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Tonight I have triggered pretty hard. I turned on his disconnected cell and went thru the messages again....6 months since dday, and I have seen the messages before, but now to see them with more clarity was just effing depressing. My heart hurts. My mimd hurts. I still cant believ that the man I dedicated myself to has done this to me.

He didnt know I had looked at the phone. My H made a comment about accidently sending a text to our child...A sweet message intended for me. I triggered here...because months ago he had sent a text to daughter by accident that was intended for ow...and he quickly then texted me the same message as cover. Oops, meant that for you. When I discovered his affair and saw that message on his phone on dday and verified with phone records...well, it sucked. So seeing it again and having him mention another accidental text triggered me. Brought back many painful memories. So I reminded him of it. Then also reminded him of a couple more. He didnt remember, said to show him, so I showed him several of the messages, and then his defensive behavior kicked in. He is acting mad at me, sulking. I know his A has ended, but I am just so pissed about it all. How could I have been so damn stupid for all those years?

((Drivemecrazy))

You were not stupid, do not blame yourself for triggering. I am where you are, I have a similar DDay, feh had a LTA that lasted for almost five years and A ended on DDay. I have had four days in a row in which I have triggered badly. Today was a better day.

We are still figuring out the new normal. I feel like when things are improving I have the urge to remind myself of how badly fwh hurt me so that I can protect myself. It is completely understandable to want to save your self from further harm.

I used to keep the messages from my fwh online. But I have since saved them to a flash drive and printed off hard copies and locked them into a box in a garage and placed them in a high location where I need a ladder to access them. I have also placed copies into my safe deposit box in a bank. I then deleted the copies from my hard drive. I did this not to hide this from fwh, he knows I have copies and will use them if needed. I will never forget what is contained in those texts and emails. I did this because in a flash of anger it was too easy to throw them into fwh face. Don't get me wrong, fwh is remorseful, regretful and is doing everything he can to rebuild trust and ultimately our M. He acknowledges the contents of the texts and has never denied doing it. There was nothing to be gained by throwing the texts in his face.

Was there a particular reason why you looked through the messages today? If you WH is doing all of the things you need, and no red flags are going off maybe consider moving the phone to a less accessible location. I am not advocating getting rid of the phone, you never know when you might need it. But for me, by moving the phone to a less accessible location forces me to really consider whether I truly need to read the messages again and bring back all of the pain.

Finally, try and forgive yourself for trusting and believing in someone you loved. The fault lies with him, not you. I am working on this too, in hindsight, I cannot believe some the lies I accepted. It seems ludicrous now. It is not wrong of you to share your anger and pain with him, he needs to own this.

I hope I am making sense. You are not alone and I will be following this thread for advice. Thank you for sharing.

[This message edited by meplusfour at 12:34 AM, July 26th (Friday)]

Thank you for the kind words. You know, it is crazy...I didn't look at the phone with intent to see those messages. There were messages from him to me that I wanted to see...they were sent in the months prior to dday, where he was telling me he was broken and needed to do something because he was afraid he was going to lose his family, where he was going to check in to rehab because he knew he was doing things that could ruin us...saying how much he loved me, etc. he had ended his A during that time...but somehow I ended up looking at the other messages. I know his A is not my fault, but still wish I would have realized what was going on years ago. It just hurts like hell.

I do the same thing. I look at their old messages as well as their text logs. I even have it matched up with my calander. I don't know why I do that to myself as I know it just triggers me and I get angry and upset. I think it's partly because I'm still looking tor more clues.