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Confused: Moving on or not thinking straight?

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2married2quit posted 7/25/2013 11:19 AM

Sometimes I get these thoughts that I should heal, win back my wife to create security and when all is well, drop her like a fly and walk out of my marriage. I can't help these thoughts. Sometimes I think it's survival, other times I think it's revenge? Other times I delete the thought from my head.

What could it be? Should I follow my heart that says win back your wife or my head that says walk the F' out. Or is it the other way around? Confused. :(

Deeply Scared posted 7/25/2013 11:57 AM

2married2quit...

I know in the early days, MH shared a lot of those types of thoughts with me. I think it helps voicing them out because it helps solidify how dedicated your W is to helping rebuild trust.

It gives her an opportunity to fight for you and show you that she's truly devoted to you and your healing.

Try talking to her...you maybe pleasantly surprised

2married2quit posted 7/25/2013 12:22 PM

Deeply Scared - I'm scared of her pulling back. She already feels worthless. It's a bad thought, I can't express it.

Deeply Scared posted 7/25/2013 12:30 PM

Feeling worthless goes hand in hand of being a WS, trust me on that one.

I really encourage you both to start talking honestly about your feelings. Turn to eachother...not away. It's all so very hard and emotional in the beginning, but working through it together is what will help to start and strengthen your bond.

I'm really sorry this is happening right now...take things one day at a time.

Rebreather posted 7/25/2013 12:35 PM

You cannot and should not protect her from the reality of her actions. She must face them.

And you know that a healthy recovery includes the wayward winning back the betrayed. Not the other way around.

Lonelygirl10 posted 7/25/2013 12:43 PM

She already feels worthless. It's a bad thought, I can't express it.

I understand how you feel. I have a lot of thoughts that I don't share, because I know he feels worthless. It's hard, because I want to comfort him. But then I'm also angry. I would love to hear how other BS's deal with this.

2married2quit posted 7/26/2013 08:54 AM

I guess I should tell her but this will turn her away from me :(

sisoon posted 7/26/2013 10:15 AM

I, too, think feeling worthless is part of being a remorseful WS and probably part of being an unremorseful WS, too.

BUT - BUT - BUT - it's a problem only your W can fix for herself. You can't fix it for her.
**************************

Let me see if I understand - you want to 'win' her back, let her feel secure, and then drop her, perhaps so she feels the pain you did/do? That sounds like a desire for revenge, which seems normal for a BS. (Remember, thinking and wishing are a lot different than doing.)

R is a process in which you each heal yourselves, and together you heal your M by creating the M you both want. It's not one winning the other; it's both coming together.

Note: It's possible you're hearing your inner voice telling you to split, but I don't think that's what's going on. If it were, I believe your thoughts would focus on you leaving, not on hurting your W.

2married2quit posted 7/30/2013 12:35 PM

It's not about revenge. Remember I said "when I feel secure" not her. Perhaps in the depth of my unconsciousness it is revenge? I wouldn't like to think of it that way. I just don't want to hurt more or ever again.

crazyblindsided posted 7/30/2013 17:03 PM

I get it. I have fantasized often about serving my WH with D papers on DDay, but I know that is not what I want. For a while after DDay my anger was to keep punishing him for what he did to me. I stopped letting my anger control me when it was becoming unhealthy for me.

I think it is normal to have these thoughts, while it may be unpleasant for the WS to hear, wasn't it unpleasant for us to hear that our WS had an A?

When my WH knew I had exit plans after his A he was shocked. My WH said that he had not even imagined his life without me, yet that is all I could think of after DDay was how to protect myself and the kids.

When I have days like these I tend to seclude myself and really try to just feel everything and then try to let it go. Sometimes the pain comes so intensely it is unbearable, I believe it is at these times that we just want to end the misery. Then as days pass the happiness returns and I am content again with R and with my WH. I just think it is all part of the process. R is not easy, it's the one thing that has remained true.

ArableSands posted 7/30/2013 17:17 PM

And you know that a healthy recovery includes the wayward winning back the betrayed. Not the other way around.

I am having so much trouble with this. WS is so angry still from the years of shit I poured on her, the controlling and domineering. Her remorse seems heavily muted, It hasn't even been a full month yet from DDay, mind you.

Do WS go through huge mood swings too?

kiki1 posted 7/30/2013 17:28 PM

2m2q

Your thoughts are much like any of the rest of us, upon occasion, while riding this rollar coaster. They go up and down, back and forth.

Not unusual at all.

Why do you feel as if you have to "win" back your wife though? I only ask as I have felt sometimes in my own situation that I may have been trying to "win" back what i had lost and am curious as to what you meant.


I like how sisoon put it "its not about winning, its about coming together". Wouldnt that be a beautiful way to r?

You know, 2m2m, it would be a good idea to express your doubts to your w. I'm only guessing, but your thoughts sound like an expression of pain.

Gently, is it possible you want her to feel the same pain she inflicted on you? Not an unusual thought for some of us. I've felt it.

Your there for a reason, hang in there (())

kiki1 posted 7/30/2013 17:30 PM

2m2q

Your thoughts are much like any of the rest of us, upon occasion, while riding this rollar coaster. They go up and down, back and forth.

Not unusual at all.

Why do you feel as if you have to "win" back your wife though? I only ask as I have felt sometimes in my own situation that I may have been trying to "win" back what i had lost and am curious as to what you meant.

I like how sisoon put it "its not about winning, its about coming together". Wouldnt that be a beautiful way to r?

You know, 2m2m, it would be a good idea to express your doubts to your w. I'm only guessing, but your thoughts sound like an expression of pain.

Gently, is it possible you want her to feel the same pain she inflicted on you? Not an unusual thought for some of us. I've felt it.

Your there for a reason, hang in there (())

crazyblindsided posted 7/30/2013 17:34 PM

I am having so much trouble with this. WS is so angry still from the years of shit I poured on her, the controlling and domineering. Her remorse seems heavily muted, It hasn't even been a full month yet from DDay, mind you.

Do WS go through huge mood swings too?

Yeah unfortunately because of the A that takes precedence over all other M problems pre-A. After A problems are dealt with then pre-M problems can be worked on, until then the WS should be moving mountains and earth to stay with the BS. Really the effort my WS has been putting in is the only thing that has kept me here. If he had not decided to win me back I was done.

[This message edited by crazyblindsided at 5:35 PM, July 30th (Tuesday)]

2married2quit posted 7/31/2013 14:35 PM

Why do you feel as if you have to "win" back your wife though? I only ask as I have felt sometimes in my own situation that I may have been trying to "win" back what i had lost and am curious as to what you meant.

I like how sisoon put it "its not about winning, its about coming together". Wouldnt that be a beautiful way to r?

Maybe it's my huge insecurity due to the A, but I feel like she gave up on me based on issues prior to A and the A just confirmed it. Also her not being "in love" with me anymore so it does feel like I have to win her back. That's if I want the M to work.

I too agree with Sisoon. And yes, she's making the effort however she is a rug sweeper. Sometimes I do understand that cause when you've F'd up BIG TIME, the last thing you want to do is ponder on it daily. This was so unlike her but now she's got 2 damaged marriages and a head full of guilt.

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