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Newest Member: Nala87 (61091)

User Topic: Letting go of the Anger
♀ 39987
Member # 39987
Angry  Posted: 2:01 PM, July 25th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

When I first found out I was numb - I thought I was just being strong and taking the high road. Telling myself that if I gave in to yelling, screaming, crying, etc it wouldn't do either of us any good if we wanted to work through this muck.
It took 2 weeks before I finally broke down and cried my eyes out and now I'm back to my overly emotional self. I waffle back and forth between being so angry I could punch him for hurting me so much or just wanting to cry and cry until there's nothing left.
How do you start to let go of these overwhelming emotions so you can make sense of things? it's been 2 months and I still feel like I'm spinning out of control.

Me - 40
WH - 42
Married 18 years
kids - 14, 12
DD - May 13, 2013
DD2 - Aug 4, 2013
DD3 - Aug 27, 2013
Status - Legally separated; really wanted R but don't think that is possible anymore

Posts: 103 | Registered: Jul 2013 | From: Southern Indiana
♀ 38341
Member # 38341
Default  Posted: 2:05 PM, July 25th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Oh how I wish I had an answer for you. The anger was horrid. Be angry, it's ok. I picked up yoga after I realized smashing vases wasn't productive.

Also, gently, it's been 2 months. 2 months in I couldn't even tell you what day it was. Give yourself a break. Do something nice or try to do one little thing each day. You will make it.

Hang in there.

Just call me Heart. :)
"If you tell the truth, you don't have to remember anything" ~Mark Twain

Posts: 379 | Registered: Feb 2013 | From: St. Louis
♀ 39551
Member # 39551
Default  Posted: 2:28 PM, July 25th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hey! Your post reminded me - I haven't had any in a couple weeks!

All that walking/running, pounding on things and writing nasty letters and emailing them to my trash bin instead of WH and OP must be working! I haven't done any of those things this week OR last week!

I'll still be ready for it though. Instead of my roller coaster going up and down all day long the curves/hills seem to be spreading out and getting longer. This must be a very long up. I'm still suspicious and waiting for the down.

Posts: 557 | Registered: Jun 2013
♂ 36622
Member # 36622
Default  Posted: 2:32 PM, July 25th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I found the emotions had to run their course through me. They had to let go of me. I couldn't let go of them. The more I struggled to get out the tighter they got.

But in the mean time I could take care of myself, I could work on my self, I could watch and acknowledge the work that my fWS was doing, we could work on our relationship.

BS 42
fWS 38 (SurprisinglyOkay)
A whole bunch of shit that got a lot worse before it got better.
"Knowing is half the battle"

Posts: 2859 | Registered: Aug 2012
♂ 36317
Member # 36317
Default  Posted: 2:35 PM, July 25th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

You have to feel it, process it and then let it go. There really is no other way to do it healthily.

You need to find more productive avenues for your extreme emotions, which admittedly is difficult. At 2 months out I felt like a raving lunatic. As I'm sure you've heard the process of recovery is much like a roller coaster. Your emotions are going to vacillate fairly frequently for a long time. For months after D-Day I went from rage to despair to nothing at all on a seemingly daily basis.

I'd say for myself I started having a fairly consistent emotional state after about 8/9 months. And that was primarily "I'm fucking sad, but life's getting better." At 15 (had to check since I don't keep track anymore) months out I'm in a better place. Not where I want to eventually be, but in a good enough place to be content.

As early as you are, I'm sorry to say you're going to deal with this for quite some time. Stuffing the feelings or forcing yourself to feel a certain way aren't good.

Find methods that work for you regarding the feelings. Exercise, a hobby, journaling, posting on here, etc. It does get better, but it's a matter of time and effort.

Me: 30 ~ Her (FR2012): 29
Together: 11 years, 2 children
D-Day 1: April 19, 2012, D-Day 2: September 13, 2015

Surrender to the truth of life.

Posts: 470 | Registered: Jul 2012 | From: Traversing Dark Places With The Light of Truth
♂ 38044
Member # 38044
Default  Posted: 3:02 PM, July 25th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

2 months out...neither my wife or I had any clarity at all...that is normal.

I like swimming, waves and current analogies when it comes to feeling and experiencing bear with me here.

Try to lay on your back and "float" if you can. Feel your emotions under you...Don't let them come over the top of you, dont try to dive down into them...there are too many currents and it will make you feel as if you are drowning.

Concentrate on the sun above. Some days it will be too bright to do even that...on those days close your eyes and concentrate on your breathing. Some days you open your eyes as far as you can and see no Sun at all...concentrate on your breathing again. This is is NOT a sign that you are somehow failing or that things are getting worse, neither of those two thoughts are correct or accurate.

By doing this you will, at a more manageable pace, slowly take in more and more of your world and the ocean you have been forced into will be less overwhelming.

Doing the above in conjunction with time passing will let you feel and work through some of the surface level feelings that lap at your back....the waters will calm. As they calm you will be able to dive deeper.

It will start as a brief snorkling expedition...then you will dive under the water but with your snorkel gear on....then you will be in a position to put on tanks and dive deeper....and deeper.

It is a process. Be patient and take comfort in this.

No one gets right in and fixes this...Lord knows I have tried.

God be with you.

[This message edited by blakesteele at 3:10 PM, July 25th (Thursday)]

ME: 42 BH, I don't PM female members
SHE: 38 EA
Married: 15 years
Together: 17 years
D/Day 9-10-12
NC: 10-25-12
NC: Broken early November 2012, OM not respond
2 girls; 7 and 10
Fear is payments on debts you have not yet incurred.

Posts: 5800 | Registered: Jan 2013 | From: Central Missouri
♀ 38384
Member # 38384
Default  Posted: 3:03 PM, July 25th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

((Phoenix9572)) At two months out the wound is still raw. Then it begins to scab and then it bleeds again and so on. This is a process and R is not linear.

At two months out....I sabotaged Valentines Day. I was exhausted by then but still had more in me. I could not deny the work H was doing to help me heal. I started to join in too. I read, went to IC and MC and did things for me like going to the gym and contributing to SI.

The more remorse and effort my H showed, the less anger I felt. Grant it. I have exploded twice in the last two months - the last time was two nights ago.

Take care of you.

Me: 44
He: 47 WH
Married: 15 years
D Day: December 2012
Affair: Fall 2009 - Dec. 2011
R is not linear

Posts: 3439 | Registered: Feb 2013 | From: Canada, eh
♂ 38103
Member # 38103
Default  Posted: 3:10 PM, July 25th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Totally agree with others here. My MC gave me suggestions for getting past moments of anger/depression. But I finally decided to just wade in and let it run it's course. I stopped beating myself up for those moments. If I am feeling down, I play a certain play list. Time of anger I hope on the bike or a short fast run. Punching bag works well also.

So that means some days you will feel like crawling into bed and staying there - fine. Luckily WW has understood those moments and takes care of the kids.

It's a catch phrase, but really works - you cannot get over the pain, you get through it.

Me: BH, 44
Her: WW, 43
D day. January 12, 2013

Posts: 724 | Registered: Jan 2013 | From: Socal
♀ 38116
Member # 38116
Default  Posted: 5:54 PM, July 25th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Ahhh newly out.

Let yourself feel EVERYTHING. You are in for a roller coaster. You will feel every emotion you can think of. It's OK and normal.

I did many things I am ashamed of. But I felt it. Let it come naturally.

The betrayal is PTSD. No one can understand unless they have been there too.

BS - 32
DDay 1: July 2012 - EA with COW
DDay 2: March 2015; same COW

Fool me once, shame on you.
Fool me twice, pack your shit and get out.

Fool me twice, now what?!?!

Posts: 397 | Registered: Jan 2013
♀ 32214
Member # 32214
Default  Posted: 6:04 PM, July 25th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Good question. My "anger stage" set in probably about three months in. Before that I was numb and mostly crying and blaming myself.
Then when the anger came, it was white hot and my WH got blistered many a time. I am amazed that he stayed.

His lifelong pattern was to leave if we ever got into a row. We fought VERY rarely during our marriage, but in the two years after DDAy, boy did we make up for that. The rage is finally under control. I get mad sometimes when I think about stuff, but not that uncontrollable rage.
It just takes a lot of time. Keep posting here and rant all that you want in the JFO forum.

Me - BS
Him - FWS
DD - December 14, 2010
Married 43 years 1/14/2011
Affair lasted 7+ years
Affair had been over for 2 years before I found out. OW sent me a letter.

Posts: 1373 | Registered: May 2011 | From: Kansas
♀ 35215
Member # 35215
Default  Posted: 6:10 PM, July 25th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I hate to say it but even being 16 months out, I still get anger sometimes and I still cry often (about every other day). I am still processing it and I am not sure when the processing ends unfortunately.

What has helped me is my closest friends, family, co-workers, IC and psychiatrist, my medications, reading infidelity books and of course my fav SI

(((Phoenix9572))) give yourself all the time you need to grieve.

BS/FWS (me):43 Madhatter
WS/BS:46 Serial Cheater
Together 20 years, Married 15
DD(13) DS(10)
DDay(s) Too many to count
False R 7/11/14 Same OW2
"Never seek validation from those who are unworthy."

Posts: 4040 | Registered: Apr 2012 | From: California
♂ 39830
Member # 39830
Default  Posted: 6:12 PM, July 25th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'm only three weeks in. It's almost ENTIRELY been anger for me, punctuated by moments of crying until I'm dehydrated. I mean furious, core-of-the-sun-hot anger.

Oddly, the last few days the edge to the anger seems to be gone. I'm still angry, but I mostly feel pain now. I spend a lot of time thinking about the betrayal and processing the feelings. I don't know where I'll be tomorrow, but I understand that people process different emotions at different rates.

Posts: 224 | Registered: Jul 2013 | From: Vancouver, Canada
♀ 38263
Member # 38263
Default  Posted: 6:12 PM, July 25th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Feel it.
All of it.
It makes for some seriously sh**ty days/weeks...even months...but for me, that was my only way to get through it all.
"Rigorous Honesty" was what I demanded from the day the bomb of my WH's infidelity came to light, and I don't regret it, even though on many days to brought me to my knees.
I am currently in month 6 since DDay, and I am just now, in the last weeks, having stretches of time where I don't trigger or flash daily.
Get a good therapist. Make sure you have EVERY SINGLE parameter you need to feel safe in your relationship,discussed and agreed upon by both of you.
Take charge, it gives you a feeling you need after betrayal.
Lay down the law.
Good luck, be gentle and kind to you!!

I choose to thrive. I choose to be happy.

That which doesn't kill me makes me stronger...but damn, aren't I strong enough yet???

Posts: 71 | Registered: Jan 2013
Topic Posts: 13

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