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Newest Member: 2ndtimernd (45746)

User Topic: Depressed rant on 25th anniversary and anti-versary
Blobette
♀ 36519
Member # 36519
Default  Posted: 10:33 AM, July 25th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

So my 25th anniversary is coming up on Sat. DD was Aug 1, but the period leading up to it was a strange, strange time, including our anniversary meal, where WH was behaving in a detached, odd way. I have a strong memory of him asking me what I’d do if I found out he was having an affair. (I told him I’d cut his balls off… but really, I’d probably top myself.) He claims to have zero memory of this. So that whole time period is just tinged with all kinds of feelings for me.

Prior to DD we (yes, WH too) had talked a lot about having a big party for our 25th anniversary. Even after DD, WH seemed to think this was still an option, had discussed getting me a new ring, etc. No, not gonna happen.

I still have a rock in my heart. I hear him tell me how much he loves me, and I just don’t feel it. I can take no comfort from him, and it really pains me. I hold him and remember how I used to just go “ahh” when I sniffed him and held him. But it’s not there anymore.

Intellectually, I know we’re on a good path. We switched to a different MC recently (due to logistical reasons – we loved the old one, too), and he seems so confident that we can rebuild – asked us if we believe in “basherts”. (Yiddish word for soulmate). My WH is so much more engaged with his IC now, and I know he’s working hard on the empathy thing; he accepts it’s an issue and he’s striving to overcome it. He’s really done anything it’s reasonable to ask him to do, although of course he’s not perfect. Meanwhile, I’ve just lost energy and am just getting by. I’ve got a lot of stress at work, too, and need to focus, so that helps justify just not dealing with anything right now. Gotta keep stable and pump out the work!

In IC, we have talked a lot about how I learned to cut people out of my heart early on, given my abusive dad and clueless mother. I learned not to expect anything from anyone. My parents literally ceased to hurt me – I just viewed them from afar as just being who they are, no impact on me, although I still feel a strong sense of obligation to be a “good daughter”. I am very good at putting up walls. To this day, I avoid saying ILY to my mom, because I wouldn’t mean it. (My dad died at the end of May.) This has now been transferred onto WH.

For the anniversary, we have booked a night in a nice hotel nearby – have a sitter from 3pm Sat to 3pm Sun so we can spend some quality time. I’ve told him that this weekend will be hard for me. I just hope it’s not a disaster. God knows I WANT to be happy. What I would give to feel truly optimistic and in a good place about all of this. I haven’t bought a card or gift or anything for WH… I know I SHOULD, but once again, I don’t feel it.

I hate this place I’m in.

[This message edited by Blobette at 10:34 AM, July 25th (Thursday)]


BS (me): 50
WS: 50
Married: 26 yrs
Kids: 2
OW: Co-worker, 7 yr LTA
DD 8/1/2012, Working on R

Posts: 1061 | Registered: Aug 2012
LosferWords
♂ 30369
Member # 30369
Default  Posted: 11:11 AM, July 25th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

(((Blobette)))

Posts: 8009 | Registered: Dec 2010
Guttedagain
♀ 39126
Member # 39126
Default  Posted: 11:30 AM, July 25th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I know how you feel. My 25th anniversary is fast approaching. I'm trying not to think sbout it but know I'm going to have to x


BS me 46
WS him 49
Married almost 25 yrs, together almost 30
2 DD 18 & 13
Dday #1 14/4/13
TT until Dday #2 28/4/13
Living one day at a time

Posts: 56 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: UK
blakesteele
♂ 38044
Member # 38044
Default  Posted: 11:32 AM, July 25th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

(((blobette)))

My DD is within 1 week of our wedding anniversary...I can relate.

I also can relate to that detached feeling you had last year before you knew about your husbands infidelity. I felt this too. And, like you, I never thought that an affair would be the main driver for this. In fact, I enlisted the help of a counselor for the first time in my life during that period.

I went because I had such serious anxiety that it was affecting my life and family. While some anxiety was a part of my world on its own, a bulk of the extreme feeling was connected to my wifes affair and her (ability, desire, choice?) to disconnect from me...a disconnection that happened before the A really even started...its just that once the A started I feel a full disconnect was chosen by my wife...and this was the threshold that got me off-center and contacting a counselor.

I see this now...didnt at the time.

During this process I have come to realize that my unreasonably high anxiety issues are actually a STRENGTH of mine...and they are a strength for you too. it is proof positive that we possess the ability to unvail the charade that our spouses worked so hard at creating and maintaining. The reason we did not use our anxiety in the way that it was given to us was that we, ourselves, never even considered an A to be an option for our spouses.

Now that we are aware of this we will easily detect if our fWS's choose to "cope" with life in a similar destructive fashion in the future.

It is odd to see anxiety as a "gift"...but if it is managed in a constructive, honest way (and not an obsessive one) it is a gift. It gives us another tool from which to accept and work through lifes trials....and by that I mean a tool to DETECT that there really is an issue present. make sense?

Intellectually and emotionally....ahhhh, to get the two in rythm again. That is a goal of mine as well.

Dont have any insight on how to fully do this yet but, given the two choices it is my feeling that the intellectual truths are a wiser choice then the emotional truths. A third choice is to do nothing, of course.

I have come to this conclusion from many different "growth opportunities" (ie. pain...my internal pain and witnessing the pain within my wife).

If my wife had chosen the intellectual truth that she took vows to me and chose to honor that intellectual truth vs chose to ignore that intellectual truth and chose the emotional truth of the moment we would not be struggling with her A.

We might very well be struggling with a troubled marriage...and all that goes with that...but would not be struggling with the A.

To put it on me....If I had chosen the intellectual truth that part of my vows to my wife was to "honor and protect" her instead of the emotional truth that I had a right to hurt her for hurting me, we would not be having to work through the hurts of what I said and did to her following my discovery of her A...mean and hateful things that hurt her and made her feel vulnerable. Actions that are the opposite of what my vows intellectually told me to do.

I can sense your impatience...your wondering "is this really going to be my life forever?" feeling...I have had them too.

Another thing this trial has taught me...change is inevitable. For a while, my experience with change is it was always getting worse...thank you trickle truth. But now I see it reversing...maybe it is really reversing, maybe it is that my perspective is changing and the way I react to change is getting healthier.

Like I said...I havent got this figured out yet....but I am willing and able to figure more out at this time. I sense you are too.

Hang in there!

God be with you.

[This message edited by blakesteele at 1:37 PM, July 25th (Thursday)]


ME: 42 BH, I don't PM female members
SHE: 38 EA
Married: 15 years
Together: 17 years
D/Day 9-10-12
NC: 10-25-12
NC: Broken early November 2012, OM not respond
2 girls; 7 and 10
Fear is payments on debts you have not

Posts: 4041 | Registered: Jan 2013 | From: Central Missouri
crossroads2010
♀ 30213
Member # 30213
Default  Posted: 11:36 AM, July 25th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

((blobette))

On my 30th aniversary... Oct,2009...I was 4 weeks past dday. WH was still in a fog, but we were headed toward R. He was ot of town for a business trip, sent me flowers and returned the day after and we went out to eat. Two weeks later I found out he was with her on our aniversary...took her out to the same place and spent the night with her....no aniversaries are never the same...esecially when you connect them with the A. You have to find something different.


Posts: 618 | Registered: Nov 2010
ItsaClimb
♀ 37107
Member # 37107
Default  Posted: 1:38 PM, July 25th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Oh Blobette, my heart aches for you because I know exactly how you are feeling. I can relate to so much in your post. Our D-Days are so close and my 25th anniversary is also fast approaching (January). I never, ever expected that on my 25th anniversary I would be in the situation I now find myself in...

I still have a rock in my heart. I hear him tell me how much he loves me, and I just don’t feel it. I can take no comfort from him, and it really pains me. I hold him and remember how I used to just go “ahh” when I sniffed him and held him. But it’s not there anymore.

^^^ I feel exactly the same way. I am hoping with time it will change and those "loving feelings" will re-emerge.

God knows I WANT to be happy. What I would give to feel truly optimistic and in a good place about all of this.

And this ^^ I had a discussion with fWH about this very thing this evening. I so badly WANT us to be happy again, I would give anything to put this behind me and be in a happy, secure marriage... it's just not that easy. Again, I am hoping that with time and a lot of work on both our parts we can get there.

I will be sending good thoughts your way on Sat. I hope that you have a lovely night away together and that you can rekindle some of those loving feelings. {hugs}


BS 46
Together 29 yrs, M 25 years
2 daughters 24yo(married with a brand new little daughter) & 19yo
D-Day 18 Aug 2012
6mth EA lead to 4mth PA with CO-W. I found out 8 1/2 yrs later

Posts: 1024 | Registered: Oct 2012
Blobette
♀ 36519
Member # 36519
Default  Posted: 2:45 PM, July 25th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thanks so much everyone for your kind thoughts. I know there's nothing to be done about this but to persevere and let time and persistent effort do its magic (I hope). But, man, this is not a fun place to be.

I suppose one of the benefits is that I'm more understanding -- I can now "get" why people might take drugs or drink to get rid of the pain, something that I've never been able to relate to before. I think we all become more compassionate, especially after reading the pain on this site (and, to give credit to some of the Waywards, reading about their journeys.)

[This message edited by Blobette at 8:49 PM, July 25th (Thursday)]


BS (me): 50
WS: 50
Married: 26 yrs
Kids: 2
OW: Co-worker, 7 yr LTA
DD 8/1/2012, Working on R

Posts: 1061 | Registered: Aug 2012
blakesteele
♂ 38044
Member # 38044
Default  Posted: 8:32 PM, July 25th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Well stated Blobette....there is real pain and turmoil on both sides of adultery.

I also see how people could use alcohol and drugs to escape...but those are just more bad coping mechanisms...don't think any of us need MORE challenges right now...give it a few years...then it will be our turn to reek havoc!


ME: 42 BH, I don't PM female members
SHE: 38 EA
Married: 15 years
Together: 17 years
D/Day 9-10-12
NC: 10-25-12
NC: Broken early November 2012, OM not respond
2 girls; 7 and 10
Fear is payments on debts you have not

Posts: 4041 | Registered: Jan 2013 | From: Central Missouri
Blobette
♀ 36519
Member # 36519
Default  Posted: 8:52 PM, July 25th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

HA! One poster on here has as her tag line, "wine - the OTHER fruit juice" and I have to say that my wine intake has increased considerably! I used to be a social drinker only, and now I really look forward to a glass a night, on my own or with WH. Oh, what sad people we are! (Get out the tiny violins!)


BS (me): 50
WS: 50
Married: 26 yrs
Kids: 2
OW: Co-worker, 7 yr LTA
DD 8/1/2012, Working on R

Posts: 1061 | Registered: Aug 2012
Topic Posts: 9

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