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Struggles with thinking differently

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Running the Race posted 7/26/2013 10:05 AM

I've recently posted a few things about my D. Everything is still pretty fresh. I have limited contact with my EXW, all of it is about the kids.
Now I know what I'm about to post is unhealthy, I know I shouldn't be thinking this way, but, I find these thoughts creep in and I'm not in anyway proud of it.
I find myself scared that I'll never be happy again. Not just in a new relationship, but just never happy. I also find myself reading articles about how women my EXW age find more happiness in life after divorce. So now I'm sitting here feeling like, I'm doomed to be unhappy and she most likely will date and find happiness in her new independent life.
I can't tell you why I care so much, I just know I do. I'm trying to get to that place where I don't even think about her, wether she is happy or sad, but to be honest, and I know this is wrong to think this way and unhealthy, I find myself hoping she will be miserable in her new life. And that I'll find happiness and she will find regret. She will regret ever having the D.
I feel like a jerk with these thoughts, so please, you don't have to tell me I am..
Does anyone struggle with this?

Jennifer99 posted 7/26/2013 10:46 AM

I'm not D/S yet but yes, I struggle with this. Usually when I'm feeling too horrible about myself.

So then I go do things with people who love me and make me smile - my kid, my nephew or niece. And if I have any energy at all I try and do something for someone even more unhappy than me.

My IC has taken to telling me it is ok to feel whatever I feel and to stop judging myself. Just acknowledge that I am feeling/thinking these things and let it be.

But I'm a fixer, that is really hard to do.

wonderingbull posted 7/26/2013 12:28 PM

What you're going through is pretty damn normal to me...

You will be happy again... With or without a woman in your life...

Your pattern of thinking and feeling for and about her was a learned process... By not being with her you'll become accustom to new thinking and feeling processes...

Takes time but you'll get there... Don't get bogged down thinking about the way you're thinking...

Live your authentic life and good things will come...


Ashland13 posted 7/26/2013 18:28 PM

This is sometimes a daily struggle for me. It is certainly a struggle when holidays and occasions come.

I don't know if this will help any, but I am learning very slowly to rearrange my thinking and have read this in a magazine, but forget the name to cite. It had some articles written by people in various stages of life changes, weather this way or death of spouse and so on.

Some of it really hit home and it's to say that love and being happy can come in all kinds of ways, in all shades of colors. Not just romantic love, which is a big deal, but love can be celebrated and had in other ways.

Children are obvious...relatives, too, and I've spent time looking up and writing to very old friends and reconnecting in lighter ways. One person wrote in this article that she used to find Valentine's Day a day she couldn't get out of bed-she is a widow. She said she was out shopping and saw flowers and decided to get some for herself, I think tulips.

Anyway, she bought three or four as they were on sale and gave them to her neighbors, all the same colors. One by one the neighbors planted them as spring came and now they all comment on the tulips to each other and she sees them every day they bloom.

It's kind of a corny story, but what I got of it is the idea of changing how we view these emotions and hard days in life that once held romantic love or relationship themes.

Another similar type of article talked about a person volunteering at a shelter, another at an animal shelter and so on.

My new direction, when I'm stronger, is looking into this-places to channel the feelings that have been rejected and sit lost in space. There are ways to channel this part of our journey, it's just damn hard and a long while to be all right without having what we once did.

phmh posted 7/26/2013 18:57 PM

I'll bump up the fear vs. reality post, but you'll find that pretty much everyone who is further out than you are has found that their lives are so much better than they thought they'd be and that almost all of our fears were unfounded.

Happiness is about 10% things that happen to you, 50% genetic, and 40% how you deal with things. Therefore, you have control over 40% of your happiness. I'm sure we all know people who choose to be unhappy. It's up to you to decide how you want the rest of your life to be. Whether your XWW is happy or not is completely irrelevant to your life. The faster you reach detachment, the better.

I recommend "Getting Past Your Breakup" by Susan Elliott. "The Journey From Abandonment to Healing" also gets good reviews here, though I have never read it.

Running the Race posted 7/26/2013 23:38 PM

Thank-you all for your replies, I felt really out of control and it's comforting to read your response.

ButterflyGirl posted 7/27/2013 07:02 AM

Have you seen the karma bus posts? I think it's pretty damn normal to be wishing karma runs them over. Multiple times..

I know the goal is indifference, but I must admit I'm still in the wishing bad things on him stage.. You know, like his ding dong getting some rare disease that makes it crumble and fall off, lol.

But seriously, I see that you have 3 kids, so I would say focus on them, your family, and your friends. You spent a LONG time trying to reconcile with your wife, and if you can let some of those thoughts go, think of all the time you will have to spend focused on them? I feel so much closer to my kids than I ever have before. Giving up on "fixing him" has given me so much more time to get to know them, ask them questions, take them places (including volunteering at the animal shelter), learn about their friends, the shows they watch, what they dream about. I think I was a good mom before, but not nearly as attentive as I am now that I'm not worried about the POS anymore..

And I agree with Ashland's idea of taking the hard times and trying to make new memories out of them. Even the stupid restaurants I go to, I think, "Aw, the last time I was here was with POS, but now it's <xyz>, and I'm taking it back!"

Huge hugs..

lostmommy posted 7/27/2013 12:41 PM

Everything that you're feeling is completely normal. Believe me when I say that you will reach a point of complete indifference towards your ex. Maybe not today, maybe not tomorrow, but it WILL happen.

As for your future happiness, that will happen too. I think the newness of your situation makes your emotions raw and you (general you) tend to focus on "what was" instead of "what could be". What do you do for yourself to make yourself happy? Do you exercise? Have any hobbies? What activities do you enjoy doing?

In this process, it is so important to take care of yourself. I've found that the better I feel about myself, the happier I am. That's not to say that I don't have my dark days - even almost two years out. They are fewer and further between now though.

Keep your chin up. It DOES get better and you WILL find your happiness again. (((Running)))

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