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Naunett posted 7/26/2013 09:42 AM

I have been married for 3 weeks. I have been with him for 2 years. after the first year, we moved in together and I noticed a change in him. I would wake up at night and he would be in the bathroom....he said he was having stomach issues.

Then I started back to school after 20 years, and I caught him red handed. literaly. We had an extra room where he would wait until I was gone to go in and watch porn on his phone and masturbate. it got so bad that when we were intimate, he couldnt get it up. I found a full load of clothes in this room that he had used for his "skeet".

He promised me no more, I caught him like 2 more times. then we were good, it was done. the i noticed he had this new app on his phone that he said was to help him watch youtube vids. I found out this week that it was so he would watch porn, and look at pictures and masturbate. He had forgotten to clear his phone.

A friend directed me to this site before I had the chance to confornt him, and I am so glad. I had the tools to have a go at him when he came home. When I explained he cheated on me sexually and emotionally with another woman, and what went into it, he was agreeable. He said he understood.

yesterday I had a panic attack so bad, I was shaking when he got home. I told him how I was feeling..how HE made ME feel, he was understanding at first, then he blew up..."All men whack off and look at porn!" He said..."And if they say they dont. they are liars or it doesnt it work, I dont get your issue, it must be a woman thing because I did not cheat on you. it was just a picture!"

I told him how about this being a human thing, how about the fact that YOU hurt another human, made them feel pain because of your actions....can you understand that! and I told him this BS abbout all men do it....so what? it should be accepted? what is it that all women do, that devistate men, but the excuse is...well all wommen do it, so it' okay? he had no answer.

He will over talk me, yell at me, leave the room while still grumbling.

I laid down the law. I tuned the data off on his phone, it will never be turned back on. He is no longer allowed to drink as well because he has a binge drinking problem, and when he does that, the worst idea sounds like the best in his state.

He has agreed wiht this...so far, I need some advice on how to keep up with the follow through. to let him know this is it, there are no other chances, he changes like the wind. if I catch him in a lie, all he says is "SO!" like a child. Or, I did it like 2 days ago...this is when after he quit smoking I would catch him doing that as well. The man seems to do what he wants, when he wants, and when he sees he has hurt you, he is sorry....for like a second, then he brushes off, and trips on down the road happy as a lark with hurting victims in his wake...

how do I get through to him. i want this marriage to work. I love this man with every thing I have. Help me please.

womaninflux posted 7/26/2013 09:53 AM

First, you have to acknowledge there is a problem.

Second you have to acknowledge you have no control over him addressing it.

I don't know where you are...but you should do a web search for "S-Anon Local Meetings" and find one.

Your H has an addiction to porn and if he is like mine, it's gone on a very long time - probably since childhood. He also has some type of intimacy issue and possibly some type of control issue - like he wants to control you by being emotionally unavailable to you.

It sucks. It's hard. But you will get through this. It is NOTHING you have done. But controlling him and laying down the law and not allowing him to do this or that (while I agree it's logical for him to avoid situations that make him slip up - addicts don't think like we do). What he needs to to find a Certified Sex Addiction Therapist (psychology today) and start treatment. You also could benefit from counseling with one as well. As well as couples therapy.

MovingUpward posted 7/26/2013 10:08 AM

Welcome to SI. From your post it sounds like you have put some good boundaries in place and are looking to address the problems.

how do I get through to him. i want this marriage to work. I love this man with every thing I have. Help me please.

Unfortunately there is no guarantee that you will get through to him. He could easily be in what we call "the fog". I would stick to your plan. Watch for him to try and talk you out into loosening the "rules". Watch for actions that back up the words he speaks.

Mathews posted 7/26/2013 12:34 PM

I guess I just don't get it.
Other than him having a hard time performing with you..
You gotta know masturbation and porn are very normal for all MEN. Starts at a very young age for many. to say he is cheating is a little over the top IMO..
Just my thoughts - Coming from a MAN

ArableSands posted 7/26/2013 12:40 PM

In general I agree with Naunett, speaking as a man. Naunett has boundaries that should not be crossed by her spouse. Those boundaries include masturbating to porn.

HOWEVER, it's something that should probably have been sussed out before she and he were married. Many men, married or not, like to masturbate to porn. It's quite common, as Mathews pointed out, although I don't agree that ALL men do it.

The other issue is that Nanuett's spouse couldn't perform with her, and could only get off from porn. THAT's a problem, and is indicative of something more serious.

Naunett I am so sorry for your pain. You've been married for as long as I've known about my own wife's cheating. These are horrifying times.

confused615 posted 7/26/2013 12:48 PM

this is NOT something ALL men do. There are many men here on SI who have no use for porn.

Porn takes intimacy away from a marriage. It gives false expectations.

If you have told your WS that porn is not ok with you..that it hurts you..then he should stop. You are his wife and your feelings should take priority over spanking it to some whore on a screen.

Porn can be an addiction. I had no problem with porn..at first. We even watched it together. Then I found the hidden porn..and he became too tired to have sex with me,but had no problem whacking it to porn every day. It started to replace me..his wife..I was young,attractive,in great shape,willing and adventurous..and he chose it over me. He has admitted that hiding porn got him off..that sneaking it was exciting. So let's see..he was hiding,lying,excited by the "getting away with it" factor..all of these things contributed to him cheating on me with a live person.

Porn can be considered cheating. If it is something you are not ok with..if it takes away the intimacy in the marriage..if he starts to expect you to act like the whores on the screen..it's a problem.

And,again,not all men are into this. We have many men here who have said they respect their wives and their marriages and have no use for porn.

Now..if your spouse is ok with porn..then good for you. But not all spouses are. And many,many people consider it a form of cheating. YMMV.

If you don't want it in your marriage,tell him. if he refuses to respect that,knowing it is hurting you,then you have a serious problem.

[This message edited by confused615 at 12:49 PM, July 26th (Friday)]

Jennifer99 posted 7/26/2013 13:07 PM

Oh crazy issue for me.

I blameshift the demise of my M onto porn.

Made me crazy mad in the beginning, then transitioned to feeling ugly, unwanted, and unloved, then transitioned into trying to understand and participate then transitioned to WTF - no, not all men do as much as him, LIE. I was point blank asking some very blunt male friends.

One gave some great insight - if he's doing it when you are around (i.e. not just when he's wanting and has no outlet)and hiding it then something is majorly broke.

I tried expressing this to H. He has 100 excuses.

So now instead of being something "normal" to be discussed and dealt with in a relationship it has become a major hurdle/boundary problem.

FWIW - I played his semantics game and said "ok, its not cheating, but it sucks and it makes me feel sucky, is that how you want to feel in a marriage?" Its still an issue. And my blameshifting comes when I get to thinking it was like a gateway drug to cheating.

Mathews posted 7/26/2013 13:08 PM

I didn't say all men watch PORN.. But 99.9 % of men have masterbated. Speaking as a man , I would never chose porn over my wife, now that is a problem. We don't need to discuss when a man needs more sex than a wife can provide and then masterbate's.. Another topic I suppose. Sorry for your pain Naunett

1Faith posted 7/26/2013 13:18 PM

If you are more intimate with porn than you are with your spouse then it is a problem.

If someone is putting time, energy, and effort into getting off to porn vs. spending time with their spouse and trying to be fulfilled through real intimacy vs. fantasy then yes, it is a problem.

He is also LYING about a lot of things. HIDING things, SNEEKING around... hmmm...how many of us have seen these signs in a full blow affair?

Naunett if you don't want him doing this then that is your choice. He can either comply or not. But set your boundaries and be prepared to stand your ground.

(((gently))) What you have described is that he is addicted to porn, he's a binge drinker, he smokes which you don't like and he acts like a child when you attempt to have a meaningful conversation with him. May I ask what positive you are getting out of this relationship?

Hang in there. You have the right to define your boundaries.

Good luck.

Jennifer99 posted 7/26/2013 13:21 PM

So, 1Faith, what were you doing 10 years ago when I said yes to M?

confused615 posted 7/26/2013 13:22 PM

Masturbating is one thing. Using images of other women to get off..to fantasize about fucking..that's too much for some women..and that's ok.

There are some couples on here who, in light of their new marriage after the affair,have a new "rule" that there is to be no sexual release without the other present. It works for them.

Look..Im not against porn necessarily..I am against porn when it replaces the wife..or when the wife says it hurts her and the husband continues to do it. It's disrespectful and humiliating. If both people in the marriage are cool with it..great. but if its hurting one of them,it needs to stop. Or a compromise must be reached that satisfies both. Unless you're dealing with a SA or porn addict..then no porn is acceptable.

[This message edited by confused615 at 1:23 PM, July 26th (Friday)]

SuperDuperWonderboy posted 7/26/2013 13:27 PM

"All men whack off and look at porn!"

No they don't.

But I did before marriage, stopped when we got married, I felt it was too disrespectful to JNRPA.

Plus, I don't want my dead relatives watching me!

1Faith posted 7/26/2013 13:28 PM

Jennifer

I was raising three babies, working full time and thinking I was living a real and meaningful life with a husband that would never cheat on me...

Didn't mean to sound judgmental just hoping to save Naunett some of the pain we all have experienced...

(((hugs to all)))

NeverAgain2013 posted 7/26/2013 13:29 PM

I’m sorry you find yourself here.

I don’t know, I’ve always been of the opinion that if you have to police a grown adult’s behavior 24 hours a day by giving them ultimatums, taking away their privileges and constantly monitoring their actions to see if they’re breaking the new rules, then you’ve already lost the battle.

Unfortunately, if he doesn’t want to do these things on his OWN for the better of your marriage, he’s just going to resent you for enforcing these rules on him and he’ll see you as a controlling nag. I just don’t see this ending well for you at all.

I do wish you luck and peace of mind.

Jennifer99 posted 7/26/2013 13:31 PM

1Faith - i didn't think you sounded judgmental - I just wish I had your words before I married!

Or at least not been so naive, immature, etc. I liked what you said.

1Faith posted 7/26/2013 13:35 PM

Jennifer

(((hugs))) Life...one big learning experience.

Naunett posted 7/26/2013 13:43 PM

I found out about the porn and masturbation before we were married. I told him for us to go any further, he needs to understand how I feel about it, and that it can not continue. He agreed. I am torn between walking out. and staying in hopes that we can work this out. I'm just to messed up right now to make a solid decision.

Jennifer99 posted 7/26/2013 13:55 PM

Faith -

Naunett - yep, same here. I can tell you 9 years of together/not married, 10 years of married - I never won the porn battle and now I am here for an EA (who knows if PA) WH.

JanaGreen posted 7/26/2013 13:59 PM

I guess I just don't get it.
Other than him having a hard time performing with you..
You gotta know masturbation and porn are very normal for all MEN. Starts at a very young age for many. to say he is cheating is a little over the top IMO..
Just my thoughts - Coming from a MAN

I don't know . . . finding a whole load of jizz-clothes piled up in his porn room - and he can't get it up for sex with a real person - sounds like an issue.

I've been in the position where my H was pushing me away and staying up to watch porn while I'd fall asleep hoping he'd want to come to bed and have sex. It sucks.

1Faith posted 7/26/2013 13:59 PM

Naunett

You don't have to decide anything today. Just equip yourself with knowledge.

Look up the 180 in the Healing Library as this may help you find some focus and strength.

No judgment - just concern.

(((hugs)))