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Running the Race posted 7/25/2013 09:48 AM

This week my 12 year old who has been very quiet about the entire divorce broke down. The kids were at my house (3), all acting strange.
I hadn't seen the kids in about 3 days( they were with my xwife mom), I noticed they were hyper and also struggling to get along and were not listening to me.
I sat my daughter down first, she started to talk, cried a little, then started to play and be better with my youngest son.
That's when I isolated my 12 year old and asked him what he was feeling. He broke down for about 45 mins into an uncontrollable cry. That had parts of anger(hitting his pillow) then more tears.
I let him talk and always reasurred him I love him and his mom does too. He said he was ok after a while and we all slept in my room(kids all over the floor)
My big issue is how hard this is for my kids, but this has set me into an emotional tailspin myself, I feel myself regretting the divorce and feeling like a failure in life. As if any chances of happiness in life are unattainable.
I know I need to be strong for my kids, but I feel spineless, seeing my ex makes me emotional and depressed (and I must see her for reasons with my kids).
Has anyone gone through and made it to the last strange of the process? Acceptance? If so, how did you get through things like dealing with the kids, seeing your ex with someone else, feeling ok alone, etc.?
Btw: I told my ex about he encounter with the kids, her response was she didn't understand why they never talk to her about it.

[This message edited by Running the Race at 9:55 AM, July 25th (Thursday)]

SBB posted 7/25/2013 12:07 PM

Surely you must know this but I'm going to say it anyway.

You are not a failure. You are not spineless. Strong doesn't mean not having feelings.

You are grieving friend. On top of that grieving you are also dealing with the most heartbreaking aspect of this for all of us. The pain of your children.

I've been through this very recently (and will likely go through it again) but I've not once regretted S/D. My regret is for ever having met him, for having had children with him. I'm angry at myself for choosing so poorly.

None of this is helpful thinking for either of us but its really common.

I suggest you have a look at a book often suggested here "Journey from Abandonment to Healing". I've only read the first few parts so far as there's a lot to process. So far it looks like it may give me insight into my extreme reaction here.

Has anyone gone through and made it to the last strange of the process? Acceptance? If so, how did you get through things like dealing with the kids, seeing your ex with someone else, feeling ok alone, etc.?

seeing my ex makes me emotional and depressed (and I must see her for reasons with my kids).

My girls are little. 4.5 and almost 2 when I separated. We have 50/50 and I have arranged it so all handovers are via daycare/school so I don't have to see him. This has been instrumental in helping me detach. It has helped my healing along.

Is there any way you can reduce how much you need to interact with her? IMHO we don't do our kids any service when we harm ourselves for their good. Give yourself some space. Don't wait until it gets so bad you can't stand it before you start making these changes.

For me NC was/is the biggest factor. Not just NC with him but everything about him. I won't let anyone tell me things about him.

The acceptance part was enormously painful. I still cringe when I think about it. This had actually happened. I am now a single mum. My girls are being shuttled around like prized beef. I'm going to miss out on 50% of their lives.

I didn't want to accept it. What's weird is I didn't want him either. Basically a lose-lose situation.

The next part was surrender. I was terrified. I've had children I can't afford on my own. I felt so betrayed on so many levels I found it hard to breathe sometimes. Then he was bringing his 24 y/o whore into my precious girls lives 20 weeks after S.

I thought I would die from the rage/fury/pain/hurt... I don't know what it was. I was AOK with him being with someone else but the thought of them around my children? I was in a black fiery pit of despair.

Then I stood back and realised there was not a single thing I could do about it. I couldn't control or influence what kind of father he is and I would drive myself crazy and bring a whole bunch of drama to my life that I simply did not want.

So - I surrendered. OK. This IS happening. There's nothing I can do.

Do you still feel in limbo? Are you in IC? Have you seen your Doctor?

((Running the Race)) I'm choking on this shit sandwich with you. Your kids will be OK in the long run as long as you are OK. They'll hurt, they'll grow up faster than we want them to, they'll face things we never ever wanted them to face. It kills me inside too but eating ourselves alive about isn't going to help them.

Work on healing you friend. Do what you need to do to give you time and space to grieve this. Its not just time that heals (it does help) it is what you do with that time.

((Running the Race))

nowiknow23 posted 7/25/2013 15:51 PM

(((((Running))))) It is so good that your kids felt safe enough to open up to you. Keep nurturing that connection. You may also want to consider counseling for them. This is a huge thing in their lives, but it doesn't have to destroy them. Help them build the tools and skills to process their emotions and reactions in a healthy way, and you will be setting them on a path for a healthy life.

Running the Race posted 7/25/2013 16:33 PM

Thank you both for the replies, SBB: I am in IC, have been since this started. I actually just got out of a session an hour ago talking about this. Thanks for the advice, Ill check out your book recommendation, surrendering is so difficult to do.
Nowiknow23: I will ask about counseling for him, it's sad to think of my 12 year old needing counseling (never wanted him to hurt like this), but there is nothing I wouldn't do to help them through this mess. Thanks.

caregiver9000 posted 7/25/2013 17:05 PM

(((Running)))

I had to stop sharing the struggles of the children with my ex. He saw it as shaming him, began to insist that they keep things that happened at his house secret, and gave them a hard time for "getting him in trouble."

A selfish parent who considers how the child's tears make THEM feel cannot help the child.

The fact that she is unaware means the children don't trust her enough to share those feelings or that she is unable to see how her actions have hurt the children.

I think it is great that you can address these things with your children. They obviously feel safe with you.

traicionada posted 7/25/2013 19:32 PM

Running,
I'm not a parent so I would never claim to understand what parents go through but I run a community health center with a very active mental health program so the one thing that truly breaks my heart is when a parent refuses to seek out the services the child really needs because they're paralyzed by their own feelings so please get the kids a neutral safe person to talk to. Sending you & your kids happy vibes

CheaterMagnet posted 7/25/2013 21:56 PM

RTR,

Lots of us have gotten to the acceptance stage and beyond. I'm on my second rodeo here with a different WH, but I DID get through it the first time with the sperm donor for my kids (I can't call him a father because he is incapable of being one).

It was so hard. The hardest thing I've ever survived. But I did. I can honestly say that I have no feelings for him at all. No more love. No more longing for what could have been. Nothing. Just acceptance of what never was. What he never was. What we never were. I see him with someone else and I feel sorry for HER. Because she doesn't know that he will break her heart before it's all over. That there won't be a happy ending for her either. Just lies and pain and then he will walk away and on to the next.

Meanwhile, I had a life. I had friends. I had my kids. We all survived the shitstorm he left in his wake.

My kids are grown now. They figured out their sperm donor all on their own. I didn't have to tell them anything. They saw it and lived it themselves over the years. They are healthy. They are happy. I would even say my DD is thriving. My DS has Asperger's Syndrome so his life is a little more unsettled. Both have residual damage from Pigfucker, but they are healing. We are all becoming whole again.

You can do this. I promise you.

Running the Race posted 7/26/2013 10:06 AM

Thankyou all for the replies.