They completely think, as well as my WH, that I should just be able to look past this, and be happy,
Because this isn't really reconciliation. That is rugsweeping. It's not their decision when you should or shouldn't be over it. Particularly if the WS isn't doing things to make you feel safe.
Is he being honest? Is he fully transparent? Is he doing things to make himself a safe partner for you? (IC, MC, reading-etc.)
8 months was a tough time for me as well. I really got mired down in anger. IC helped me work through a lot of those issues.
But you don't "move on" You "move through" And it's a long road that is going to take more than 8 months, even with a remorseful spouse.
For me, starting to do things for myself helped me immensely. Not only did it distract me from obsessing over the affair, but it allowed me to find some more joy in my life.
Your situation is very similar to mine. Mine was also my best friend, we had known each other since we were two and our parents were best friends.
DDay was 5 weeks after I had our 4th daughter, all of which she was there for their births.
It took two solid years of HARD work by BOTH myself and my fWH for us to start truly experiencing real reconciliation. My day would start out thinking of her and his betrayal against me and ended when I somehow fell asleep at night.
I have been in IC for almost 3 years now,and we did almost two years of MC.
IC will help you in getting past the hatred and anger you have for your xBFF. MC can help you get through the anger and betrayal from your WH.
One big red flag I see is that your WH thinks you should be able to get past this. Until that thinking changes on his part, I don't think true R is possible with him.
People who have not been through this kind of betrayal have no idea how unbearable it is. So try to get into an IC and MC,because they deal with people who have been through it, and understand the 2-5 year timeline. Your family cannot understand this at all. I found I had to quit talking to my family about it.
I FULLY know the agony. I can tell you with a truly remorseful H, IC and MC, I am in a much better place and OW/xBFF only crosses my mind every once in a while, and 95% of me doesn't hate her with my entire being anymore.
Dont let others tell you should be "over it".
God i hate that. I've heard it myself too.
Your triggers will lessen in intensity and frequency, but there is nothing you can really do to stop them altogether.
what worked for me a lot was a big red stop sign. Mental one of course. when i was triggered or having negative thoughts, i would throw it up. Huge one!! Put my thoughts on something else that was positive.
While you have to work on your triggers, there are things he could be doing to make this easier for you.
is he doing anything you need to heal??
We were going to IC to the same counselor. She convinced him that we are not ready for MC together. We need to be more stable in our marriage, before MC should be started. I've continued to tell him I want MC, but he refuses. How the hell does he get to refuse?
Also his sister has told him, based on what he has told her, that I am basically " irrational" bc of how upset I am over the affair, and that maybe he should move out and we should seperate. I feel like I'm alone in this, and that no one that knows what we're going through, understands how hurt I am, and that I'm indeed not "irrational". I'm freaking hurt and devastated. That's what I am.
I told fWH ON dday that we were going to MC if he wanted this to work. He said whatever I needed. The next day I found an MC and within 3 days of dday we were in a session. He should agree to MC,and you can make it part of the R that you require.
He can only refuse what you let him refuse. You do not have to stay in the marriage if you don't want to. For some people, affairs are true dealbreakers. So, if he cannot agree to your requirements of R,then get healthy for yourself so you do not have to live in hell for the rest of your life.
It seems you have no one in your life that will support your grief, so you will have to work it out between IC, hopefully MC,and this website. You have to take the reins on your healing, because truly, no one else can do it for us.
Just yesterday, I was crying (hadn't in about a month btw) and asked him how in the world he expected me to move on from this. So, I totally feel where you're coming from. Except, my rage is finally residing. For now. lol. Sending warm thoughts and compassionate hugs to you!
For me, anger is pretty much a sign that I want something to be different. I really want to not be a BS, but I can't get away from it. No matter how angry I get, I'm still a BS. It was pretty easy for me to look underneath my anger and find mainly grief, with a little fear.
If you're really feeling sad or scared, it might help to express that rather than anger.
BTW, of the past 31 months, I've spent 2-3 of them thinking I felt sad when I was actually angry. Go figure.
[This message edited by sisoon at 12:52 PM, July 29th (Monday)]