"You can survive this. Talk to others that have"

5674emt posted 7/25/2013 21:27 PM

I am 7 months into reconciliation. My WH had been having an affair with our babysitter because her husband liked to watch. WH is remorseful,repentant and we are trying to keep it together. It has not been just about the affair, but the problems before the affair also. WH has had some verbal abuse tendencies and self-perfect esteem issues. How much should I conform to his expectations before I have given enough?
I have no doubt WH is keeping his part of the marriage vows now. I have kept my vows "for better or for worse" especially. I am still struggling with insecurity hope this to shall pass.

unfound posted 7/25/2013 21:35 PM

welcome to si

.

How much should I conform to his expectations before I have given enough?

what expectations does he have?

LosferWords posted 7/25/2013 21:41 PM

Hello and welcome, 5674emt.

This:

WH has had some verbal abuse tendencies

Has me concerned. No one should have to tolerate any type of abuse at any level.

There are some helpful links at the upper left portion of this page, particularly the healing library.

I'm glad you found us, but I am sorry that you have to be here.

This is what a hug looks like on this site: ((5674emt))

betrayed5years posted 7/25/2013 22:21 PM

So very sorry to have you here..We are a little further along the you and your spouse...by over a month. I don't count the 6 wks of continually sharing the dirty secrets.

I have asked myself a hundred plus times the same question. How much is enough? We each have our own journey, relationship and path....the insecurity, lack of trust, and all the negative fall out of affairs is self consuming. I have almost walked away many times and still have personal "deadlines" to make a final decision---it is one of my own ways of coping with where I am. I am committed to Reconciliation (though some will disagree)...but need a mental way out --an escape route (and this left over childhood stuff). WS knew about the early ones, but they are my deadlines....not his.
Words "verbal abuse" concerned me too....but there are so many definitions of abuse now..What are are his tendencies? Expectations even concern me more....you are not the one that had an affair, so what expectations has your spouse made??? You are the one that should have expectations of him and he should be conforming to what you expect?

Marriage vows have lots of words...honor, love, cherish and they go both ways. Do you have a marriage counselor...if not get one. It is worth the money and it may take more than one attempt to find the right one. Our reconciliation would not be as far along doing on ourselves, even though I have had years of training....and never thought I would be where my life is now.

Keep on writing and lots of hugs to you!!!

5674emt posted 7/27/2013 09:53 AM

Thank you all for your kind words and insights. He does expect me lose weight and be happy all the time. He does accept all of the responsibility for the A and comforts me when I trigger. His verbal abuse is antagonistic conversations. What's wrong with you?, Why can't we have a simple conversation?, I don't understand why you make everything so complicated?....this is all at the same time.
We are in counseling with our Pastor and it is really helping. It is getting better and the comunication is improving. I still have doubts that I am able to keep this intact, but he is aleast keeping himself focused on fixing this mess.

AFrayedKnot posted 7/27/2013 10:08 AM

(((5674emt)))

I am sorry you are here. This whole mess is an emotional roller coaster. It is normal to not be "happy all the time"

Hell, at 7 months, it was a good week if I was happy for a few hours.

What work has your H done to try and understand what you are going through?

There is a great book "How to help your spouse heal from your affair". I would highly recommend your H reading it and applying it. Its a pretty small book but very powerful.

Also there is a post in Wayward called "Things every WS needs to know" this would be good to print out and have him read.

He should be conforming to what you need to heal from his betrayal. You offered a gift of R. Now he needs to earn it.

unfound posted 7/27/2013 10:14 AM

but he is aleast keeping himself focused on fixing this mess.

What exactly is he doing to fix this?

Part of the "fixing" is to understand how you feel and why you feel this way. Not wanting you to lose weight or being happy all the time. Both expectations put the load on you to "fix" something that isn't yours to fix (in terms of R).

Those antagonistic questions are just that. It's putting the focus on you and what he sees as you not moving forward, when his focus should be on himself and his own issues. It sounds like he really lacks empathy, and doesn't understand the depth of damage this has done to you. When dealing with emotions, things get complicated. It's his job in R to be patient with you.

canteat posted 7/27/2013 10:20 AM

How much should I conform to his expectations before I have given enough?

Don't CONFORM to his anything. You need to be YOU and not try to mold yourself into what you think he wants. His only expectation right now should be that you are willing to work on the relationship. Thats it, that simple. Everything else will come in time.

He does expect me lose weight and be happy all the time.

He is being an ass. He is deflecting and trying to blame you for the A. If you were happier, thinner, blah blah blah. Its easier to place blame anywhere than where it belongs. SQUARELY ON HIS SHOULDERS.

Have you thought about IC or MC? I see you are seeing your pastor-and that is a good start but I would ask what training they have with infidelity counseling. Many MCs have no skills in this department so it wouldn't shock me to learn that your pastor doesn't either.
*hugs*