We are in month ten. Things are going great. Really great in fact. New MC started 2 months ago and we've really made some significant progress learning how to communicate our needs and anger.
So WW and I had a small argument last night. I had triggered over the weekend and we were still at odds on the resolution. She thought I was angry and acting childish. I complained that she was a "fair-weather wife" in that I felt she wasn't doing the hard stuff. IE reading,talking about her feelings, and addressing the her issues that led to her A.
At any rate, she had asked me a month ago if she could go on a harbor cruise with the girls from work. I said fine. In fact I kinda liked the idea of her going out and taking a break from the stress of R. The cruise was tonight 8 to 10pm around Boston Harbor.
We hadn't talked all day because we were both mad. She was scheduled off work at 5 and so was I. At 445 I get a text saying she was at home and getting ready to go out. (Cruise wasn't until 8). I leave work immedieaty and get home 10 minutes later to find her gone. I call her and ask where she is. She says she and the girls were going out to dinner first. I tell her I find her actions unacceptable. The notion of leaving work an hour early with zero communication. TO make these unannounced plans to "pregame" as it were.That she just leave to go out without at least seeing me first, let alone giving me the courtesy of a conversation. Maybe even some reassurances of her commitments. We argue back and forth and I eventually hang up in rage. I take some Bupropion and amphetamines to try to calm myself. (Prescribed)
Now I'm stressing. My heart is pounding. I'm scared out of mind. What if she gets drunk? What if she calls FAP? What if she gets hit on? What if, what if, what if! I was nervouse going into this as it was but thought I could handle it. Now with the unresolved argument and her suddenly leaving 3 hours earlier without me seeing her off, the uncertainty and insecurity is killing me.
I haven't had a drink in 6 months, haven't gambled since D day. Now both are swimming through my mind. Not for revenge, but for the need of "comfort". Something to take the place of this...massive insecurity.
No one to talk to. No one to listen. Like being back in month one. All alone and in hell.
[This message edited by Yakamishi at 6:35 PM, July 25th (Thursday)]