A couple more thoughts, maybe because I wish I'd played my hand differently back when I had little tots and "all" my fwh had done was get caught (by me) in a restaurant/bar with another woman in too cozy a setting...on NYE, no less. I got the "I'm sorry's" and "I didn't do anything, just a couple drinks"... In my case, my gut was right (I learned in '08, a decade later), and she was the only somewhat LTA of his string of OW (I'm guessing availability). At the time I tried to accept his apology, move on, stifle my gut feelings, etc.
The thought of her with you
His response " i was never with her"
Bullshit. Is he on the pipe?? He crossed the big divide, the line in the sand, broke the marriage contract, etc.
I was a 'details' person. I needed my fwh to not only turn a bright light on what he'd done (eliminating secrets), but to also spell it out and own the details. "I messed around a little" or "we had sex" floats on top of the water, compared to gnarly technicolor details...which require the ws to remember all the specific behavior and complex actions that such statements represent. It's a little harder to do the minimizing thing when you lay it out like that, IMHO.
All that said, from a different angle, your ws may have made his holding-the-marriage-together crack in regard to your PPD. Doesn't make it okay, but it may not have been a statement about general unhappiness for years in the marriage, but rather a blurt-out of pent-up feelings about the PPD times, or when you were working wide-open on your schooling, etc. I'm not saying it relates in magnitude to the atomic bomb he dropped on your marriage, but don't dismiss it entirely either. I'd ask him about it, when things are calmer...or during MC. Generally MC was very helpful for us initially when dealing with topics that might need a referee (aka, someone who was a little more objective).
Remorse can overall be consistent and real yet have little gaffes. It's a process, and I think as much as we BSs arrive here often saying, "I don't know what to do!!" there are genuinely sorry fws's who don't yet know the way to really speak in the language of remorse. Popular media and that damnable institution known as the advice column do nothing to help. Further, reconciliation is itself more often than not best compared to a game of Chutes & Ladders. The occasional hiccup doesn't necessarily derail the train.
He has to do the work in IC or on his own to figure out the WHY of his choices. And being drunk and lonley isn't an acceptable answer. We have all been lonely, and most of us drunk, but we didn't choose to F another.
tushnurse is so right. I also wonder, in regard to the infrequent sex thing, whether he could be one of those madonna/whore complex guys...you mentioned he'd said his previous relationships had been all about sex and he didn't want that to be the case with your marriage. Hmmm.
Am i pushing to hard?? I just dont know what to do i want to feel better he tells me over and over again he loves me and wants to work this out.
You're NOT pushing too hard! The problem seems to lie in the fact he is telling you vs. showing you with his actions. Actions not words. Words mean nothing because by and large we all heard the same words while they were cheating. Actions, like NOT minimizing the scope of his behavior with the OW, are the only thing that hold water now.
edited due to umpteen typos.
[This message edited by sad12008 at 8:48 AM, July 29th (Monday)]