Dear Arable
First,you need to stop worrying that YOU messed everything up. You have every right and every reason to be angry and sad. Your WW has put you in an emotional roller coaster that will last a year or more. SHE needs to buckle up.
I couldn't agree more with confused. You are 3 weeks in and it is all very new and raw to you.
On average it takes 3-5 years to recover from an affair. I know when I first read that I wanted to die. I thought there is no way I can feel this way for 3-5 years.
You won't always feel this raw and vulnerable but you will for awhile.
Do not beat yourself up for the rollercoaster of emotions you will feel. You will feel everything and nothing all that the same time.
You will have a good day with the strongest conviction that "I can do this, we will be fine...I am 100% committed to making this work" to the next day something happens or you trigger and you are suddenly in the place where you are thinking " I am 99% out the door and I can't do this anymore"...all normal.
Along with your MC I would suggest IC for you both. It will help each of you get the time and space to process this without the other present. You need to vent, feel safe and not have to worry that what you are saying or feeling might hurt your WW's feelings.
You can't process what you are feeling and walk on egg shells for her at the same time.
You cannot own the affair in anyway. Regardless of the state of the marriage or what has happened in the past it is NEVER and excuse to cheat. There are a lot of other options.
She is feeling ashamed and guilty (rightfully so) and she is trying to justify her actions.
There is going to be distance because you both are hurt and scared. Try not to read too much into that.
Define your boundaries, what you need from her going forward such as NC, honesty and transparency, passwords, etc. Let her know what you intend to do if she breaks NC or cheats again and simply say the road to a true reconciliation is hard and long but I believe if we are both vested in making this better we can get there.
Good luck and don't be so hard on yourself. You are doing okay.
You will get there one way or another.
(((hugs)))
[This message edited by 1Faith at 11:55 AM, July 26th (Friday)]