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I'm not steering this ship

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Coraline posted 7/25/2013 16:50 PM

After our hearing last week, I was really unsure about what the heck I was supposed to do. I tried to settle, and I tried really hard, but it didn't work out. My dad said to stop worrying about it and just fight back, and I spent days agonizing about what I was supposed to do.

Then yesterday, I heard STBX's attorney filed something about my mental health. I haven't seen it yet, but I guess it means I don't need to worry about what to DO, because I'm not in control of any of this anyway. He's just going to do whatever he does and I'm just going to respond, and it will go wherever it goes.

I mean, I did whatever I could to avoid court, short of leaving penniless or without my kids. I didn't post anything of substance at SI, because I didn't want to piss him off. I was willing to give away things that were very important to me. I was willing to let him keep his secrets with the money, which meant I probably got less than half of my real share of the assets. None of that was enough. It's like settling has never been an option unless I did it on terms that were so bad I'd have my kids but be destitute or 2 of my kids would be living with their military father, who is at risk of deploying and leaving them with we don't know whom, who thinks my SN daughter with behavioral issues doesn't need therapy, who wanted to SEPARATE the 3 girls, so I'd have the baby and he'd have the older 2. Nothing realistic can settle this, as far as I can see.

The only good thing is that I don't have to decide whether to fight or settle, because it isn't up to me.

dmari posted 7/25/2013 16:59 PM

I totally hear you Coraline. I feel like the choices are to fight or defend since our stbx's refuse to just do what is right. If not by us then for the children! Sheesh! It's not fricking brain surgery!

I was willing to give up a lot too so I think I understand at least a little about how you are feeling. I realized that even if I settle for less or give up on important issues, that's still not enough!

You are doing great Coraline! Keep moving forward and doing what is in the best interest of your children. You are an awesome momma! Stay strong and keep those boots ON!

caregiver9000 posted 7/25/2013 17:00 PM

oh, (((Coraline)))

I can't decide if you sound strong, lost, or bewildered. I know that you are STRONG, and that will serve you well as you offer him silence for his every crazy, and as you surrender to the process. I am pleased that you have your father and your L championing you.

And of course, all of the SI army cheering you on and with you in spirit.

ButterflyGirl posted 7/25/2013 17:40 PM

Not knowing too much of the details, I would say the best defense is a good offense.

Don't back down and let him push you into a corner, mentally, financially, or emotionally. Fuck that motherfucker.

This is for you and your children. He's hiding money and trying to SEPARATE the children?? He tried to get you kicked out of your home?? Shine a light on that little cockroach.

I'm with dad. Get those bitch boots on and fight..

Sending you strength and hugs..

peridot posted 7/25/2013 21:08 PM

He and his attorney are looking for anything they can because he got his ass handed to him at the last hearing if I remember correctly.

Also haven't you been to IC and nothing was wrong? Even if you had some sort of mental illness, as long as you are able to take care of the kids no judge is going to take the kids from you. Didn't the judge already more or less tell you, you are getting custody of the kids? Judges don't like splitting the kids up.

All of this from the person who was going to kick a pregnant woman and children to the streets? None of this is going to look good for him.

This motion with the mental health stuff is just bullshit. It's a pretty common move. Hell, my XH did the same shit to me. It didn't do any good and just made him look bad.

Don't let him get to you!

Remind yourself about what your dad said, fight back! Find that inner bitch and kick his ass in court. You got this!

Nature_Girl posted 7/25/2013 21:15 PM

My STBX also tried to make me out as the crazy lady. Didn't fly. I've been seeing an IC regularly, she's vouched that I've faced this situation squarely, I've talked through my own responsibilities, I'm forward-thinking and working to create a better future for me & the kids. Yes, I've had some strong reactions during this process, as would any reasonable human being discovering the kind of deception & perversion I've discovered. It's even been claimed that I'm on AD's, which I'm not. But if I was there would be no shame in it, it would be just another example of me identifying a way I need help and taking advantage of the help available.

No, you're not steering the ship. Neither am I. I'm fighting back, though. I refuse to be made out as the crazy person, the overprotective mom, the unreasonable harpie. I have evidence to back up every single claim I've made. I will be able to look my children and my God in the eye when the time comes and confidently assert that I did everything I could to protect them and act as honestly & honorably as I could during this nightmare.

Coraline posted 7/26/2013 01:38 AM

I think they're claiming I'm on AD's as well or something, but I'm not, haven't been prescribed them, etc. He seems so confident that there's something in my medical records, that it makes me wonder if he or the HOcial worker, who both have access to medical records, *planted* something there. I think that's a pretty far out idea, but who would've thought they'd be conspiring to drive me crazy? That seemed pretty far out, too, until we found out it actually happened. I wouldn't even think it if he didn't seem so confident about making such ridiculous assertions, but then again I guess this is typical behavior, so it's very likely nothing that bizarre happened.

Butterfly, I don't think he hid much money (probably some). I think he ran up debt on his OW or gambling or whatever, and now he's claiming it was legitimate marital debt. Either that or he brought more debt into the marriage than I knew about. Whatever it is, he told multiple lies about our debt situation, and now he's claiming I just didn't want to be aware, so that's why I was wrong about how much debt we had. That's not what happened at all though. He actively deceived me for over a year and possibly longer.

Peridot, not that it actually matters as far as it being a jerk move, but I wasn't/am not pregnant for the whole kicking me out of the house thing. It's just me and the 3 littles. I am SO glad we aren't having another kid together! :) I think life is going to be grand in my home with my gaggle of girls. I can't wait for my NB.

peridot posted 7/26/2013 02:17 AM

Coraline, I'm sorry, I got you mixed up with someone else on here. It's hard to keep track sometimes.

I could see them planting something or just making shit up all together. That happened to me also.

Bluebird26 posted 7/26/2013 03:06 AM

Coraline you can do this, keep letting the lawyer fight this for you that's what you are paying them for.

It's a tattic to keep wearing you down, they are trying to get you hand everything they want because you get so sick of the nonsence and the gameplaying. Keep doing whats best for you and your kids. That is all you can do.

confused615 posted 7/26/2013 05:35 AM

He's confident there's something in your medical records that will prove you're on an AD? Maybe I sound paranoid,but could he have been drugging your food,or drink,while he was home..and if they have you take a blood test it will show up?

Your STBX is manipulative and ruthless...I wouldn't put anything past him.

[This message edited by confused615 at 5:36 AM, July 26th (Friday)]

Coraline posted 7/26/2013 12:33 PM

I don't think he would go that far. I don't even *think* they would be so bold as to mess with my records; it's just that I can't be sure after the other weird stuff. I'm going to pick up my records today or Monday, so I can put my mind to rest about it.

I'm pretty sure that anything they did do would track right back to them, because of digital fingerprints and all. The only thing I don't know is if my husband had access, due to his position, to other people's log-ins. Then that would be more problematic, but we'd still figure it out. I think I'm over thinking this though, and after what they actually *have* done, who wouldn't? I think it's more likely I'm just a little paranoid because of their whole conspiring to try to literally drive me crazy and abuse me more effectively by using her professional knowledge.

peridot posted 7/26/2013 13:42 PM

If they have done anything illegal or something that isn't morally right and used any professional license or their job to commit such act, I would go to whatever board that holds their license.

I'm assuming they both work in the medical field and could possibly get a hold of your medical history. If they alter it in any way, that's illegal and it can be traced back to them. I would not take that.

I wouldn't put anything past them but I wouldn't let it drive me crazy with worry until something does come up. Just prepare yourself for anything they might do.

Pippy posted 7/26/2013 14:43 PM

What does your lawyer say about all this?

Coraline posted 7/26/2013 16:19 PM

She's a social worker (counselor) at the military clinic I go to. He is in admin at the same clinic. I keep thinking they would want to generate good will with me, considering that her license is in serious jeopardy if I decide to go to her licensing board. She illegally accessed my daughter's medical records and possibly mine, and she coached him in how to financially abuse me and emotionally freaking torture me. She would be in a pile of horseshit so deep she'd never get out. And yet they continue merrily along, doing everything they can to be assholes, but still counting on my good will to keep her out of trouble. Erm....

Coraline posted 7/26/2013 16:21 PM

My lawyer says not to worry about it. I haven't mentioned the idea of then altering my records somehow, just because I don't *think* they really did. It's just one of those fears that comes up, where you know it's unlikely, but you'll feel better once you verify it.

numbandnauseous posted 7/26/2013 16:42 PM

Coraline - so sorry you are going through this.

One other thought I had besides what the others have said is have you read "Splitting"? It will give you good strategies on how to deal with the dirty tricks that someone such as your STBXH will employ during the D process. Apologies if you've already read it.

I would imagine they would have access to your health records, but it could be traced electronically if they tried to alter them. (I'm assuming electroinic health records).

Coraline posted 7/26/2013 21:00 PM

I haven't read it yet. Thank you. I just ordered my records today, but I think everything will be fine. It's just a dilly worry, after all the other stuff.

Really, now that I think about it, they assume I won't tell anyone what she's done because it's not in my nature to do things like that. Plus, if I did decide that it was worth it, there would not be enough good will in the world to stop it. I'd either do it or not, no matter what they did, so I guess it doesn't actually matter what they do and they probably know it. Plus, she doesn't control him anyway, so it's not like she could make him stop.

I forgot to say that I don't really think this was in response to the last hearing. The judge was nothing but friendly/nice to all of us, including STBX. It's just that my understanding was that he told the attorneys the likely outcome of the custody case was that I would get the kids. At this point, I feel like I must've misunderstood something about that. My atty told me this motion was written before that hearing, but for whatever reason it wasn't filed until after.

[This message edited by Coraline at 9:06 PM, July 26th (Friday)]

Pippy posted 7/27/2013 08:56 AM

When you get to the anger stage, you'll come out of the fog you are in now. THEN you will stand up for yourself. Hugs.

damncutekitty posted 7/27/2013 10:11 AM

I think you should stop being nice and fucking nail that bitch to the wall. She deserves to lose her career- God only knows how many other people's lives she's helped destroy.

Take2 posted 7/27/2013 11:42 AM

Coraline, I wish you didn't have to censor what you say here... it always makes me want to find a huge F*U emoticon and flash it at your STBX and his harpie before I post.

I hope your lawyer is going to make him pay for the eval!

Keep the faith and hugs ((Coraline)).

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