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The dominos are dropping

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eyesrnowopen posted 7/26/2013 07:52 AM

History: DD 3/13, BH had two OW at work, one he met outside work. Over three years he admits to EA with no PA. All three were with him at confrences and one was at our house when I was out of town. He admits to intent only. Intent makes me feel just as betrayed. We have been separated since DD. I threw him out and he is acting like a victim as a result. We are both in IC and MC. He is blame shifting, calling me selfish for always asking ? About A and accussing him of lying.

Now: I sought L advice because he was starting to get angry and entittled and and trying to bully his way back in the M. I was advised that I should have 5 months emergency funds stashed away. I opened my own account and moved slightly more than half our savings money so it could be used only in an emergency to protect myself.

First domino: I explained to him that I needed this because I didn't trust him to pay our bills and in case of D I needed to have this so I would feel less vulnerable. I told him I thought we should still continue with MC and decide together if we should R or D and that I have not decided yet just making sure I was prepared.

Next Domino: I get crickets from him as to what he is thinking. He takes all the money out of our checking as I did not touch this because we have bills. All checks start to bounce. Still no return calls or text from him. I go to the bank and use emergency funds I just set aside to square the checking account.

Now what do I do? He has become angrier and angrier at me. He feels I am selfish and unforgiving and trying to control the situation. He acts like the victim. My MC says he is full of rage and anger and maybe we can get through this with time.

Do you think I poked the tiger and ruined any chance that we may have had at R? I just felt so powerless and the more angrier he was becoming the more desperate I was to make sure I had the money to protect myself. The thing is it felt so unnatural for me to act sneaky and take the money behind his back. I felt I could not share my plan and why until I had secured the money. Now I feel I will be forced to file as he will pull his paycheck, hence next two dominos. I'm not exactly ready to D yet and to throw away 17 years of M. Any thoughts for those of you who were here? I will also post in other threads.

JessicaFL127 posted 7/26/2013 08:16 AM

Sweetie, you need a lawyer. Don't let him destroy you financially while you hold on to the marriage he killed. I'm sorry to be harsh, but he is going to try to rip you apart now, you need to file and get a lawyer to protect you before you completely drown. If not for divorce, at least a legal separation so that he cannot take the money for bills. This guy at this point in time is not your husband and he is not your friend. Your lawyer will keep you safe. Big hugs!

[This message edited by JessicaFL127 at 8:17 AM, July 26th (Friday)]

suckstobeme posted 7/26/2013 08:19 AM

That money was yours too. You are entitled to it and entitled to protect yourself!! He's a manipulative bastard for making you feel guilty about that.

I know you are hurting and want the man you married to come back. I was there too. I know exactly how you feel. If that ever happens, then you decide if R is what you want. Until then, you are stuck with an angry, hurtful, cruel man who obviously could care less about whether your basic minimum needs are met and whether he ruins your credit and financial future.

Honey, he's dangerous. Poke the shit out of that tiger because he sees you as a weak piece of prey. He is not on your side right now. He's shown that and you need to act accordingly. Please don't let the hurt and your desire to R cloud your judgement about the rest. Take care of you and only you. Leave him to fend for himself.

chikastuff posted 7/26/2013 08:29 AM

I think he's showing you that he's a mean bully who thinks he can control you. Do you really want to be married to that kind of person? You need to have a conversation with yourself and make some hard decisions. Personally, I'd DTFG.

Thinkingtoomuch posted 7/26/2013 12:41 PM

Hi, erwo

I just read your profile. You are great at telling this story. Great with expression and words. Please don't be offended, but you did make me laugh.

I loved "this is the whole truth and nothing but the truth."

It does sound extremely iffy about your WS's character and ability to ever make you feel like you could believe or trust him. At least you'd have this awareness as you trudge along with your thought processes and reminding it's NOT YOU. It's him.

You're in IC? He's in IC?

Good luck and hugs.

sparkysable posted 7/26/2013 12:56 PM

Honestly, unremorseful WS's will admit to EA only. I would bet that ALL these women were NOT EA's only. It just doesn't work that way.

You need to protect yourself, and you need to do it now. This guy will destroy you if you don't act fast. He's already shown you a glimpse of what he's capable of. Loving, remorseful WS's do NOT act this way!

Take2 posted 7/26/2013 14:02 PM

I think some of the dominos that have been dropping are missing from your count:

Domino 1 - He invests all your money (including kids college funds - without telling you) and looses it! This is financial infidelity.

Domino 2 - Ow #1
Domino 3 - OW #2
Domino 4 - OW #3.

Domino 5 - b/s Story 1
Domino 6 - b/s Story 2
Domino 7 - ....

....You get the idea.

I'm sorry, but if this is his reaction to you taking a perfectly reasonable step to protect yourself, given what he has done (that he admits to) - He is off his rocker!!

The financial history alone would give any rational person the only reason they'd need for you to have removed some money from the checking acct.

{In fact as a fairly rational person, I'm wondering if you have proof that the money was invested in the stock market at all ... or is there some other expensive habit in play?}

After being so blatantly selfish - his latest move pretty much says it all. I don't see how he is R material - there is no remorse here.


Pippy posted 7/26/2013 14:20 PM

He's not really mad at you. He is projecting his anger onto you. He's angry he got caught which shows everyone what a dirtbag he is. He humiliated himself.

As for the EA bit with 3 women??? A man doesn't break up a 17 year marriage when he hasn't even slept with an OW. He's a liar as well as a bully. Get tested.

This is what I did when my life was spinning out of control...while all the paperwork is in the house, make copies of everything you can - pay stubs, tax statements, investments, pension statemenst, deeds, bills,bank statements, insurance, vehicle registrations and make sure you have his Social Security number. Take pictures of all assets. Set up your own credit card and bank account. Then hire a shark, whether you D or not. You have to protect yourself. NOW!

courageous posted 7/26/2013 19:48 PM

I have the feeling that you are afraid that because you took your lawyer's advice and withdrew money to keep yourself safe that you feel that you ended any chance of R.

Let me tell you what happened to me..... I heard the advice on SI for many months. My dday was 3/2011. I joined SI the same day. We "tried" R for 7 months... Which I really believe now that the A went underground but I digress.

We had mentioned the possibility of divorce and he said he would always be fair to me and make sure I was taken care of with a roof over our head (at the time kids were 1 and 4). I had been a SAHM since the first one was born.

When we separated in oct of 2011, he wanted to move into his "own" place. Since I didn't have any income, we lived in a rural area, and 2 little ones I decided to move in with my parents just 60 miles away. He was so angered that he denied me access to all of our money (over $40,000), tried to take my house keys away from me, admitted in court that I needed to ask permission to take MY OWN clothes out of the house. He even said that I needed to pay my lawyer fees out of the child support I was receiving.

We are finally divorced although I still have a few financial issues to clear up....$30,000 later. That's just the lawyer fees... And no my child support never covered it. I had to go to court to order him to release the money.

He tried to withhold money from me as a way to take EVERYTHING from me. He was angry that I stood up for myself.

Please, please, please learn from my mistake. Don't be afraid that protecting yourself is ruining things. If he was really caring about you he would understand why you did it. Right now you need to protect yourself and file for divorce or at least separation so he can't open or close any accounts or spend outrageous amounts of money. Once the order is placed it prohibits things like that.

Right now he is trying to control you... Control is not love, manipulation is not love... Right now he is not being loving at all.


LifeIsBroken posted 7/26/2013 20:04 PM

My xh didn't get upset that my heart was broken, didn't get upset that I shrunk from a 12 to a 6 in 5 weeks, didn't get upset that our daughters were crying their eyes out because their father turned into a horror show, didn't get upset much at all until I decided enough was enough and moved $ into my own account in my name only - ONLY THEN did he become so upset he threatened me, called me every name in the book, threatened to tear up our home.... Didn't bother him much that he destroyed his family but it bothered him A LOT when he lost control of what suddenly became "his money." (Never was "his money" when I was the main income producer, then it was always "our money.") I would say your WS has shown his true colors. Protect yourself and be grateful it happened now instead of 35 years after marrying him. Sending hugs......

Fooled Me Twice posted 7/26/2013 20:20 PM

Gently here but, remorseful spouses would not get angry about this. You are in your own fog now - I was in the beginning as well. Please realize that he's angry bc he is losing control and no, you have not ruined any chance to R. He should kiss the ground you walk on should you even grant him that possibility. He's showing you who he is - BELIEVE him. Please, please, please realize actions are what's important here and his actions are telling you something.

Big hugs. I'm so sorry.

eyesrnowopen posted 7/27/2013 14:07 PM

Thank you all for responding and also sharing your experiences.

Update: we are set to go to MC Monday. He says he has a lawyer and we can sort out the bills between us or pay the lawyers to do it. He says he loves me and wants to see if we can we can salvage the marriage.
He wants an opportunity to show me he is truly remorseful.

What should I ask for on Monday? How do you sort out finances without L involvement? I keep thinking that he does not want D and in MC and IC is a good sign and that he long as he is in MC and IC we should be able to sort some of this out so I should not push D yet? Can you give me advise on what I should ask for from him?

Jessica: I have a lawyer. I know he is not my husband but I keep hoping if he had more time and MC he may get it. It has only been 5 months since DD and 2 months since we started MC.

Sucks: Your right, my desire for R is clouding my judgement. I wanted to protect my self by securing the Emergency funds but now he will pull all financial support. So now I will need to file. He says he won't and we can work out an agreement. We are meeting MC to talk about it.

China stuff: that is the million $ ? Why can't I pull the trigger and DTFG? Maybe because I feel he just needs more MC and time.

Thinking: the lack of character is what makes me doubt that he can do the work for R. This why i am separated and working on me and seeIng an L. I'm just not ready to pull the trigger yet. We are also both in IC. Why the F can't I just D???? What more do I need?

Take: I know you are right he has not shown me he is R material.

Poppy: I have been tested. So far - I have copies of all bank statements etc. to my L

Courageous: thank you for sharing your story. I do hear you and I will keep in contact with my L and make sure I am safe. My heart broke seeing how you were trusting and he hurt you. I thank you for this and it will make me more cautious

Life: I too get the feeling that now he wants to hurt me. $ got the most severe reaction from him. Maybe he will calm down and the MC can get thru.

Fooled; how do I get out of this fog?


eyesrnowopen posted 7/29/2013 22:31 PM

Ok at MC he admitted he diverted his check out of our checking account. He said he will pay both mortgage and bills but out of his new account. This is controlling. I need to file for support.

noescape posted 7/29/2013 22:49 PM

eno, i just read your whole story. I must say your H sounds just like my W and her lying - no.matter.what. Its what he does not what he says.

I think you're doing great. If you're ready for this step - do not falter. He has had enough time to come clean. it takes one moment to come clean, not 4 months (3 years in my case).

persevere posted 7/29/2013 23:51 PM

You need to file and have temporary orders put in place asap. ((Hugs)) This is not a fun place to be and many here have been in your shoes. Keep posting.

My XWH walked out the door 2.5 mo into an affair and pretty much never looked back. Knowing what I know now, I'm grateful for that.

Keep posting eyes - SI is an amazing place - I could not have survived without it.

[This message edited by persevere at 11:51 PM, July 29th (Monday)]

Nature_Girl posted 7/30/2013 00:28 AM

Eyes, when we separated STBX immediately cut me & the kids off financially. Oh, he talked a good game to his lawyer, making it sound like he'd ensure that enough money flowed my way to keep me & the kids alive. But he didn't do it. He said all I had to do was submit an expense report to him once a month and he'd give me the money. Didn't happen.

It took six months, I had to get a new lawyer and then threaten legal action before he started to cough up any money for me & the kids. I couldn't believe it. The people here at SI couldn't believe it. My lawyer couldn't believe it. It still makes me shake my head that he would do that to the children. I can see him hating me that much, but the children?

My point?

You're probably getting divorced. Right now you need to consider your WH a hostile adversary, if not an outright enemy. DO NOT RELY ON HIS GOODWILL OR FLOW OF FINANCIAL GENEROSITY. You make sure you do whatever you need to do RIGHT AWAY to ensure that you & your children are taken care of financially. This may mean some kind of legal paperwork set up through a lawyer.

Any man who will divert his paycheck without telling you as a punishment tactic will also cut you and your children off financially. I now know what it's like to send my kids to bed hungry or with only toast for dinner. I urge you to be VERY shrewd and bold to protect yourself. This kind of thing happens. See if you can prevent it from happening to you.

SBB posted 7/30/2013 04:01 AM

10 mins before S I emailed my lawyer to adjust our settlement agreement in the sad clowns favour.

We had been in (false)R for 3 months and had negotiated the settlement the whe time as I had insisted on separating for a year once we sold the house. I wanted everything to be 'clean' whether or not R worked out. I thought we had come to a mutually beneficial settlement - he confirned he was happy with the agreement whether or not we ended up in R.

10 mins later we broke up. He morphed into the arsehole I have to deal with now basically overnight.

I have just spent c$50k to get 50% of our marital assets. He earns more than double what I do yet tried to insist on 50/50 girls expenses. He only pays c$600 p/m CS.

And 20 weeks later this 40 y/o loser tells me he is ready to introduce his 24 y/o office gopher, prior OW (I didn't suspect a thing - trusted her taste more than his fidelity) to my little girls as his GF.

I too thought goodwill and flexibility would help avoid a scorched earth divorce. We could have been amicable/friendly - he decided to become hell bent on ruining me any way he could instead.

I recount this story to you as a warning.

There is no venom in true remorse - whether in R or S/D.

Protect yourself - you'll kick yourself later if you don't.

eyesrnowopen posted 8/1/2013 15:17 PM

Thank you all for responding. Here is what happened. Sorry this is long .

Spoke to my Lawyer who asked if I was ready to file for D. I said since he pulled his check out I felt I had no choice but to file. My L suggested I ask him to put his check back as a condition to consider MC.

Before all the drama I asked my H to support me in asking my son not to take his X box to the shore(that's the beach for all those who don't live near the jersey shore). He agreed.

A few days after the drama he picks up the kids and goes upstairs to help myy son pack. On the way out I ask my son, in front of my H, " do you have your Xbox in your backpack? My son says no. I did not check. Never thought about it again. When the kids came home, I unpacked and there was the Xbox. I confront my son with his lie and he tells me Dad packed it. He immediately feels disloyal and pleads with me not to fight with Dad.

With IC I have figured out what to say at MC to reflect where I am. I should just D but I am hanging on to a sliver of hope that this man can R.

Before I get to ask, my WH says he was wrong to block credit cards and he is putting his entire check back in our joint checking. (Good I didn't have to ask). He says he understood my fear and realizes that I am financially vulnerable and only trying to protect myself. He reacted without thinking mand he also reacted out of fear. He realizes his fear was a unfounded and he should have waited to talk to me first. He denies being angry( I saw him as hostile and angry). The MC tells me I need to accept my H's feelings and if he says he was not angry but afraid, I need to accept this. I ask him to help me understand why he was afraid since he makes three times the amount of money I make. He said he was afraid of loosing control and not knowing what was going to happen. ( now we are getting somewhere. Control. ).

I bring up my son and ask him to give me his word that he will not mention this to our son. He agrees. He tells me that was wrong and he validated the lie with the fact that he kept my son off the Xbox all weekend. (Not the point). He understands the lie and particularly teaching my son to lie and disrespect me is the point. He says he lied to avoid confrontation.

He agrees to being honest and putting his check back to get us to before the drama where we can continue M.

I agree to table the As for now while we work on communication.

I ask for actions not just words.

He asks for me to accept how he is feeling even if I don't understand why he feels this way. This is at the crux of his non communication and conflict avoidance. I understand that he is entitled to his feelings but I feel he uses this as an excuse to lie and cheat. The MC says I can accept his feelings without condoning bad behaviors. (I'm thinking that is one clear goal I have not to ever again accept disrespect, cheating, lying ). I'm way ahead of you on that one.

The saga continues

[This message edited by eyesrnowopen at 3:28 PM, August 1st (Thursday)]

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