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180 question- help!

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 Chloe1997 (original poster new member #39840) posted at 6:34 PM on Thursday, July 25th, 2013

Hey all,

I can't believe how much the 180 is working. I really do think so much more clearly and am not standing for the manipulation. Haven't had a hysterical crying jag all week, playing with my little girl again and able to focus on school.

All that said how do I respond to his lame ass attempts to connect with me? He says he is not engaging with her but he is also not agreeing to NC I.e. he will send back one word to her longs texts, he doesn't call her but takes her calls. It's just not good enough for me so I told him when he was able to cut her off completely we could talk R until then not interested.

Anyway he texted me today, "hello, hope you have a nice day"

WTF? Do you think I should acknowledge his effort (lame as it is!) or ignore?

Me-34
WH- 35
Married 7 years (together 16 yrs)
DD- toddler
D-Day June 23, 2013

posts: 16   ·   registered: Jul. 16th, 2013   ·   location: Nyc
id 6420888
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hard_yards ( member #23549) posted at 6:48 PM on Thursday, July 25th, 2013

Hi chloe1997, you're doing great honey...

Ignore.... kids and finances only, no chit chat, no "have a nice day"..

The truth is, unless he's all in, you're all out, there might be a chance of nice days if he goes NC and devotes all his energy to you.

Until then, if he has any form of contact with her, he hasn't let her go, and you're still having to share him. Not acceptable.

Hugs honey, stick to the 180, you'll feel better for it.


I feel like I'm in a parallel universe... everything looks the same... but something's just not right...

posts: 1383   ·   registered: Apr. 8th, 2009
id 6420919
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bionicgal ( member #39803) posted at 6:50 PM on Thursday, July 25th, 2013

I agree. . . He needs to be all in. NC is non-negotiable. He is hoping to have his cake and eat it too.

me - BS (45) - DDay - June 2013
A was 2+ months, EA/PA
In MC & Reconciling
"Getting over a painful experience is much like crossing monkey bars. You have to let go at some point to move forward." -- C.S. Lewis.

posts: 3521   ·   registered: Jul. 11th, 2013   ·   location: USA
id 6420924
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caregiver9000 ( member #28622) posted at 7:27 PM on Thursday, July 25th, 2013

Ignore!!

If you acknowledge his lame attempt, then he will tell himself that you are fine, he's a nice guy, and everything between you is "friendly." His lame attempt is about him, not about you and your nice day.

You sound like you are doing great with the 180. Keep on being strong!

Me: fortysomething, independent, happy,
XH "Stretch" (and Skew!) ;)
two kids, teens. Old enough I am truly NO CONTACT w/ NPD zebraduck
S 5/2010
D 12/2012

posts: 7063   ·   registered: May. 27th, 2010   ·   location: a better place
id 6421007
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Skan ( member #35812) posted at 7:32 PM on Thursday, July 25th, 2013

There's a term we use, when a BS tries to get us to break our 180 or NC by fishing attempts like "Have a nice day," etc. It's crickets. As in let there be no sound but the sound of crickets churping in the background. No communication back let him hear nothing but crickets.

So, give him crickets. The sound of silence.

Imagine a ship trying to set sail while towing an anchor. Cutting free is not a gift to the anchor. You must release that burden, not because the anchor is worthy, but because the ship is.

D-Day, June 10, 2012


posts: 11513   ·   registered: Jun. 11th, 2012   ·   location: So California
id 6421021
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 Chloe1997 (original poster new member #39840) posted at 7:48 PM on Thursday, July 25th, 2013

That's kind of what I thought but just needed a nudge! The worst part is when I first saw the text I was happy cause he never does that and I thought it was nice that he was thinking of me. It's like all of a sudden he remembers I exist, just doesn't care enough to really try to make it work. 180 all the way! Thanks as always :)

Me-34
WH- 35
Married 7 years (together 16 yrs)
DD- toddler
D-Day June 23, 2013

posts: 16   ·   registered: Jul. 16th, 2013   ·   location: Nyc
id 6421060
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Lucky ( member #6864) posted at 7:57 PM on Thursday, July 25th, 2013

The truth is, unless he's all in, you're all out

Exactly! You're doing great! There isn't anything easy about any of this trauma.

He's probably confused that you aren't praising his lame attempts at NC with OW, any form of contact, even eye, is not ok, he won't get it until your hard 180 hits him & hits him hard.

Have you set any boundaries? Such as "ANY contact with OW & you may find yourself looking to live elsewhere!"

Or warn him you are very willing to file & do it if you have to, it doesn't mean you have to follow through with an actual divorce. It's amazing how many WS's snap out of the affair fog when they realize they are about to lose everything!

Good luck, you're doing great!

♥ WINE - the other fruit juice! ♥



posts: 36162   ·   registered: Apr. 11th, 2005
id 6421073
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