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180 question- help!

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Chloe1997 posted 7/25/2013 12:34 PM

Hey all,

I can't believe how much the 180 is working. I really do think so much more clearly and am not standing for the manipulation. Haven't had a hysterical crying jag all week, playing with my little girl again and able to focus on school.

All that said how do I respond to his lame ass attempts to connect with me? He says he is not engaging with her but he is also not agreeing to NC I.e. he will send back one word to her longs texts, he doesn't call her but takes her calls. It's just not good enough for me so I told him when he was able to cut her off completely we could talk R until then not interested.

Anyway he texted me today, "hello, hope you have a nice day"

WTF? Do you think I should acknowledge his effort (lame as it is!) or ignore?

hard_yards posted 7/25/2013 12:48 PM

Hi chloe1997, you're doing great honey...

Ignore.... kids and finances only, no chit chat, no "have a nice day"..

The truth is, unless he's all in, you're all out, there might be a chance of nice days if he goes NC and devotes all his energy to you.

Until then, if he has any form of contact with her, he hasn't let her go, and you're still having to share him. Not acceptable.

Hugs honey, stick to the 180, you'll feel better for it.

bionicgal posted 7/25/2013 12:50 PM

I agree. . . He needs to be all in. NC is non-negotiable. He is hoping to have his cake and eat it too.

caregiver9000 posted 7/25/2013 13:27 PM


If you acknowledge his lame attempt, then he will tell himself that you are fine, he's a nice guy, and everything between you is "friendly." His lame attempt is about him, not about you and your nice day.

You sound like you are doing great with the 180. Keep on being strong!

Skan posted 7/25/2013 13:32 PM

There's a term we use, when a BS tries to get us to break our 180 or NC by fishing attempts like "Have a nice day," etc. It's crickets. As in let there be no sound but the sound of crickets churping in the background. No communication back let him hear nothing but crickets.

So, give him crickets. The sound of silence.

Chloe1997 posted 7/25/2013 13:48 PM

That's kind of what I thought but just needed a nudge! The worst part is when I first saw the text I was happy cause he never does that and I thought it was nice that he was thinking of me. It's like all of a sudden he remembers I exist, just doesn't care enough to really try to make it work. 180 all the way! Thanks as always :)

Lucky posted 7/25/2013 13:57 PM

The truth is, unless he's all in, you're all out

Exactly! You're doing great! There isn't anything easy about any of this trauma.

He's probably confused that you aren't praising his lame attempts at NC with OW, any form of contact, even eye, is not ok, he won't get it until your hard 180 hits him & hits him hard.

Have you set any boundaries? Such as "ANY contact with OW & you may find yourself looking to live elsewhere!"
Or warn him you are very willing to file & do it if you have to, it doesn't mean you have to follow through with an actual divorce. It's amazing how many WS's snap out of the affair fog when they realize they are about to lose everything!

Good luck, you're doing great!

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