On July 6 2013 my husband of almost 8 years (anniversary is on July 30th) told me he had an affair four almost five years ago.
I don't know to much and haven't asked many questions bc I'm not sure yet what I want to know.
I know it was with a coworker who was going through a divorce and it was "just sex" he told her my wife will always come first. They had sex three times and he says during the third time he felt like such shit he stopped everything then and there.
At the time I was in the later stages of pregnancy with SEVERE morning sickness with HIS baby and then having the baby with untreated postpartum depression. I also worked a full time job, a part time job, and defended my thesis for a very demanding masters degree.
We have always had a very trusting relationship- he was at the time an emergency room nurse who worked night shifts and saw horrible things everyday, I thought it was ok for him to go out after his shift to drink and vent with his coworkers- mostly women who he told me were almost all sluts and he felt sorry for them. In return for this trust he was ok with me driving three hours away for many weekends to " live my college life"
I never even thought about betraying this trust. Many times people told me I was crazy for letting him go out but prior to being married he told me he had been cheated on before and if anything changed in our relationship he would tell me before anything happened with anybody else. Stupid me.
I also believed he wold never cheat on me bc I have always had the higher sex drive- I would have it everyday if I could. He seems ok with once every ten days. In the beginning of our marriage I would try to look pretty for him but he constantly rejected me so I just quit trying so much- I still tried off and on throughout the years but 70% of the time was turned down. When I asked about how I thought this was weird he said he's had previous relationships that were all about sex and that's not what he wants. So literally the only time I have ever refused him sex was when I was puking my guts up for two nine month periods.
Recently he has been anxious and jittery- he even went on Xanax for it. Then a few days later we went out- a rare occasion in that we have two children now dd4 and ds 18 months. He got drunk- I was sober and he was babbling about I don't know what then said he has no right to act this way bc of what he did to me. And then he told me about the affair and how he has been "making up for it for the past four years "
He changed jobs two years ago, no longer goes out with anybody other than male friends and lets me know where he his. He has done this for at least 3 years maybe longer. He wants to stay says he says he loves me and adores me and is sorry for everything.
We are both still living in the same house- we are having some sex- but I just cry ALL the time.
We are going to mc starting on tues. I still have not asked him anything about the affair ( timeline details etc) I just don't know what to do and feel very betrayed
I have been very busy with school/ career since we got married but finally in January I got the job I've wanted, it's not stressful and I get to spend a lot more time at home with my family, I started losing weight and taking care of myself, dressing better, exercising, wearing make up getting my nails done, going out with my husband and having fun. Things have never been so great as they have been the last 6 months then he goes and drops this bomb on me.
Any advice and thoughts are appreciated.
I am sorry you are here. I am. But please know that this is a safe place for you. It is filled with kind and compassionate people who have been through infidelity of most every kind and have somehow come out the other side. You will too, it will just take time.
I have to ask WHY he decided to tell you now after 5 years? This has me curious.
Most WS will not disclose without being caught or being in fear of being called out.
You may have no idea, but what was his motivation in telling you? To cleanse his guilty conscience? Or?
I also believed he wold never cheat on me bc I have always had the higher sex drive
One of the first things you will learn here and be told her by all these wonderful people is the affair had nothing to do with you. As hard is that is to understand, it really didn't. And it wasn't about the sex.
Affairs are about broken people trying to fill a void in themselves. It is ego driven, living in a fantasy world vs. based in reality and it is inexcusable. There is never an excuse to cheat. Never. There are a lot of other choices, such as IC, MC and even divorce.
An affair isn't about what the WS wasn't getting; it is about what they weren't giving.
Head on over the Healing Library in the upper left hand corner. Read, read and read some more. Knowledge is power and it will help you navigate through the next couple of weeks/months.
What you're feeling is normal, awful but normal. Sometimes it takes months to begin to process it all.
Do what you need to do to heal yourself. Be kind to you now. If you can go to IC, it helps a lot. IC is just as if not more important than MC in my opinion at this stage. You will need personal help wrapping your head around the reality of this.
It is your WH's job to fix himself. You can't fix him because you didn't break him. You did nothing wrong.
how he has been "making up for it for the past four years
Dig a little deeper on this but protect yourself. This is what we call blameshifting. He is going to try and justify his behavior and illustrate all the ways he's be "good" since then. This is bull. How can he have been making up for something you had no idea occurred? Do not allow him to manipulate you. His to own, his to fix.
Good luck. Post often. If nothing else just to vent. We are all here rooting you on.
(((many hugs and prayers)))
[This message edited by 1Faith at 3:42 PM, July 26th (Friday)]
I too immediately thought why the confession now? Do you know the answer to that?
I would recommend requesting a timeline from his prior A. I would also suggest that you do a few things to protect yourself. Go into spy/stealth mode, put a keylogger on his computer, put a VAR (voice activated recorder) in his car, look at cell phone records, snoop around for anything different or unusual in expenses, time away, soaps, clognes and clothing.
Take care of you. Put you first. Get tested for STD's, if you are having trouble with eating and sleeping talk to your Dr about that too. This can be very overwhelming you are just finding out about it, he has had 5 years to get used to it.
Know that you are safe here, and can come express concerns and questions anytime of the day or night.
((((and strength))))
We have always had each others passwords to everything and share our email accts and fb page-I looked around and didn't find nething How do u get phone records? Our bank acct is fine but I haven't gone back 5 years so I will do that
In the years since then I have had our son and they test u for tons of std then and they all came back negative but I will make an appt to see if there is nething else I need to b tested for
I'm so sorry you are going through this. Infidelity is horrible - and the pain in causes can only be understood by someone who has been there. We understand.
The most important advice I can give it to take your time. There is no rushing past this. You took a major emotional blow - and it will take months or years to recover. I hope you can save your marriage - it sounds like you are both committed to trying to save it. Realize that MC or no MC, your marriage is likely to suck for the next year. It will take a long time to regian trust and love and affection and to even want this man to touch you. Your emotions are going to rollercoaster - as are his.
But, if you can make it through the next 6 months, and if he continues to try to regain your love and trust, you can make it....your marriage can make it.
Even if you feel more anger than love, try to be kind to each other. Get through one day at a time, and realize that their is hope.
You can make it. It will get better, I promise
I asked him all those things his andwers were 1.) they both worked in the same horrible environment seeing awful things (ER) for years,were both drunk and lonely and horny. He said thats not an escuse its just what happened 2.) he said he is truly sorry- he saw all the signs i needed help but didnt know how to handle it. 3.)he just cried and said he didnt relize i felt that way and AGAIN brought up how he didnt want our marriage to just b about sex.
Later on that night it came out that i had only had sex 4 times before him ( I was 19 at the time just graduated from A small private HS and very sheltered he was 25) he acted like that was super important fir some reason and if i would have told him that we would have had more sex bc " sex was still new to me" . I told him how much it hurt putting on all the pretty things i got from my bacholorete party and being IGNORED almost every time what kind of man doesnt want to have sex with his new wife but every 10-14 days??!!!! He didnt have an answer but told me he would try to make it up to me. We had awesome sex twice last night ( quality has always been great the quantity lacking) and was very attentive all day but know here i am alone bc he wants to play video games instead of b with me- this is so stupid i feel so dumb but all i can think about is why does he not want sex??? Is this normal??? Are men really ok with sex only 10 - 14 days?? Is something wrong with me that i want to have sex with my husband more than a few times a month if i am lucky??!!
Regarding his sex drive, my husbands sex drive started to decrease a few years into our marriage. I just put it down to married life and familiarity. The last few years it's been nada, nothing. He had his hormone levels checked and he's been dx with low testosterone. Very low testosterone.
It started in his 30's.
Your husband may want to have his levels checked.
#1 BD 4/13 Then R ( at least I thought I was in R ) #2 BD 1/15 Hired atty 3/15 Divorcing
Honestly its something I just put up with bc I thought thats just how it is but the fact that he rejected sex from me for years then goes out and fucks someone else is maddening.:-( He keeps saying he loves me and finds me attractive. Im so confused and hurt and just cant stop crying
A few things we've all seen a million times here: First, cheaters are liars. So unfortunately you need to assume he's still lying. If he says it happened three times, it's usually six. One tactic is to ask him the same questions over and over again. Write down his answers in a journal and see if they change at all over time.
A couple of other things that stick out to me are that he says this woman and him saw horrible things in the ER. That sounds like they bonded so this could have had an emotional side to it too. I'd push that one a little more. You may not want all of the details like I did, but you need to know the truth or there is no chance your M will make it. It's often been said here that it's not the A that ends the M it's the lying, minimizing, and gaslightng that goes on after a BS finds out. It's awful how many people on here have multiple d-days because they kept finding out more. It's called Trickle Truth.
You mention he started getting jittery and went on Xanax before he told you. That sounds like a reaction to a trigger. I would seriously push for what started to cause the jitters with him. Did this woman re-appear? Or did he find himself crossing the line again?
As a Betrayed Spouse (and a cynical one at that), I would have a very hard time believing my WH just woke up one day, after five years, panic stricken, and had to tell me. I would also be weary of what he told me because he's had time to organize and plan what he's going to say and it's probably going to be a smaller version of the truth.
I caught my FWH. He admitted that he was struggled with telling me (it was ending) and that he knew one day he would have to. When he thought about what he would tell me it would be a *very* edited story - to protect me. He now knows that would have been the absolute wrong thing to do and would have caused more harm. So just make sure your WH knows he must tell you the truth, because it will come out.
As for the sex, I agree that he may need to get tested for low testosterone. But at the end of the day, his cheating had absolutely nothing to do with you or the sex. Nothing.
Make sure you read through the healing library. Have him read through it too and I also suggest you both read Not Just Friends. That was a huge help for me.
Hugs to you...
Ditto what's already been said.
Just another voice here chiming in to offer support.
Most everybody here never thought they'd be sharing anything so searingly personal and painful on written internet post. However, here it's safe (note: a conservative rule of thumb is never share your user ID with your WS...or really anyone...that keeps your oasis protected).
Infidelity was far and away the most painfully isolating thing I've ever experienced in my life...and I've been hit by some doozies. When the person who's supposed to have your back and be your closest confidante turns out to be stabbing you in the back and betraying your confidence...it's a pretty damn desolate feeling.
I can certainly relate to your topic title; when you're consistently told how terribly much you're loved, how lucky your spouse feels to have met you/be with you/married you, and other such affirming things, news of infidelity comes out of left field. I too never had any heartburn with my fwh going out on his own; I never wanted to be one of "those" spouses who expected a complete cessation of any individual plans and friends. (I did, however, expect a complete cessation of outside sex and relationships...silly me, guess I should've specified that to him and not just assumed the marital vows covered it well enough?)
Not Just Friends by Shirley Glass (as has already been recommended) is a very validating book to read; it's at the top of my infidelity reading list.
I can relate to the higher drive/dressing in come-hither attire only to be rejected. The sheer irony of betrayal against that backdrop is confusing, infuriating, damaging, and hurtful. It's NOT YOU. There's a lot of crappola in the media and general company about what infidelity is and isn't about. Get on this side of it and you see the ignorance of the statements and mindsets out there. "Not getting enough at home", "must not have been a happy marriage", all that junk. There are a lot of different "reasons" for infidelity, but they all boil down to broken wanderers. Healthy people don't do soul-crushing things to people they love. Healthy people don't endanger the health of people they love. etc. etc.
I'm so sorry you're here but so glad you found SI. This place is a godsend.
What question should I ask my husband as far a details go? Do i really want to/ need to know certain details in order to make our M work??
Brace yourself. It is extremely likely that you don't have the whole picture. At this point you want to do several things. PUT YOURSELF FIRST. Take care of yourself and your health, take care of your kids, and, if necessary, get to a doctor for short-term antidepressants. They may be necessary to keep you going. Short acting sleep aides, too, if needed.
The Healing Library, also, is a God-send.
Post here as much as needed. SO much cumulative wisdom.
It WASN'T about you. Never was. Easy to say, hard to feel, but true.
You are entitled to know as much as you need to know. You will figure that out along the way. Be careful about what you ask, details, etc. It's hard to forget some things.
You are entitled to total transparency from him and he IS NOT allowed to blameshift or pull the marty routine. There are consequences for his past.
Testing for T is important, you also need to know if he is viewing porn instead of turning to you for sexual gratification. That could be a problem.
Hugs to you. You will get through this. YOU count.
As for what to ask and what details you want to know, that is a personal decision. Some people want to know EVERYTHING and that is their right. If imagining is worse, then by all means, ask for the truth.
Others don't want to know because you can't "unknow" and the details are too much.
I think that MC on your anniversary can be an empowering celebration of the work you are doing to strengthen your marriage.
The thought of her with you His response " i was never with her"
I missed so many signs how can i trust that i havent missed anything else? His responsr " Theres nothing else to tell ive told u everything"
Why am i the one working on this? Im the one who set up MC, and reading books to make it better. His response- he got pissed and said ive been trying to hold this marriage together for years. WTH??? Hes been unhappy for years??? I tried to press this but the baby started crying ( hes sick) so i just got up and told him to stop making me feel bad he fucked someone else. I went and got meds for the baby and WH had his keys and was walking out the door. I told him ur seriously leaving he said he just needed to get away from me for awhile i said fine bc leaving worked so well last time
He sat on the porch for a bit and came back inside to our bed.
Am i pushing to hard?? I just dont know what to do i want to feel better he tells me over and over again he loves me and wants to work this out.
I don't think so.
That is not remorse. MC with a cheater sans remorse is a complete waste of time.
Get this. You can't fix him. He's got to fix himself. Tell him to get IC, and get back with you about the reasons he cheated. What is broken within him?
If you're offering the gift of R, great - but he has to do the work. He has to be the driver of the whole thing. You cannot do it for him.
You. Take care of yourself! Remorse Honesty Transparency NC You need those 4 basic ingredients for successful R.
I'm not sure you have any of them. Yet.
Be strong Cb! We got your back!
He needs to man up, and own what he has done, and that means you get to ask any questions you want, you get to discuss the pain you are feeling, and you get to decide if you want to R or not. If he gets upset or angry because of it, then he isn't sorry for what he did. He may feel bad about it, he may have guilt over it, but real remorse is not met with anger or upset. Trust me. It took us a few times to get R right.
And to answer your question of is it normal for a man to only want to have sex every 10-14 days? No it is not. Unless he is masturbating on a regular basis. Jut like hormone levels can drive our moods, they do mens as well, especially young men. Testosterone pushes the desire for sex or orgasm. If he isn't wanting to have sex that frequently, but when he does it's high quality then I doubt it's a testosterone issue. (IF it is he can take meds, either creams or injections to regulate it).
He has to do the work in IC or on his own to figure out the WHY of his choices. And being drunk and lonley isn't an acceptable answer. We have all been lonely, and most of us drunk, but we didn't choose to F another.
(((((and strength))))
Bullshit. Is he on the pipe?? He crossed the big divide, the line in the sand, broke the marriage contract, etc.
I was a 'details' person. I needed my fwh to not only turn a bright light on what he'd done (eliminating secrets), but to also spell it out and own the details. "I messed around a little" or "we had sex" floats on top of the water, compared to gnarly technicolor details...which require the ws to remember all the specific behavior and complex actions that such statements represent. It's a little harder to do the minimizing thing when you lay it out like that, IMHO.
All that said, from a different angle, your ws may have made his holding-the-marriage-together crack in regard to your PPD. Doesn't make it okay, but it may not have been a statement about general unhappiness for years in the marriage, but rather a blurt-out of pent-up feelings about the PPD times, or when you were working wide-open on your schooling, etc. I'm not saying it relates in magnitude to the atomic bomb he dropped on your marriage, but don't dismiss it entirely either. I'd ask him about it, when things are calmer...or during MC. Generally MC was very helpful for us initially when dealing with topics that might need a referee (aka, someone who was a little more objective).
Remorse can overall be consistent and real yet have little gaffes. It's a process, and I think as much as we BSs arrive here often saying, "I don't know what to do!!" there are genuinely sorry fws's who don't yet know the way to really speak in the language of remorse. Popular media and that damnable institution known as the advice column do nothing to help. Further, reconciliation is itself more often than not best compared to a game of Chutes & Ladders. The occasional hiccup doesn't necessarily derail the train.
tushnurse is so right. I also wonder, in regard to the infrequent sex thing, whether he could be one of those madonna/whore complex guys...you mentioned he'd said his previous relationships had been all about sex and he didn't want that to be the case with your marriage. Hmmm.
You're NOT pushing too hard! The problem seems to lie in the fact he is telling you vs. showing you with his actions. Actions not words. Words mean nothing because by and large we all heard the same words while they were cheating. Actions, like NOT minimizing the scope of his behavior with the OW, are the only thing that hold water now.
edited due to umpteen typos.
[This message edited by sad12008 at 8:48 AM, July 29th (Monday)]
Thank you all for yalls thoughts and advice- it helps me clear my head a little
After our fight last night we went about our days-when i got back home he had written a very long letter in it he explained his unhappiness in our marriage and his failure to address it and his action to cheat on me. He takes full responsibility for his actions and gave me a small time line that he said he will give me more details as i want them since ive told him im not sure what all i want to know.
I just thanked him and told him i appreciated the letter and that there were things in it that made me feel better ( knowing a time line) abd things that scared me ( some of the comments about his unhappyness) but that i didnt want to talk about it right then ( MAJOR lack of sleep)
On a side note I found out that my father in law has had to start testosterone shots for treatment of low testosterone. Is this genetic?? Someone brought up if my husband masterbates regularly and i dont know- i guess i will have to ask him. the MC we are seeing today is a liscensed sex therapist too so maybe those issues can be addressed.
Ive never been to a therapist and am very nervous and dont know what to expect.
