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Hurttt posted 7/26/2013 10:02 AM

Here’s my deal. I’ve been married for 6 years with 3 children and just found out about my wife’s affair for the second time. It started in November 2012 and was originally a texting affair and in March of 2013 they were busted by OP’s wife. The OP’s wife contacted both my wife and I so that I was aware of the situation. My wife felt terrible and ashamed of what she had done. We decided that this was something that we could work through. My wife told me many reasons of how her marriage had caused this. I being the strong person bucked it up and decide I was going to change to make things better as well as the WS was to change her ways. So time went on and I thought things were going better as I was now doing great things for the WS and the kids. Still the WS wouldn’t really give me the good feelings I needed in my marriage even though she had everything the way she wanted it. I just tried harder and thought it would come with time.
On July 22 the WS came home and confessed she was still texting this OP. My parents caught her meeting this OP. The WS claims she was cutting it off face to face after discussing the situation with her sister. We discussed things that night and I felt like she was telling me the same things as before. The next day I questioned the WS about the severity of the relationship but claimed it was only texting and both the WS and OP had marital problems that they conversed about. I hounded the WS time and time again to come clean, but she said that was it. I could only but believe her. I felt great as we were going to work through it and the severity wasn’t what I thought.
The following day I received a text message from the OP’s wife that she knew they met in person more than once. I left work and met with the WP to discuss what this meant and the WS told me it was just to say hi. I didn’t believe the WP. I kept asking questions relentlessly as I could read her and knew she was lying. Throughout the day bit by bit I found out it was both emotional and physical and that the WS had feelings for him. (That she claims she no longer does) The WS and OP had intercourse 5 times and met other times since they started texting.
I was shocked, devastated, and hurt. The WS and I seldom fight and she has everything she could ask for. The WS has lived in a dark hole and has affected myself and my family through this situation. She wasn’t a bad person before but she turned into one during this time. I did everything to make it better only to be shit on. The lies were out of this world; everything was lie. Yet the WS continued to do it every day. She says she feels remorse this time but last time she didn’t care. I don’t know what to believe as I was given the story last about how she wants to work it out but she didn’t do a thing even though I changed tremendously. I am really confused as to what I should believe. Not wanting to give up the life we have I want to give it one more shot. Am I a fool just setting myself up to be hurt again or can we really make it work. How do I know I am getting the truth? If the WP wouldn’t have been caught I never would have known ; if I wouldn’t have been relentless in asking for the truth I wouldn’t have gotten it. Does this tell me something about her.

simplydevastated posted 7/26/2013 10:15 AM

My personal feelings about this is that it does tell you a lot. She didn't care before to stop the A, why would it be different now? Also, if she did care she would have confessed on her own and not lied even more. To me she's sorry she was caught, again.

It doesn't sound like true remorse to me.

If she wants the marriage to work then she needs to step up show you true transparency and remorse. Counseling would be a good start as well. This isn't going to be an easy road to travel, but with two people working on things it can be done. If it's only you, which is sounds like it, it won't work.

She can't go around blaming the marriage or you. Every marriage as some issues. The couple is 50/50 responsible for issues in the marriage, the WS is 100% responsible for the A. If there were issues in the marriage that were a concern for her then her responsibility was to sit down and discuss them with you not an outside party.

I'm sorry you're going through this, but you've found the right place. We're here to help.

Post often, it helps.

Josephine01 posted 7/26/2013 10:18 AM

First of all you are not a fool. You simply love your W, live and relationship. I am so sorry that you find yourself here. But, these people are amazing and they will help you. To this day I think my H lied about the PA part and he tries to downplay his EA.

It's only an opinion, but I think if I had handled things different in the beginning, like implement the 180 and been more forceful then I would have the truth today. Now I let so much time pass that it's still fresh in my mind but he wants to simply move on.

Hurttt, don't know what I am trying to say, you need to be strong, take care of yourself and it may mean that you have to take a hard line with you WW. Let her know that you think she is a liar and a cheat and you don't trust her yet. Tell her that she has to earn your trust by being transparent and truthful and this wont't be forgiven or for gotten any time soon.

Good Luck, my friend.

tushnurse posted 7/26/2013 10:20 AM

Welcome to SI. You will find many great people here who will offer tons of great advice. It sucks that you get to join this club of great folks.

Look to the left side of your page, read all you can in the healing library. This will give you some idea of how to Reconcile should you decide to.

Basically when it comes to R. You need to call the shots this go round. The behaviors continued because she didn't have consequences for her actions. She was allowed to blame you for, and make you change to make her happy in the M. That doesn't work. We can really only make ourselves happy with our situation. She wasn't forced to make any changes, or look inside to figure out why she felt the need to go outside the M.
She has to figure that out, if she doesn't the pattern will repeat itself.

Things for you to do:
1. See an attorney, find out what your rights are, find out how a D would play out, and what to expect. This is empowering, and will help you deal more from a place of reason than of fear.
2. See a Dr, get STD tested. If she has admitted to X number of times it is probably double that at a minimum. (Cheaters lie).
3. Make sure you are eating, sleeping and staying hydrated, if these are a challenge then ask the Dr for something to help you through this. No shame in a little chemical support during this time.

Keep posting, keep asking questions. More will be along soon.

(((and strength))))

confused615 posted 7/26/2013 10:23 AM

It doesn't sound like she is putting the effort into saving this marriage.

Things she should be doing?

She should be fully transparent...you get full access to all of her accounts and her phone,passowrds included.

She should be answering all of your questions without blame or anger.

She should be in IC to figure out her "why."

She should have written a NC email to OM..that you read and sent(so you know it was sent unaltered).

She should have been tested for STD's(you too).

If Om is a coworker,she has to find another job.

Did any of her friends know about the affair? if so,they are not friends of the marriage,and they need to go.

So...did she do any of this? Is she doing any of this?

She should be bending over backwards to show you she is truly remorseful and wants to save this marriage...but it sounds like she convinced you that this is somehow your fault,that you needed to make things better for her. No,my friend. She is responsible for her actions. No marriage is perfect..but she chose to blow it up by cheating. And problems in the marriage before the affair need to be addressed...but not until the affair..and the fallout..has been dealt with.

It takes 3-5 years to heal from this shit..that is with no new info..no TT..and a remorseful spouse.

Welcome.

ETA: You said she "says she feels remorse." Um..no. If she were remorseful,she wouldn't have to say it. It would be obvious. True remorse is all about helping the BS and repairing the damage they(WS) have done to the BS,the marriage,and themselves.

[This message edited by confused615 at 10:27 AM, July 26th (Friday)]

sailorgirl posted 7/26/2013 13:53 PM

Hurttt,

I am so sorry. It sounds like you are married to a very damaged woman.

The reason that none of your hard work and changes made any difference is that she cheated because she is broken, not because of you and not because of the marriage. If two acrobats keep missing each other in the air because acrobat 1 is injured, then it doesn't make any difference how strong acrobat 2 is or how great their equipment is. Imagine acrobat 1, with a broken arm, claiming that the problem is that acrobat 2 forgets the moves or the trapeze is faulty.

Your wife is messed-up inside. That's why she was able to lie, cheat, throw away her integrity, and deeply hurt the person who loves her best. She needs serious counseling or it will happen again.

((Hurttt))

damaged71 posted 7/26/2013 14:23 PM

Sorry about this... it hurts.

Forgive the following post but I have developed a rather "scorched earth" attitude when dealing with a WW.

You can't nice her out of this. You can't give her things and make it stop.

I tried all of this and it didn't work. It only causes them to continue hurting you.

You know what did work? I gave her a "minimum performance standard" (engineering term).

I said these are the condition s to remaining married to me. Break one of them and you are expressing your desire for a divorce. If you do break one of them I will commission divorce proceedings and they will be irrevocable.

She tried to deflect and say "You want a divorce" giving her the right to play the victim. I said "nope, you doing these things is just like telling me to divorce you. Don't do them and we can remain married".

That seemed to do the trick.
(Warning brutal statement follows) At some point you will get tired of being nice and realize that she isn't worth all the pain she is causing you. At that point things change. Trust me along a long enough timeline you WILL get to this place. Might as well shortcut it all because I assure you, she will play games as long as you allow it.

If you really want to see if she is honest, tell her tonight you have scheduled a polygraph for her next week. Tell her that you have had enough and if she has been dishonest in anyway you will start divorce proceedings.

Her reaction will tell you everything.

ETA: I re-read your post and it was sounded exactly like me on D-day. Exactly. Your WW and mine sound exactly alike and I tried the same thing you did at first.

[This message edited by damaged71 at 2:30 PM, July 26th (Friday)]

Hurttt posted 7/26/2013 17:11 PM

Thanks for all these messages. I feel I have a few more answers and am not quite so much in the dark anymore wheather the responses are good or bad. I don't feel so alone anymore.