It doesn't sound like she is putting the effort into saving this marriage.
Things she should be doing?
She should be fully transparent...you get full access to all of her accounts and her phone,passowrds included.
She should be answering all of your questions without blame or anger.
She should be in IC to figure out her "why."
She should have written a NC email to OM..that you read and sent(so you know it was sent unaltered).
She should have been tested for STD's(you too).
If Om is a coworker,she has to find another job.
Did any of her friends know about the affair? if so,they are not friends of the marriage,and they need to go.
So...did she do any of this? Is she doing any of this?
She should be bending over backwards to show you she is truly remorseful and wants to save this marriage...but it sounds like she convinced you that this is somehow your fault,that you needed to make things better for her. No,my friend. She is responsible for her actions. No marriage is perfect..but she chose to blow it up by cheating. And problems in the marriage before the affair need to be addressed...but not until the affair..and the fallout..has been dealt with.
It takes 3-5 years to heal from this shit..that is with no new info..no TT..and a remorseful spouse.
ETA: You said she "says she feels remorse." Um..no. If she were remorseful,she wouldn't have to say it. It would be obvious. True remorse is all about helping the BS and repairing the damage they(WS) have done to the BS,the marriage,and themselves.
[This message edited by confused615 at 10:27 AM, July 26th (Friday)]
M: June 2001
..that feeling you get in your stomach, when you heart's broken. It's like all the butterflies just died.