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Williesmom posted 7/25/2013 15:07 PM

Last night, they guy I've been seeing and I were texting. I said that I took off today because I had to be in the city early for a doctor appointment.

He said "you never share personal shit with me.".

I didn't tell him sooner because it was a doctor appointment to get a wart removed from my finger. Such a non- issue for me.

Did I do something wrong? Methinks that he has some unresolved trust issues from a past relationship.

We're going to talk about it tonight, but I'm just not sure how to approach this. I don't want it to turn into a larger argument about my inability to open up.

He's a counselor, and always seems to know when I'm holding back. I like to think before I speak, so our discussions are very thoughtful and productive.

Crescita posted 7/25/2013 15:17 PM

Where is "never" coming from? That is a really inflammatory word. I wouldn't call a routine doctor visit personal, but in the absence of any other sharing, maybe not mentioning it in advance would be more alarming and his mind might go to you being ill.

Amazonia posted 7/25/2013 15:19 PM

I don't want it to turn into a larger argument about my inability to open up.

I think this is where it's coming from.

I would clarify that you didn't even think of this as a personal thing, since it's just a wart, not cancer or something.

EvenKeel posted 7/25/2013 15:45 PM

How long have you been seeing him?

If it has been a little while, maybe he just thought you were at the point of sharing day-to-day stuff (even though it was no biggie).

better4me posted 7/25/2013 16:25 PM

Perhaps when the discussion turns to the topic you could say something like "I'm learning how to do this as we go along. I'm working at sharing more personal stuff with you. I hope you will be patient with me."

You've identified the problem. Owned your piece of it. Used "I" language. Started the conversation softly. All the things counselors like to hear! And headed the argument off at the pass hopefully!

[This message edited by better4me at 4:26 PM, July 25th (Thursday)]

cayc posted 7/25/2013 17:09 PM

Imho you aren''t hiding things/are not deliberately not forthcoming. Instead, you''ve lived your life for years taking care of everything so it never even really occurs to you to share stuff like this.

I too am not forthcoming about things like this because, well, I don''t want to be. I don''t particuarly want to display myself in that way. It''s not trust per se. I really think it comes down more to that I''ve never had to answer to anyone really since I left home at 18. I don''t have kids. I didn''t marry until I was 35. The person I married was never home so ... it doesn''t occur to me to tell, or I feel like I might be censored in some way if I tell (whether or not I actually think the other person will do it, I''m purely speaking about my instinctual feeling).

The way I''ve tended to handle it though if it comes to pass that I say something is to say, I''ve got a dermotologist appointment, routine checkup, annual exam, no big deal. Mani/pedis/waxing/hair/extracurricular shopping gets lumped under "I''m going to be doing some girly stuff this afternoon". So far every guy I''ve know understands what I mean by "girly stuff".

Still though, I know which guy you''re talking about and I don''t like how he''s always pressuring you to be more like him/what he''s used to/what his family is. Maybe his way is better, but you are you and if he''s going to like you, then he has to take you the way you are. And if he wants you to be open with him on "personal shit" like this, then the inflamatory "you never" has absolutely positively got to be axed from his vocabularly with you.

[This message edited by cayc at 5:09 PM, July 25th, 2013 (Thursday)]

caregiver9000 posted 7/25/2013 17:10 PM

I guess it could be an exclamation of pleased surprise that you DID share something this time, which you have typically not done and he is noting a change in your dynamic???????

That is why text is so hard. I would NOT like to be chastised in text though. If that is his tone, I would have been done with the conversation. And I would point out that upon sharing, to get slapped down for the timing of it, will not increase sharing in the future!!!

Yea, I am feeling all open and loving and generous with my personal stuff now!

InnerLight posted 7/25/2013 17:21 PM

I agree never is an inflammatory word. 'You never!' 'You always!' Something else is going on in a person, some kind of resentment when these words are used. Maybe he can open up as to why he's so upset about this. You don't have to defend or explain yourself, you don't have to ask for his patience.

Have a discussion where you really listen to him. Ask him where this kind of statement is coming from him. Let him talk. Share how you feel. You know those statements like 'When you say that I never share I feel anxious or I feel defensive, or I feel worried.'

Treat the discussion as emotional information gathering and notice how it feels to have this kind of sharing. You don't have decide anything as a result of the discussion right now. Let it sit. If you want you can share ideas on how to talk to eachother that will feel better for both of you.

Being able to have a healthy discussion about stuff where you are both listened to and acknowledged, where you both can express your feelings with out judgments or accusations - this is what creates the foundation for a real relationship to grow.

Good luck!

Williesmom posted 7/25/2013 18:26 PM

I've been seeing him for about 6 months. Yep, the never/ always thing is a hot button for me.

I just feel that I'm an adult, an I don't feel like I need to report to anyone whe I'm going to the city for a dr. Visit.

On the flip side, I'm over an hour from the city .... So a trip to the city means that something is very wrong. There just don't happen to be any dermatologists in my little town.

Can't wait to talk about our "feelings" tonight.

ItsNotUitsMe posted 7/25/2013 19:01 PM

Because of the "never" word, I assume this is not about your Dr appt at all but something else you didn't share with him and this gave him a segue to bring it up.

I am an over sharer and SO is an under sharer. When I find out something he has done after the fact, that if I was in the same position would tell him, I do sometimes feel like he is being secretive and intentionally not telling me something and it can make me feel insecure (a very rare occurrence for me, so it's extra uncomfortable)

Currently going through a "situation" caused by this dynamic right now. I'm trying to communicate to avoid a blow up about it and talked yesterday. I'm not completely at ease with the explanation of why he didn't tell me something. Not sure what will make it better for me. My only advice is to be honest. In my sitch, the explanation doesn't make sense to me, so I'm not quite over it yet. And I even think he is a little annoyed at me for bringing it up. But FWIW your explanation sounds perfectly reasonable.

fireproof posted 7/26/2013 08:04 AM

Two things about your post:

It is in my opinion accusatory. Never is a strong word. He could have easily said if you need anything let me know. Or if he wanted to know ask what is the appointment for? (Still up to you to share). Something is behind his statement whether it has to do with you or a past experience with someone else.

The other issue to me is the cursing. I have not been around people who curse and directed at me or having to do with me would be huge.

These might be indications of who he is but if you really like him time will tell. Trust yourself.

Williesmom posted 7/26/2013 10:32 AM

Thanks for the replies. We talked about it last night. He feels that I live a "secretive life".

His example was that today, he has a dentist appointment, which he told me that directly. My words to him were that I'm going to the city for an appointment.

I think that he truly doesn't grasp the simplicity of my life. I don't have children, and I'm diligent about avoiding drama of any type. My life consists of work(where I love and am loved), walking the dogs, working in my yard, and supper out with friends.

His life consists of work drama, child drama, and ex-wife drama. He does have some issues from previous relationships, so he's working through that.

He clarified that he wasn't accusing, more like making a statement about my personal style.

It's still strange to me to have this kind of discussion and not have it end in yelling and tears.

wonderingbull posted 7/26/2013 12:00 PM

I'm not interested in being in a relationship with someone who wants/needs to know every what/when/where of my daily life... KD's the same way...

We rarely talk on the phone... When we plan on spending time together we text about plans or talk in person about it...

If we aren't together we do our own things and tell each other about them after the fact...

He sounds a little insecure to me...

WB

lieshurt posted 7/26/2013 12:04 PM

He clarified that he wasn't accusing, more like making a statement about my personal style.

I don't know if you feel the same why I do, but I wouldn't even think having a wart removed would rank up there as important info that I needed to share.

cayc posted 7/26/2013 12:14 PM

Idk, I don't get insecurity from him, I get someone used to loudness, sharing, over-sharing, kerfluffle, drama and over-reaction. So the lack of it - even if it's sometimes actually a good thing - feels secretive.

To me this is just a personal style sort of thing. I like my coffee doctored with amazing amounts of cream and stevia and you take it black. Some people like the detailed sharing, others don't. This truly is a difference of nothing important outside of what suits you and how you want your relationship to be.

It's still strange to me to have this kind of discussion and not have it end in yelling and tears.

Delightfully strange, isn't it. I'm glad you were able to talk it out.

[This message edited by cayc at 12:16 PM, July 26th, 2013 (Friday)]

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