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how do I get over his emotional affair??

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Jammy19 posted 7/25/2013 16:28 PM

My husband of 21 years betrayed me in the worst possible way. I found out he had been having a "friendship" with a 21 year old who used to live with us. Keep in mind he is in his mid 50s:) I must also point out she was kciked out of our house 15 months ago for lewd behavior and drug use. I forgave her in order for me to heal and overcome my nervous breakdown I suffered 16 months ago . However I had LITTLE contact with her at that point. He did not care about my feelings and listen to me when I told him she was the major cause of my breakdown. The girl was trouble, sleezy, and inapporpriate so I kicked her out. She was my daughters friend who we took in when she was 18. Big mistake. My husband was involved with her for 9 months, via texting. They would text 350 times in a day some months. In Sept they texted 1120 times! I had no clue. When I found out I was angry, devestated and furious. His response: she made him feel good as I the mother of his 7 kids was NEGATIVE. I would call him when I was stressed or having a bad day and he would avoid me as I was just too negative. However he was available for her as she was having a really hard time with losing us ( her family for over 2 years) and living in another state away from everyone. My husband was there to help her and therefore pushed me aside. I nearly had a stroke I was so upset. I dragged him to my therapists office where he truly beleived he was in the right. Since we once thought of her as a daughter it was ok they talked so much and kept it from me. Needless to say my therapist went off on him and so did I. We have 7 kids adn I am trying to move on, but I also know hes bene in chat rooms and getting texts from women all over. Of course he says its not him. He only texted the 21 year old for 9 months. Says hes being framed for the rest. I dont know what to do. I am so angry and hurt. He says I should forgive him for texting her as it was innocent, but when he only texted me 15 times in 9 months and texted her non stop, its hard. Am I suppsoed to pretend it didnt happen??? I am tryign to stay in this marriage as I love him and I have 7 kids. How do I get him to admit hes messed up & hurt me???/

fyou143 posted 7/25/2013 16:49 PM

((Jammy19)) hugs to you Jammy. Going on a year and one month I have been struggling with this same question and it doesn't get easier. I know that both parties have to agree and work on the marriage that much is true but how when the other party doesn't think what they did is wrong? I ended up having another discovery day about two months ago and it is just like reopening the wound. All I can say it have a shoulder to cry on, patience, and just someone to vent. These waywards will not come out right there and then they will drag u thru their lies that is why a lot of people here say to take care of yourself especially if it gets to the point that enough is enough. I'm always here and so are others if you ever need to just vent :(

nowiknow23 posted 7/25/2013 16:58 PM

Hi, Jammy. The quick answer? You don't get over it - you work your way through it. Sorry, I know that answer sucks, but there is no quick fix.

His response: she made him feel good as I the mother of his 7 kids was NEGATIVE
What a load of crap. He was talking to her to get his ego stroked - it had NOTHING to do with you. Period.

And he knew it was wrong, or he wouldn't have hidden it from you in the first place.

Of course he says its not him. He only texted the 21 year old for 9 months. Says hes being framed for the rest.

ONLY texted inappropriately for 9 months. Gee, give the guy a cookie.
Am I suppsoed to pretend it didnt happen???
He may want that, but that way lies madness. He has serious issues with boundaries, lying, and fidelity here. If you guys rug sweep that stuff, it doesn't go away. It has to be dealt with for the marriage to survive.
How do I get him to admit hes messed up & hurt me???
You can't get him to do anything. He has to own his actions and the consequences of them. If he's not up to that, turn away and work on healing yourself. He'll either figure it out and move heaven and Earth to work on himself, or he won't. Either way, you will be ok.

HurtButHopeful? posted 7/25/2013 23:11 PM

Jammy, your story makes me so sad. Yes, he messed up, and he needs to own it. Cheating is a choice. Like others said, you can't make him admit it, but you can sure change your own behavior to where he has to make some life changing choices.

Says hes being framed for the rest.

Nobody is so stupid to believe this...only waywards are so stupid or desperate to hope the betrayed spouse will believe the ridiculous lies. Don't even believe this for one is straight out of the cheaters' handbook.

We know how painful it is to be betrayed by a spouse, after being loyal through thick and thin, sacrificing one's own career to raise children, and trusting they are mature and loyal too.

Have you read the Healing Library? It is found in the yellow box at the upper left corner of your screen. Read up on the 180. It will help strengthen you and perhaps your WH will come to his senses when he sees you are not going to put up with his shenanigans, but you are going to get on with your own life, with or without him.

You also need to set boundaries, and requirements for him to meet in order for you to stay in the M with him. YOu will get ideas for that also in the healing library.

Here is a link to SerJR's Tactical Primer.

Here is also a link to a thread called "Great Posts for Newbies to Read."

These posts should help give you some clarity and plans.

One more thing: Your WH sounds like he may have issues with sexual addiction. This is a progressive thing, and it sounds like he has become progressively worse.

Hugs for you (((((Jammy19)))))

AStar posted 7/26/2013 08:53 AM

Jammy, I am sorry for your pain. I want you to know its not a hurdle: you don't get over it. You are not supposed to get over it. You will need to deal with it and get through it in your own time. Take care of yourself first now. And no, you can not make someone admit the truth when they choose to lie to themselves and to you. Sorry you have to be here...

canteat posted 7/26/2013 22:10 PM

Get the book "Not Just Friends" by Shirley Glass. It speaks to exactly what you are going through and explains EAs really well. I am reading it now and it is helping a lot! good luck to you. *hugs*

krazy8516 posted 7/27/2013 11:21 AM

I'm not sure if this has been addressed yet, but are you sure the affair was strictly emotional? I've known my husband was texting with another woman for a while, I was just awaiting the proof on the phone bill. I, myself, am a former cheater (not in this relationship), and I know that while an emotional connection is sufficient for a while, eventually it won't be enough. Then you've got a whole new issue on your hands. Sorry you're going through this, especially with children involved.

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