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adiben posted 7/25/2013 10:01 AM

This May, my husband went to France and had an affair with one of the co-workers there. She was assigned to be his gopher, be sure he has his lunches prepared, deliver towels and keys and fans to his apartment there.
As time goes on, her position will
She is a member of the administrative staff of the Training program that he is hired to work in and would be going there twice a year.

I later realized that she was present when he worked in Lyon in 2010 and 2012.
Although he claims they never went that far, they were traipsing around town, wining and dining as so called friends.

When he returned there this spring, they became intimate.

While home, I sensed something was going on and confronted him via phone.
He denied it. When he returned home and I confronted him, he was busted.

We've been going thru hell for 3 months He is still calling this affair a slip, when I now know that you cannot have an ongoing slip thats been going on for 3 years.

Here is my question.
I want so much for us to get past this affair thru much talk and counseling.
However, its hard for me to feel safe knowing that my husband has been contracted to return back to France next spring and perhaps take over this program which means he'd be there twice a year.
Since this girl is part of the staff, she WILL be present when he returns.
This job will bring a lot of income to our future.
However it could destroy our marriage.
He says he is done with her.
He will no longer socialize with her.
He will keep it professional.
No lunches, no dinners, no walks. Thats how it started.

However she is s husband steeler. How can I trust my husband with her manipulations?
If he is there often, things are bound to break down.

Do I have the right to ask him to quit this position
He says I can go with him, but I do not want to be put in this position of being the keeper of the gate.

I feel that no matter what happens, we are screwed.
If he goes with out .
If he goes with me.
If he quits this position.
It all feels there is no winning here.

My heart is so broken.
Please help me with this dilemma.

cancuncrushed posted 7/25/2013 10:21 AM

This is very similiar to my situation. Ow was in marketing, basically had same responsibilities as you mentioned. Lunches, dinners, drinks, also. I could not bare it. I just could not. Its hard enough to climb this A mountain, without them being together 8 to 5. I became PTSD. I left for a short while. I came back when it was agreed she would be terminated. And she was. Now my H insists I travel with him, when he visits her city. Its a trigger, and I never have a good time. But it would be worse if they were alone and the possibilities are endless in my head. Now, I am actually tired of babysitting him. But the situation is still there. She now works and lives where he has meetings. Across the street even. We did what we had to. But its still uncomfortable. We go two times in the next month. We could see her at any time. I cant believe she was fired, moved to another city, and she is still so near. ANd also stays in contact w H's coworkers.

adiben posted 7/25/2013 10:24 AM

Thank you. Fortunately my husband is not working with this person on a daily basis. She lives in France. He will see her every spring and they will work closely. I really want him to quit this position and not go back, but its got to come from him.

cancuncrushed posted 7/25/2013 10:32 AM

I would like to mention, the fear you addressed. How can you feel comfortable? You will never feel comfortable. You can never feel comfortable with her. My fear? After all this terrible fighting, they caused, will every woman look more appealing? No baggage. I hate that this A they chose, makes me look so unappealing as a wife. The fighting. The rage. The crying. Yeah, Im pretty.

BeyondBreaking posted 7/25/2013 10:39 AM

For me, there would be two solutions I would be okay with. Eight I was going with him, or, if that was not an option, he would not be going.

There is absolutely no way I would be able to trust him ever again, with that woman in a foreign country. He can find another job, he can take a pay cut, he can do whatever he has to do...but there is no way that would work for me.

adiben posted 7/25/2013 10:49 AM

So what do I do? Initiate the idea of him not going to France, stuff an idea in his head as I always do? Offering counseling, books, self help stuff.

Make suggestions he not go to France? I hate the word should, but shouldn't HE be offering this solution? He doesn't go back for 8 months. Lets give the dufous time to get his head out of his ass. Lets see if he wakes the F up.

adiben posted 7/25/2013 10:50 AM

Beyondbreaking....I am so sorry you've been betrayed so many times. This is my first in terms of cheating. I've had plenty of betrayals. But still, you are one hell of a trooper woman. Dont give up in love. But at this point, I think I will buy another Yorkie and forget men.

cancuncrushed posted 7/25/2013 10:52 AM

boundaries. Tell him its not an option for you. ANd he needs to make a choice. It sounds scary and final, but he really needs to make a work choice. I could not do it. What ever the outcome was, I could not do it.

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