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NC / 180 starting to work?

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PhantomLimb posted 7/25/2013 09:32 AM

Quick rundown: After DDay#2 (WS took A w/ DOW underground) told my WS I wanted full NC and I moved in with family on the other side of the country. Going on 3mos of complete NC (after first couple of weeks of impersonal emails canceling stuff/ splitting accounts, etc). Last week "unfriended" him on FB (our last channel). He evidently reinstated me on his gchat two days ago and I blocked that sh*t faster than lightning.

I was in BAD shape after DDay. WS quickly became unremorseful and aggressive to the point i thought he was cracking up. We had been talking about kids and I was about to start a job in the office with WS and OW and had to quit-- and this was a prestigious position that took me something like 10 years to earn-- so I was facing tons of loss. Thankfully I had family friends who are therapists, so I was on the phone with them almost daily. Shopped around and found a therapist I really love and have been seeing him 1-2 a week. My family and friends have been AMAZING. Like, "it's a wonderful life" amazing. For the first month, I don't think I had one meal alone. Found a new job (not as prestigious, but decent). I would say that I have bad days and okay days at this point... But I still usually cry once a day.

Recently I've begun to handle thinking back to the period of the A (started in 2/13 according to him) and I've been piecing together the extent of the betrayal. It's bad. He was bringing her back to the house and our bed when I wasn't home. I knew they were friends, but I'm realizing now he talked about her WAY too much. Those "alerts" on his phone? Those were her texts. You get the idea. On DDay#1 he told me they were "mutually using" each other and he "cared" about her and her kid, but she was the one who was getting emotionally attached. He claimed if I hadn't wanted to R he would have kept seeing her to "punish himself"... But she wasn't someone he would have normally ever dated. Even after DDay #2, *after* I told him I wanted NC, he kept crying, telling me that he wasn't trying to replace me with her and that he was sorry this seemed like such a rejection.

At the same time, during our false R he was barely making it through NC with her. He would go for these long walks and call me crying. He didn't want to talk to me anymore because it was taking a toll on him. Why couldn't he just take her out to dinner just to talk? He also told me on DDay #2 that he might consider dating her formally "6mos from now."

I'm fairly convinced now that this was a full EA in addition to a PA. Maybe even an ILY A (I got the ILYBNILWY talk on DDay #2). I keep having nightmares he calls me to tell me they moved in together and he's in love. This morning I realized that when we were in Boston during the bombing in April and he kept going on his phone "to tell people at work that I'm okay" it was probably for her benefit. I told him on DDay #2 that he could contact me when I got back from a business trip in the first week of July. I had all of these fantasies that he would stay in IC and call me when I landed to tell me he was ready to do whatever it takes for R. Of course that didn't happen. I'm pretty sure I DID get replaced.

There were three weeks between DDay #1 and my request for full NC between us. I think we only had a total of 5 or 6 conversations or something like that. It was that quick. Really no time for any kind of "closure." So when I realize something like what "really" happened after the Boston bombing, it's sort of like TT. And the longer this NC goes on, each time I realize exactly what a chump he made of me, I get more and more pissed off, I guess. Not that I'm angry entirely (I mean, I am, but I'm not raging). I think I'm just sort of a combo of: My internal monologue for the last two months has been "OMG, I can't do this." Now it's turning into "OMG, I do NOT need this." When I do an internal gut check, I REALLY don't want to talk to him again. And my actions seem to bear this out... When I unfriended him, I felt great. No regrets. When I Gchat blocked him, I felt like I managed to deactivate a weapon before it went off. I suppose I would like to know he's sorry or has regrets ... or that the karma bus has nailed him in some way... but I even think I would trade that in for just never seeing/hearing from him again at this point. And I'm no longer seeing this as the world's greatest loss. It was stupid and a waste-- we were happy and a perfect match and should have been together forever-- but I know that, deep down, I am not cut out to be the A police. It's funny... If he had been remorseful on DDay (or even that month after), I totally would have stayed. Now I'm thinking that would have been a knee-jerk, emotional decision and it probably wouldn't have worked, ultimately.

This all has to be a product of NC, right? NC is the darkest hell but, damn, if you get through that hell... It starts to work.

We have too many shared colleagues and friends for me not to hear something about him. We still have too many loose ends for me not to probably need to speak to him at some point. I could wake up tomorrow morning and be a wreck again. But I guess I'm just pleased to feel something other than crippling sorrow.

So I guess this is just a post to affirm that 180/NC does eventually give you some perspective. It does get you on your feet. It doesn't take away pain. It doesn't solve your problems (I have a lot of rebuilding of my life and myself to do).... But it does help you eventually remember that your #1 concern needs to be yourself, your family and those people around you who care about you enough to help you feel safe and pick you up. And your WS isn't a helpful participant in any of that.

[This message edited by PhantomLimb at 9:37 AM, July 25th (Thursday)]

SBB posted 7/25/2013 10:01 AM

I love this my friend. You are so right.

NC / 180 really does work. How many of us have felt in a daze, confused, scared - overwhelmed? I felt it when he turned his back on me straight after DD and I still felt it when I allowed myself to be hoovered back in 8 weeks later.

Pressure to do the right thing, make the right decision, work out what I felt, what I wanted... all of that hit me like a freight train and I couldn't work out which way was up.

NC/180 gave me the space and some quiet so I could hear my own inner voice.

There are peaks and dips on this damned rollercoaster - in between all of that shit you get these lovely little epiphanies.

The clarity at that moment is so very beautiful.

There's a line in a book about that feeling when you wake from a dream and the details of it flutter away from you like butterflies.

That is how my healing has been.

Peaks and dips, moments of clarity.

During the dips I used to try so hard to remember the bliss of the peaks, the beauty of the clarity but the memories fluttered away like butterflies - the burning flame of my pain wouldn't let me get back to those moments.

Almost 18m out from DD and the butterflies don't flutter away anymore. I'm still hurting, still grieving. But I'm OK. So much more OK than I was even a year prior to DD.

Work on stopping others telling you things about him. Where there's a will there's a way. These triggers are sneaky - they hit when you least expect it and from the most unlikeliest tidbits of information.

I think you're awesome PL. During your peaks and your dips. You've so got this.


[This message edited by StrongButBroken at 10:02 AM, July 25th (Thursday)]

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