would marry me. He's told me he wants to spend the rest of his life with me and we just met in March as well!

We've been exclusive since day one. He's my first relationship post divorce, but I am his 3rd (1st beyond the 2 month window.)

He finally got the message that he needs to slow his roll. That he's scaring me to death and I don't want to think about getting married. I love spending time with him and look forward to it.

Do you love that time together? Or do you wish you were doing other things when you do see each other? Do you miss HIM specifically?

I, too, wonder what else is out there. But for now, I am very happy with our dating relationship. I feel better that I told him where my head was at and he still chooses to be with me. Although he did say today to please be careful with his heart. Ugh!

Can you tell him what you're feeling and let him make the call?

Confused1829 posted 7/25/2013 21:59 PM

First - THANK YOU all for your support and thoughts! It's good to know I'm not alone and am not crazy.

Yes - we have communicated a lot and he has been really sensitive to date in terms of the pace I need to take.

Having said that, we have got into a couple of spats and tonight was one of them where he 'wants to know where I at' cause 'he's falling in love with me'. It's hard, but he's coming over now and I think we're going to have a big talk. We could be broken up after, and/or he'll understand me better where I'm at. At the very least, we both need to know what page the other is on.

Sigh. Wish me luck. This is hard :/ at the very least, I know we're both being mature and honest with where we are and where else can you be?

Its hard but I've been through worse, right? We both deserve respect and honesty, regardless of what the outcome may entail. That in itself is refreshing. Sigh...........

9.10.11 posted 7/26/2013 06:18 AM

Hope everything went well for you last night. I am somewhat in his shoes right now. The "unknown" is a scary place when it comes to relationships. Not knowing how a person really feels about you is stressful.

Keep us updated.

Confused1829 posted 7/26/2013 08:35 AM

Thanks, we talked, forever. Still don't know where we stand.

Finally this morning I had to be like " I have to get stuff done for work, I'm not trying to be rude, but I can't talk about this anymore right now" lol.

Basically, we get into these stupid fights where he is really insecure about our relationship. Granted, I understand I'm wishy washy. But when we first started dating he was super jealous and that caused fights, and with other stuff, he's always 'reading between the lines' for stuff that doesn't exist and I feel like I'm going in circles.

I want him to have what he deserves to feel complete in a relationship, but I also am tired of feeling like what I am and who I am isn't enough. I'm just afraid he wants more than I am able to give (with or without the past D). It's also kinda hurtful cause he says I'm a bit closed off and that really hurts because XH said the same thing and that's one of the reasons he cheated. This is who I am, I can't fake being someone else. Maybe that makes me an awful, unloveable person but I can't change who I am.

I am really leaning now towards breaking up or at the very least taking a break. I feel these themes and issues will keep coming up - he doesn't think it will and thinks we can get through it. Even told me he loved me last night.

I don't want to hurt him but don't want to drag this on either. I want him to feel like he's able to get what he wants and needs (even though he says the more he understands me, that's all he needs- yea right, just give it time!) and I don't want to feel like I'm not good enough. I'd rather just rip the bandaid off now - where as he wants to start with a clean slate.

So, it continues on tonight. I may just have to stand my ground and be cold and end things. Sorry for the rambling, just sorting it out.

lostmommy posted 7/26/2013 10:47 AM

I dated basically the guy you're dating now. He wanted too much from me and was way too into me in a short period of time and it felt smothering and overwhelming. My repeated requests to slow down were ignored. I wound up breaking up, then deciding to give him a second chance, and the second verse was the same as the first.

I think if he doesn't respect your request to slow down, it's time to move on.

tabitha95 posted 7/26/2013 11:10 AM

second verse was the same as the first.

I did the same things with XSO. When we broke up, I was really clear of the reasons (reasons I had discussed ad nauseum during the relationship). After we broke it off, he seems to finally "get it", so a month later, nothing changed, and we broke up again. He seems shocked. Somehow he thinks he changed things.

I guess I'm getting at in a round about way is that when someone feels/acts/wants certain things and certain ways and they are asked to not feel/act/want that way they think they can do it, but so many of those things aren't really in our control. Things don't change.

Speechless101 posted 7/27/2013 09:43 AM

Confused-I could have written every word you just did! I just ended a relationship with a wonderful, genuine, honest, funny, caring, supportive, successful, understanding man. He was my first "serious" relationship since the divorce. He is everything I could have imagined and more-can't believe I found him on match.com!

All of our time together was amazing I decided to be very open and tell the story like it is about my past. In return he did the same. Our communication was like night and day compared to my relationship with xh. Like you said, this guy would have married me tomorrow and would have been a great provider but our chemistry wasn't there. I also fell into it getting too serious for me. At one point we took a break and he was SO understanding we would text here and there but we didn't see one another. Once I got done pondering everything we decided to try it again. Unfortunately we have a good time together but the romantic love and physical just wasn't there for me so before he got in too deep I ended it. I feel sad about it but I know that it was the right thing to do-but it was the first time I've ever had to break up with someone. I was just open and honest with him and he understood. It's not easy but you will know what you need to do eventually-just take it one day at a time and look inside yourself. That's also a huge difference and maybe it comes with age but this break up has been the most mature. He is very sad I learned via text a few days ago. When I talked to him about it he held back his emotions but now he is letting me know he is hurt and he misses me. I did shed a few tears but I know it was the right thing he deserves the BEST and I couldn't give it to him as much as I wanted to.

[This message edited by Speechless101 at 9:48 AM, July 27th (Saturday)]

I.will.survive posted 7/27/2013 10:02 AM

Oh I'm sorry you feel like you are still confused about where you stand. Although it sounds like you do want to break it off with him.

When you told him you wanted to slow it down and he told you he loved you....that sounds familiar to me. The same 24 hrs my SO said he wanted to spend the rest of his life with me, I told him I didn't think he was "the one."

Only difference is, he did slow it down. He told me he realized he was rushing us and he is learning to enjoy the now and be in the moment. If your guy can't do that, then it is best to break it off.

It sounds like you WISH he was more of what you are looking for, but the reality is he just isn't.

traildad posted 7/28/2013 07:41 AM

It sounds like you want to shop around a bit more before becoming serious with one person. If this is the case, then you should end things. I wouldn't ask him to slow down a bit, etc... because it seems that you want to date other people. It's too much of a slippery slope if you two have been in a one on one relationship and he expects monogamy.

I think this says it very well. I just broke up with my SO after a few months. It was moving way too fast for me, she was saying the same things your SO was saying. I tried to slow it down, but that only lasted a week or so, then she would say things about her heart, etc. I realized I wanted to shop around more. She was great, but I would've always had doubts if I was settling for the first decent person to come along post D. I am much more at peace after breaking it off, and I have a better idea of what I am looking for in a future SO. Also, the moving quick, insecurity, type stuff has become a huge turn off for me. I want someone that can sense the natural pace of a relationship and is secure no matter how it turns out.

fireproof posted 7/28/2013 08:36 AM

I would tell him where you stand that you need to take things slower and you do care for him. Give him the option.

If you feel strongly about the wedding which I understand completely I would tell him you have so many relatives coming in for the wedding and you prefer to spend one one on one time with them. Being hurt a little is understandable upset/irritated isn't.

I don't think it s this or that. If you don't really like him you need to be honest and let him go. If you are unsure then see where things go but to be honest let him know you want to move slower. You can always reevaluate in a few months.

Good luck!

Confused1829 posted 7/28/2013 10:01 AM

Thank you so much everyone! It's so good to know I'm not alone in how I'm feeling.

We did some SERIOUS talking the last 3 days. I told him it's moving too fast for me, and we need to take it down a few notches. But as someone else here said - the insecurity thing is so much more of a turnoff for me now.

I wouldn't say that we aren't on the same page in terms of monogamy, we certainly are. I just dont think I'm ready to give him what he really seems to need and want. He says that I give him everything he needs and that we can slow it down to any pace that's comfortable for me. He REALLY is amazing and understanding. Our communication is great and it is refreshing. But, even though he says he would be able to slow down, I know that isn't really what he wants and that's unfair to him.

Speechless, it sounds like you're my twin!

before he got in too deep I ended it. I feel sad about it but I know that it was the right thing to do-but it was the first time I've ever had to break up with someone.

This is how I'm feeling. Yesterday we ended up taking a break and we'll reevaluate on Friday. I don't even know if that's enough of a break for me, cause I even feel pressure to hurry up and figure out how I feel by then, but it's a start. I'm trying to have enough space to see how I feel but within a timeframe that is fair to him.

I'm still not sure what i want. I don't want to end things entirely, I already miss him. He's terribly upset and I feel awful and have certainly cried as well. Sometimes I wonder if Im self-sabotaging. But I have to be honest. I want to take it one day at a time, no strings attached and he doesn't. At the end of the day, thats not fair to him (even though he says he's fine, he'll say anything to keep me but that's not right).

Also, when the same fights reoccur (insecurity) it's not going to go away. In someways, since my D I am much more stern than 'normal' people, ya know? I can forgive obviously, but when I see patterned behavior, I've learned to know that you can't change a person and don't waste your time trying. I think that's hard for a lot of people that haven't had a D to comprehend. In a lot of ways, I'm more forgiving and calm since D, but in others I have a zero tolerance policy.

Sigh.
This really does suck but I'm hoping the space will bring me the clarity I need to do what's right. Thanks for your thoughts!

tabitha95 posted 7/28/2013 10:44 AM

I'm still not sure what i want. I don't want to end things entirely, I already miss him.

We do get a sort of "addiction" to people we are dating. It doesn't mean you should get back together, necessarily. Just like if you want to quit smoking, you know you will be better off if you aren't smoking, BUT, you really want that cigarette. I definately had a physical addiction to my XSO. I would crave his touch. But, everything aside from the intimate part of our relationship wasn't working out. That is one of the reaons we went back after a month, but it only lasted a month more and then the break-up was worse.

cmego posted 7/28/2013 11:27 AM

In a lot of ways, I'm more forgiving and calm since D, but in others I have a zero tolerance policy.

^^^This is where I am struggling post S/D with men now too. I feel more "cold" than I ever used too. A "zero tolerance policy" as you say.

...and for some reason, the further out I get, the more "zero tolerance" I am. I have no idea what this means for my future, I am trying to find that balance.

From the outside, it sounds like you guys are simply on different pages. The bottom line is that you have to do what is right for YOU. If it isn't working for you, then it isn't working.

If someone told me that they wanted no strings attached, one day at a time, type "relationship"...well....that isn't a relationship.

I don't think you are self sabotaging. It sounds like you met a nice guy that you don't want to hurt, who you didn't fall in love with and it may be time to end the relationship.

Waits posted 7/30/2013 00:13 AM

Thanks, we talked, forever. Still don't know where we stand

Your post that began with this line seems to express the reality of the situation here.
You're 4 months into your first SO. Be kind to yourself. This all seems like a an awful lot of pressure and drama.
If he is insecure, jealous, and reading between the lines all the time I feel that it very telling. Actions matter in this world, words in the end, don't mean very much.
You deserve to enjoy your life and be happy.
Examine his actions and where they're coming from ask for what you want and if you're not feeling it and he's not getting it, that's ok.
When my stbxw left me I've taken to heart the words of Maya Angelou "The first time someone shows you who they are, believe them".

You deserve happiness, don't bury it under someone else's.