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After catching a man in bed with my wife, things have been spiraling downward. I am will to try and rebuild our marriage and my wife says she is also. What I don't understand is that the counselor we are seeing told her that she has to be willing, open, and honest, when I ask my questions. He also warned her, there are going to be a lot of questions because he (myself)must establish that you (my wife)are capable of being trusted again. Oddly enough, my wife is the one that is upset all the time. If I talk to her about anything she just gets mad and says "I am taking the boys and leaving". Why do I still feel this is all my fault? I know it sounds nuts, especially typing it here! How do I know she really will stop seeing her boyfriend? We have been married 13 years, 3 boys. She has been seeing this guy longer than she has even known me. After all these problems my wife took me to her church and three benches (or whatever they are called) is the man I seen her in bed with, sitting there with his wife and 4 boys. How is it possible to go to church, sit there like you're holy, when you're having adulterous sex with a man 3 seats in front of you, and he is with his wife and kids????? As mentioned before, I am perfectly willing to try to make this marriage work, she says she wants to, says she'll never cheat on me again, but she promised when we exchanged vows she wouldn't cheat on me so I know what her promises are worth. Am I insane to even try to work this out? How do I know she really wants to fix this, especially when I still am not allowed to look at her facebook page, her cell phone, I am not allowed to know what her email address is, see what is in her purse, and not see what the balance is in her personal bank account. If anyone here can offer me even a little sliver of help, I would greatly appreciate it. I am hearing she wants to fix this but I am not seeing it. The other problem is that everything she does now is suspicious to me. I know it's not fair to her but it has been only 3 weeks. Sure wish I had some way of knowing. Never felt so helpless in all my life!

Wait. Put the goddamn brakes on RIGHT THE HELL THERE.

The other problem is that everything she does now is suspicious to me. I know it's not fair to her but it has been only 3 weeks.

CW, she cheated on you for years and you can't trust her three weeks after you find out and you think it's not fair to HER?!?!

Brother, I'm trying to be gentle, but for CHRISSAKES STOP. SHE is the one who betrayed your trust, SHE is the one who has treated you and your family with no regard, and SHE IS AN ADULTERER. Take THAT to your church and see what your pastor and the congregation thinks.

It doesn't matter WHAT happened in your marriage -- her path if she is unhappy is to either fix it or divorce. CHEATING IS NOT ACCEPTABLE EVER.

Stay strong, CW. We're pulling for you.

She's saying she wants to fix it, but her actions:

I still am not allowed to look at her facebook page, her cell phone, I am not allowed to know what her email address is, see what is in her purse, and not see what the balance is in her personal bank account.

Are telling a VERY different story.

You're in counseling - that's great - but have you also talked to a lawyer about your rights? I don't think she should be able to just take your children and leave.

Sounds like your WW is still seeing the OM.

You need to set boundries.
No Contact with the OM. PERIOD !!

She needs to be transparent.
You need to see her cell phone, facebook page, back account and anything else you can think of.

If she won't let you see these things then she's hiding alot.
If your WW has a problem with that, she's not really interested in R.

Also, it's time to out the A.
The OM's BW needs to know what's been going on for years behind her back.

[This message edited by toomanyregrets at 3:31 PM, July 25th (Thursday)]

Trust your gut.

if you are wrong it'll sort itself out later.

I wish someone told me long ago - trust your gut.

If it doesn't feel right then it isn't right.

You'll know when you know.

If you are SO unsure of yourself and SO much more concerned with her instead of you at this point I would REALLY recommend IC. I would still be where you are without it.

Also the healing library's 180 thingamajig - excellent stuff.

1) Do some reading on 'co-dependence'. It might be relevant to your sitch. I believe the book Codependent No More is a good place to start.

2) Delve deeply into the Healing Library (link's in yellow box, upper left of SI pages). Start with the BS FAQs. Be sure to read about the 180 and see if it fits for you.

3) Consider IC for yourself. Right now it seems like you're trying to spend your energy in understanding what's going on an wondering about the future. A much better bet would be to separate yourself emotionally from your W and face the grief, rage, and fear you feel directly.

You heal yourself. Your W heals herself. Together you heal your M, if that's what both of you decide to do.

The feelings are really hard to deal with - IC can help.

4) Have you outed the A to om's W? to the Church? Bringing the A out into the open also brings it out of the fantasy world the A lives in. Tell om's W that om is cheating.

5) Demand that your W get tested for STDs now and in 6 and 12 months. If she's uninfected, I would skip getting myself tested, but a lot of people I respect here say you need to get tested yourself, whether she tests OK or not.

6) One thing you should get from the Healing Library is that you can't love a WS back into the M. You MUST set and enforce boundaries.

To R, the WS must be committed to doing the work necessary to R. That includes, in virtually ALL cases, 1) establishing NC with the ap; 2) answering questions honestly and fully whne they are asked; 3) keeping the BS informed or whereabouts, activities, and companions at virtually all times; 4) IC to change the thoughts and feelings that allowed the WS to cheat; 5) MC if both partners deem it appropriate; 6) special requirements that differ for each individual (for example, my W has to initiate sex sometimes, and she has to arrange dates at least 2-3 times a month.)

Your W sounds unremorseful, since she's apparently still in contact with om, since she doesn't answer our questions, and since she still keeps FB, email, etc. out of bounds for you. She's not a candidate for R right now, no matter what she says.

That's why the 180 is probably for you. The 180 helps you find your strengths again, helps you see you're a loving, lovable, capable man who can live without her, and helps you set boundaries.

Those boundaries are your requirements for R. You can observe if she meets them or not and respond as appropriate.

There's no way to guarantee a perfect life, but the longer she meets the requirements, the more likely it is that she'll continue to meet them, and your trust level will increase - but give it years.

My W started doing the work of R on D-day, and she never wavered. Even so, after 31 months, our MC says my continued mistrust makes perfect sense.

But if her A predates your relationship, and if she cheated with a married man while she was single, your W sounds like a mess. He recovery will probably take an especially long time and be very difficult for both of you. Do you really want to stay with her?

[This message edited by sisoon at 4:48 PM, July 25th (Thursday)]

I agree you should learn your legal rights especially concerning whether she can even take the boys out of the marital home. Make sure you never leave the home yourself until you find out if it can affect your custody rights and child support obligations.

In my no fault state the fact that your wife is an adulterer would lessen her rights to make carte blanche decisions as the judges look at the true welfare of the children and "equitable" distribution doesn't always mean "equal". And if she brought the affair into your home that gives you even more clout in the judge's mind in my state.

So you have more power than you may think in this situation if you care to exercise it?

For me the only way reconciliation would be possible were if there is full transparency, no communication/no contact and that my spouse is helping me to heal and putting my needs in front of his own during the healing period.

Sometimes WS don't get their role and responsbility in the new post affair world. They are still caught up in their sense of entitlement mindsight. My husband and I are reading the book "Not Just Friends" (Shirley Glass) and this has helped him to see what his role should be to help us get through this.

One more thing, and this is going to hurt:
Since this A has been going on for so long, it might be in your best interest to have a DNA test done on your kids.

[This message edited by toomanyregrets at 4:58 PM, July 26th (Friday)]