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Newest Member: meepsy (46028)

User Topic: boys. I'm at a loss
unfound
♀ 12802
Member # 12802
Default  Posted: 11:14 AM, July 25th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

boys. they're a mystery to me. always have been. having never been around boys growing up (no brothers, cousins etc...) I don't understand how they operate. it's been learn as I go as the unfoundling boys have grown up .

the young years were fun. I could get into the dirt, rough tumble, pew pew pew, pre testosterone years. honestly, it made me wish I would have had a brother growing up.

but now... now the teen years (almost 16 and 17) .

what used to be my fun loving, mommy kisses cure anything, sweet boys have been showing bouts of moodiness and general butthole-iness.

with dd, we got lucky. she didn't turn into a teenager until she was over 20 and out of the house. during her actual teen years there was of course typical teen drama and attitudes, but she would cry, vent, talk about it then be over it. an easy formula to follow.

boys are different. yes?

out of nowhere they get moody, stoic and/or pissy. I have NO idea why. they don't talk. I've tried. they used to, but now it seems I'm no longer a confidant, but a big ole interloping momma that knows nothing. I assure them that I'm here for them and get eye rolls in return when they're in that mode... what gives???

they're not misbehaving or breaking rules of the house/family, they're just .... ugh. I'd be more concerned if it was just one of them, but both??

they're, for the most part, still my silly sweet boys.. but when they're not, I'm not sure how to deal with them, or if I need to at all because this is "normal".

maybe it's my own perimenopausal hormone hide and seek? not quite sure what I'm asking other than is this par for the course for teen boys?


ka-mai
*******************
From time to time, I do consider that I might be mad. Like any self-respecting lunatic, however, I am always quick to dismiss any doubts about my sanity. DK

Posts: 14877 | Registered: Nov 2006 | From: mercury's underboob
Sad in AZ
♀ 24239
Member # 24239
Default  Posted: 11:36 AM, July 25th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

In my experience, it's really, really normal. I only had one, and he was a dream child, but around 15-16 it got a bit dicey. Yes, he was moody and uncommunicative. However, he did have outlets in that he was friendly with other adults (whom we knew very well); he would confide in them, knowing that they would tell us if it was something important. This worked well.

I wouldn't sweat it too much; boys recover a lot better than girls (just judging from my teenage years--I was also a dream but my sister--oy!) Unless it's something life threatening or criminal, I would just benignly ignore them-sort of a modified 180. I find that boys need validation from their moms, even if they are adamant that they don't want it.


Hallelujah! Holy shit! Where's the tylenol?

Posts: 20550 | Registered: Jun 2009 | From: Upstate NY
ajsmom
♀ 17460
Member # 17460
Default  Posted: 11:40 AM, July 25th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Yep.

It's the boy's cycle. AJ was the same exact way.

I often would ask myself what happened to the kid who didn't care who was near me when he kissed me? Oh, and the old "I KNOW, MOM!" statements. Totally exasperating, for sure.

About all I can offer you is that they come back around, and you'll be getting "Mommy?" out of them before you know it.

Boys + Moms = Agape Love.

AJ's MOM


Fidelity isn't a feeling...it's a choice.

"Truth has no special time of its own. Its hour is now - always." - Albert Schweitzer
____________________________________________
Me: BW - Him: 200+ # tumor removed 7/09
DS - 31 - Yikes!


Posts: 21117 | Registered: Dec 2007 | From: Been Through Hell...On My Way Back
lieshurt
♀ 14003
Member # 14003
Default  Posted: 11:40 AM, July 25th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

<---- Mother of a 16 yo boy


I feel your pain....trust me....I really, really do.


A relationship without trust is like a car without gas. You can stay in it all you want, but it won't go anywhere.

Posts: 13879 | Registered: Mar 2007 | From: Houston
metamorphisis
♀ 12041
Member # 12041
Default  Posted: 11:46 AM, July 25th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Yup... I have brothers and its very very normal. Oh and my husband. To this day I have to just leave it until he's ready to talk. I used to pull and prod and plead and cajole ..nada. But then I learned sometimes even HE doesn't know what it is so it's pointless to push. I'll get the answer.. in a few days . That lesson took me a decade. And really..it's so foreign to me because I will talk out anything at all. I need to. I just do. So I don't get it.

And when a teenage boy says "I need to talk about something" you freeze because it's like spotting the dodo bird and you don't want to scare it off. Teenage girls.. feral cats. They'll swipe at you before they run. But teenage boys might actually disappear if you don't handle the conversation *just.so*.

I have zero answers for you. My work here is done.



“We don't see things as they are; we see them as we are.”... Anais Nin

Posts: 45390 | Registered: Sep 2006
Must Survive
♀ 34533
Member # 34533
Default  Posted: 11:51 AM, July 25th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My 16 DS is also less communicative. I have tried to lesson the actual "talking time" to just needed to check in with him. I also get the bit of a raised voice when he is annoyed with me. While I don't enjoy it, there are other moments where I see the young man he will grow into. Based on IC, this is the age that they need to disengage from us, and it can be hard for them too. They just don't know that they are doing it.


Me BS
WS: Just a squished bug on the window of my life!
Divorcing, STBXH is engaged/living with OW#3

They have a choice: they can live in my new world, or they can die in their old one." — Daenerys Targaryen


Posts: 833 | Registered: Jan 2012 | From: Must Survive
MissesJai
♀ 24849
Member # 24849
Default  Posted: 11:52 AM, July 25th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

mother of an 18 yo boy - I too feel your pain


FWW - 41
"Don't think first about the risks of speaking up. Think first about the risks of not speaking up." ~ Kerry Patterson

Posts: 6042 | Registered: Jul 2009 | From: So Cal.....
lieshurt
♀ 14003
Member # 14003
Default  Posted: 12:03 PM, July 25th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

And when a teenage boy says "I need to talk about something" you freeze because it's like spotting the dodo bird and you don't want to scare it off.

Amen to that

If my son says this, I stop anything and everything I'm doing (even dying my hair) to listen to him because I know it's a very rare occurrence.


A relationship without trust is like a car without gas. You can stay in it all you want, but it won't go anywhere.

Posts: 13879 | Registered: Mar 2007 | From: Houston
whatdoto
♀ 28555
Member # 28555
Default  Posted: 12:10 PM, July 25th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Right there with ya.

DS29 as a teenager was horrible. Rude mouth and the attitude to go with it.

DS15 pissy, moody, stoic. But, I do still get occasional hugs, kisses and ILY's. He's not a goner yet.

I see him around his high school football friends and he's all puffed up macho man and I'm a mere peasant.

It'll get better, really.



"If your ideal image of yourself is in the future, it's going to stay there".

Posts: 1187 | Registered: May 2010 | From: Texas
EvenKeel
♀ 24210
Member # 24210
Default  Posted: 12:10 PM, July 25th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I have learned they only seem to ever talk on 'their' terms.

If I try to ask how school/work/whatever was, I get a grunt that may or may not contain any vowels....or even worse - totally ignorance.

However, once in a blue moon - he will be chatty. All of a sudden it is like "AHA - there is my son"....then poof....gone....back to the grunting boy.

Sighhhhhhh


Eyes are useless if the mind is blind.


Posts: 2274 | Registered: May 2009 | From: Pa
Tred
♂ 34086
Member # 34086
Default  Posted: 12:26 PM, July 25th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

As a former teenage boy, and dad to a 15yo, I'll let you in on an inside secret...it's perfectly normal. Watch them around other boys of the same age - that's where your little boy went, it's just now he is most comfortable with others that are going through the same hormonal changes he is. It's a confusing time for a boy, becoming a man. Starting to grow facial hair, changes in the body, odder dreams, starting to think about becoming an adult, school is getting real. It's just a phase for most - it's the ones who don't come out of it by 25 or so you have to worry about. Those are the ones the neighbors on the 6 o'clock news describe as "he was always such a quiet boy...".


Married: 17 years (14 @JFO)
D-Day: 11/09/11
"Ohhhhh...shut up Tred!" - NOT the official SI motto (DS)

Posts: 4128 | Registered: Dec 2011
unfound
♀ 12802
Member # 12802
Default  Posted: 12:28 PM, July 25th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

thanks all. nice to know it's normal.

I can see that oh shit look on their faces when I get them corralled in a meaningful conversation. they've mapped out all the closest exits and can maneuver out of it like a lab rat conditioned to push the cocaine button at the end of a maze.

guess I can put out of mind the idea of secretly putting my hormone cream on them while they sleep... that's all I need, moody boys that don't know why they have a need to watch secrets of the ya ya sisterhood.


ka-mai
*******************
From time to time, I do consider that I might be mad. Like any self-respecting lunatic, however, I am always quick to dismiss any doubts about my sanity. DK

Posts: 14877 | Registered: Nov 2006 | From: mercury's underboob
peacelovetea
♀ 26071
Member # 26071
Default  Posted: 12:48 PM, July 25th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Try doing something together while you talk. So that you are washing the car, or driving, or playing a game or something. That way they don't have to JUST talk or look at you while they are doing it.


BW, SAHM
D-Day: 6/5/09, drunken ONS on business trip, confessed immediately, transparent, remorseful but emotionally clueless
M 11 years, 3 kids
4/12 Tried to R for 3 years, have decided to D
12/31/12 D final

Posts: 542 | Registered: Nov 2009 | From: PacNW
sisoon
♂ 31240
Member # 31240
Default  Posted: 1:01 PM, July 25th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

What in heaven's name does a 15-18 year old boy have to say to his mom? And what could she possibly say to him that would help? Just askin'....

(signed) sisoon, who may have some more growing up to do


fBH (me) - 70 (22 in my head), fWW (plainsong) - 65+, Married 45+, together since 1965
DDay - 12/22/2010
Recover'd and R'ed
I share my own experience because it's the only experience I know, not because I'm a good model.

Posts: 10755 | Registered: Feb 2011 | From: Chicago area
unfound
♀ 12802
Member # 12802
Default  Posted: 1:23 PM, July 25th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

What in heaven's name does a 15-18 year old boy have to say to his mom?

that's just it sisoon... I don't know what it is that throws them into that moody state. I worry.

And what could she possibly say to him that would help?

don't know. but at least I'd be relieved that it wasn't anything earth shattering (where a parent needed to intervene) and that I could assure them that what they're going through was normal.

like I said, I don't know about teen boys and how they work on the inside. maybe they don't need my shoulder or ear, but if that's normal, then I'm good with that.


ka-mai
*******************
From time to time, I do consider that I might be mad. Like any self-respecting lunatic, however, I am always quick to dismiss any doubts about my sanity. DK

Posts: 14877 | Registered: Nov 2006 | From: mercury's underboob
ExposedNiblet
♀ 30803
Member # 30803
Default  Posted: 1:39 PM, July 25th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

<------- mother of DS14 and DS16.

I totally understand.

Hang in there...this has to end eventually.

(doesn't it?)


Divorced
Me ($39.95 plus S & H)
DS1(17), DS2(15)

Enjoying this chapter in my life.
Learning that being alone does not mean being lonely.
Discovering that where I've been is not as important as where I'm going.


Posts: 355 | Registered: Jan 2011 | From: Right Here, Canada
Cally60
♀ 23437
Member # 23437
Default  Posted: 1:43 PM, July 25th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Try doing something together while you talk. So that you are washing the car, or driving, or playing a game or something. That way they don't have to JUST talk or look at you while they are doing it.

Haha - I, too, was going to recommend exactly this! In my experience, it really helps if the focus is ostensibly on something other than all that frightening airy-fairy emotional/feelings stuff.

Oh and I would also recommend the 'Zits' comic strip. :-)

http://www.arcamax.com/thefunnies/zits/s-1358892

[This message edited by Cally60 at 1:49 PM, July 25th (Thursday)]


Posts: 2206 | Registered: Mar 2009
EvenKeel
♀ 24210
Member # 24210
Default  Posted: 1:58 PM, July 25th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

And what could she possibly say to him that would help?

WHAT???? You mean he was not faking being flabbergasted when I said it was important to know how to put on a condom correctly and I could buy some bananas and condoms if he wanted me to show him????

If I want to say something that NEEDS to be heard, I always make sure he is a captive audience. As in, we are in the car and I am driving. They may APPEAR not to be listening but they are.


Eyes are useless if the mind is blind.


Posts: 2274 | Registered: May 2009 | From: Pa
scaredyKat
♀ 25560
Member # 25560
Default  Posted: 6:19 PM, July 25th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

If I want to say something that NEEDS to be heard, I always make sure he is a captive audience. As in, we are in the car and I am driving. They may APPEAR not to be listening but they are.

I can relate to this, but I adore boys, God was right not to give me girls, I would have had NO idea what to do with their hair...

Mine were polar opposites in all ways. DS#1 was moody and non-communicative. "Fine" was his go to word. He would occasionally seek me out at odd hours and I would make sure I was available. DS#2 argued with me about absolutely EVERYTHING. I am still unsure how I/we survived his upbringing. We bonded over the adoption of 2 stray cats.

And yes, I did the whole condom/banana/RESPECT FOR WOMEN speech at the kitchen table to a captive audience. They were mortified.

Early days, I brought home anatomically correct dolls, because DS#2 wanted to know why ladies have to sit down when they pee. He was convinced that ladies must have their penis in the back. I used that opportunity to inform both of them. He also used to ask me questions in wonderfully embarrassing places, like, the mall, as we were walking past the ladies lingerie. "Mom, why does my penis get really hard when we are walking past this part of the store, and what should I do about it?" DS#1 was mortified...I told him he was perfectly normal and he should ask his father...

Boys.

Despite some rocky days, both are amazing men, loving and smart. I am supremely grateful for both of them.

[This message edited by scaredyKat at 6:21 PM, July 25th (Thursday)]


Me-BS-60
HIM-SAFWH-63
Damn autocorrect is responsible for the silly errors, sorry!

Posts: 3861 | Registered: Sep 2009 | From: In my head
cocoabean
76
Member # 76
Happy  Posted: 6:38 PM, July 25th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hang in there. They all go through this.

My 22 year old called last night and talked for 48 minutes. I was trying to meet a deadline and really didn't have time to talk. I just had to remind myself of the teen years when he had nothing to say


“There are only two types of women - goddesses and doormats”
*Pablo Picasso*

"I am a goddess"
*Cocoabean*


Posts: 1638 | Registered: Jun 2002
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