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8 months since dday. How on earth is reconciliation possible??

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HeartbrokenMomTx posted 7/26/2013 13:38 PM

It's been 8 months since dday, and most days, I feel like it just happened the other day. All I feel like I do now is just repress my feelings and anger, and just try to get through one more day. How is reconciliation possible when I still have SO much anger towards him and my ex-best friend? Not a day goes by that I don't relive that day, and how much I was betrayed.
We have 3 small children together, which are the only reasons why I'm trying to reconcile. But there are many days, most days, that I just wish I could pack up all of his crap and kick him out.
My family, and his family that knows about it, just basically expect that I should be over this and that I need to move on. They completely think, as well as my WH, that I should just be able to look past this, and be happy, which just infuriates me even more.
Everything triggers my anger and sadness. How the hell do you move on and get to reconciliating?

heartache101 posted 7/26/2013 13:42 PM


I highly recommend therapy with EMDR therapy. It will allow you to look at the situation with less frequency and less in your face daily.

I am so sorry everyone thinks you should be just over it. We all heal with time. Has he done anything to make you feel safe in your marriage??

1Faith posted 7/26/2013 14:43 PM


You had a double betrayal and you have a new baby to boot. You are NOT going to just get over it. And anyone that tells you that you have my permission to smack them upside the head. No, really.

You never ever expected this. Nothing can prepare you for this.

This is not "irreconcilable differences". This is bigger and way worse than you ever thought possible. This is ultimate betrayal. This has hurt you deep to the core. This has shaken everything that you thought you were, made you question everything that you have ever done.

No one can or will really understand unless they have been through it. And even then, every situation is different.

You do not need to "move on" or "get over it". You need to heal. Healing takes time. Healing takes work. Healing takes patience. You have just been run over by an emotional Mac Truck. You are broken mentally and emotionally.

Your family and friends do not see the injuries, but they are there. And it takes the same amount of time and work to heal from this as it does from a bad auto accident and you just had a baby too. You are tired, worn out and exhausted. (((BIG HUGS)))

IMO, you do need to talk about it. Write about it. You will not "get over" this a couple months or even a year. You WILL begin to heal, but you it takes a long time to heal completely. Cry and scream and beat up the garbage can.

Get your anger and disappointment and hurt out.

Do not stuff it down just because someone else expects you to.

This healing time is YOUR time. It is your time to take control of your life and your own emotions and healing. You own it and you get to decide how it will work and how long it will take to heal.

Has your husband shown any remorse? Are you sure there is NC? Is IC possible for you?

I am so sorry you are still hurting. Hug that baby and know that we are all here for you.

damaged71 posted 7/26/2013 14:54 PM


1faith hit the nail on the head. You just have to live through this and nothing makes it go away. If you repress it just builds and comes out eventually. You'll think you "have it beat" for a while and it'll come back.

You know what does help though. The WS taking ownership of what happened and doing everything they can to help you heal.

If your WS isn't doing that get used to more of the same. Tell him if he wants to help you get he'll read "how to help your spouse heal from infidelity". My WS finally read it and realized that she was doing the opposite of everything it said to do. She started to own things and it got better.

I think I am in a good place and have been for a while. I am 16 months out and don't think about it everyday. I assure you at 8 months it's all I thought about. All day every day.

I finally realized that there isn't an "us". I have an identity that doesn't involve her. She is who I am married to but she is not an part of my identity, if that makes any sense. Once I knew I'd be ok no matter what things got better.

I am sure I explained that poorly but rest assured there is light at the end of the tunnel. If your WS doesn't make some fundamental changes the light will be a train.

Daddo posted 7/26/2013 15:23 PM

So long as your WH thinks you should just be able to get over it, you won't be able to.

Before you can get over it, you will need to see that he really understands the pain that he caused and the damage that he did. When you believe that he gets it - thats the day you start getting over it.

Ask him to spend time in the WS forum. Don't read his posts - or ask him to read yours. Just get him into a space where he starts to see the damage and the pain that everyone goes through from infidelity. Then maybe he will stop thinking of you as some damaged kook and accept that you really have been deeply hurt - a hurt as real and and as harmful as a major physical trauma.

HeartbrokenMomTx posted 7/26/2013 18:39 PM

Thanks so much for all the wonderful advice. You guys are awesome.

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