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Confused, reeling, in agony

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ArableSands posted 7/26/2013 10:48 AM

This morning I awoke and needed to talk to my wife (who betrayed me, discovery 3 weeks ago). She was emotionally distant and it came out that she had all of the years where I was emotionally distant myself in her mind and it was making her angry. I didn't know this naturally. She started talking about it and how I would throw things she talked about back at her (I did, I taken ownership of all of the wrong I did in the marriage) and then said I did it recently too. She said, "I'm not talking about the few days after you found out I was cheating, I'm talking about a few days ago..." Which, of course, was less than 3 weeks after discovery.

INSTANT PAIN AND ANGER. "Are you actually're blaming me for..."

I launch myself out of bed. "WE. ARE. DONE!" I was SO angry I nearly exploded.

She cried really hard... :(

AND yesterday was day one of MC. And the MC made us promise there would be no talk of divorce. I broke that covenant. :(

Before I left she came to give me a hug. But I sense distance. And I've had to put myself entirely on the line, to be totally vulnerable, to try to reconcile. Did I just completely screw everything up? I'm starting to panick... :(

[This message edited by ArableSands at 11:23 AM, July 26th (Friday)]

confused615 posted 7/26/2013 10:52 AM

First,you need to stop worrying that YOU messed everything up. You have every right and every reason to be angry and sad. Your WW has put you in an emotional roller coaster that will last a year or more. SHE needs to buckle up.

Also..what she is doing is called blameshifting..and rewriting marital history to "justify" her affair. It's common. Call her on it.

Until the affair has been dealt with..and it will take a long,long time to do so..any problems before the affair are on hold. Your house is on fire..and she wants to bitch because you left the door open.

ArableSands posted 7/26/2013 10:57 AM

I should add, what she said was not what she had meant. It was the combo of the anger she was processing with the words that came out that triggered me. She actually had a valid point to make. But I didn't see it that way, not through the lens of pain and anger I've been using.

ArableSands posted 7/26/2013 10:59 AM

confused615: Thank you, and I see your point.

I've re-established a grip on my panick and anger has replaced it. What a horrible, horrible state to be in. :(

confused615 posted 7/26/2013 11:01 AM

No. You are taking the blame for reacting to what she said..which sounded pretty hurtful. If she didn't mean it *that way* then she needs to be careful how she words things affair changes everything.

It's been 3 weeks..and she tells you she is angry with YOU because you were emotionally distant a few years ago..and because in the past you've argued with her. Right now,if she is remorseful,and wanting to work on the marriage,she needs to stop concentrating on whatever things you did years ago. You were distant? And she's mad?? She fucked someone else. These two things to not cancel each other out.

ETA: Your emotions will change minute to minute..angry..panicked..sad..happy..relieved..horrified..disgusted..hopeful..this is normal. Feel it..don't fight it..or it will come out anyway,and it will be worse.

Have you seen your doctor? Maybe an AD would help?

Your WW needs to understand what she has done has traumatized you..and she needs to act accordingly.

Im really sorry. I so remember that pain..and that the first few months. My rage hit at month 5..and still shows up on occasion.

[This message edited by confused615 at 11:04 AM, July 26th (Friday)]

ArableSands posted 7/26/2013 11:07 AM

Understood, and thank you. You've become my guiding light this morning.

Can you tell me about your rage in month 5? Would you be okay sharing? I know each person has a very different experience in terms of what they feel and how much and when and for how long, but I'd like to understand some of my own anger. Maybe your experience might shed light on it.

ArableSands posted 7/26/2013 11:08 AM

I should add she didn't fuck anyone else, but it was still cheating. Kissing and sexting. I'm less concerned about the physicality and much more affected by the shared intimacy.

Edith posted 7/26/2013 11:14 AM

Hey AS, I can feel your pain reading your posts. With discovery only 3 weeks ago, you are in a terrible, dark place, the same as all of us. Give yourself a break.

I highly recommend the 180. It was also my experience that MC was a waste of time in the beginning, as my H was still lying for about the first 3 months.

Please try to focus on your own healing and your own well being at this point. Focusing on the 180 will help you gain your footing. Take care.


confused615 posted 7/26/2013 11:16 AM

I would be suspicious that it went further than kissing..cheaters lie and minimize.

My rage. Well..I think I lost my mind for awhile. Once my shock wore off,and I began to face that he *really* did this,that this really did happen..oh my God..I was enraged. I yelled,screamed,burned a few of his shirts(the ones he wore in the pics he sent to anonymous strangers on craigslist). I have never been so angry. It was scary. Now,when I rage,Im more controlled. Im not as loud either,lol.

ArableSands posted 7/26/2013 11:20 AM

You're right confused, but all of the evidence points towards her telling the truth about what happened in the affair. Reading her texts showed that she drew the line (so to speak) at anything that involved clothing removal. She came clean right at the beginning, when I confronted her.

I'm still suspicious as hell, but even with me being hyper aware, I have yet to trip her up in a lie since discovery 3 weeks ago. And she's never been a good liar at all.

ArableSands posted 7/26/2013 11:22 AM

Thanks for talking about your rage. I hit the rage spot a couple of hours after discovery and it carried on for nearly 2 full weeks. I've barely been able to contain myself at work. I'm normally considered one of the most calm, level-headed people at the company, but recently people have been asking me if I'm okay, why my temper is so short, etc.

1Faith posted 7/26/2013 11:47 AM

Dear Arable

First,you need to stop worrying that YOU messed everything up. You have every right and every reason to be angry and sad. Your WW has put you in an emotional roller coaster that will last a year or more. SHE needs to buckle up.

I couldn't agree more with confused. You are 3 weeks in and it is all very new and raw to you.

On average it takes 3-5 years to recover from an affair. I know when I first read that I wanted to die. I thought there is no way I can feel this way for 3-5 years.

You won't always feel this raw and vulnerable but you will for awhile.

Do not beat yourself up for the rollercoaster of emotions you will feel. You will feel everything and nothing all that the same time.

You will have a good day with the strongest conviction that "I can do this, we will be fine...I am 100% committed to making this work" to the next day something happens or you trigger and you are suddenly in the place where you are thinking " I am 99% out the door and I can't do this anymore"...all normal.

Along with your MC I would suggest IC for you both. It will help each of you get the time and space to process this without the other present. You need to vent, feel safe and not have to worry that what you are saying or feeling might hurt your WW's feelings.

You can't process what you are feeling and walk on egg shells for her at the same time.

You cannot own the affair in anyway. Regardless of the state of the marriage or what has happened in the past it is NEVER and excuse to cheat. There are a lot of other options.

She is feeling ashamed and guilty (rightfully so) and she is trying to justify her actions.

There is going to be distance because you both are hurt and scared. Try not to read too much into that.

Define your boundaries, what you need from her going forward such as NC, honesty and transparency, passwords, etc. Let her know what you intend to do if she breaks NC or cheats again and simply say the road to a true reconciliation is hard and long but I believe if we are both vested in making this better we can get there.

Good luck and don't be so hard on yourself. You are doing okay.

You will get there one way or another.


[This message edited by 1Faith at 11:55 AM, July 26th (Friday)]

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