SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

I wrote in a thread yesterday about the fact that my wife still refuses to allow me access to her cell phone, facebook, and purse. She told me she has been like this all her life. She doesn't let her mom, sister, nor brothers, into her stuff. I told her it looks like she is trying to hide something and she told be "before, I did have something to hide, not anymore". Are there any other people here that are the same way? What I mean is, is there anyone here that does not like anyone in their stuff, even if they have nothing to hide?

I can't stand for anyone to be in my purse or look thru my email or facebook.

It is an invasion of privacy a privacy I have earned to have I have not cheated....

But I understand the need to be assured I am not cheating. For those reasons I allow looking when I am there and not behind my back. Does that help?

I try to take it as a compliment that he cares enough to look.

Even if she is truly someone who doesn't like her stuff looked through, she sort of lost that right when she had an affair.

People with nothing to hide don't hide things from people they have betrayed. They are a fully open book, transparent through and through, and have a full understanding that everything they have and do will be scrutinized for the sake of their BS's sanity. If she wants to earn your trust, she will allow you to access these things.

Seems like a red flag to me.

When my H said it to me, he was still lying. So sorry to say that. Now, I think he really DOESN'T like people in his stuff, but he tells me now that all of this things are open for me to look at whenever I want (and I do occassionally). However, when he has the attitude that he's an open book, it ironically makes me a lot less likely to even want to look.

Make sense? Even if it makes her uncomfortable, she should be willing to set that aside to help you.

I hate my H going through my purse or car but that's mostly because I don't want him to judge how messy they are.

[This message edited by JanaGreen at 2:06 PM, July 26th (Friday)]

Yes. Me. and I'm the BS not WS.

I wondered why. It took some thinking and self-honesty for me to admit it was walls, protecting myself, not feeling I could fully trust the one I was with.

My partner is the same way

I'd happily hand over every single one of my passwords, I've tried actually and he said he doesn't want them.

I make sure I stay signed in to facebook, email etc so if he happens to be on my computer and wants to check it out he can.

I've had the same conversations...saying the same things. It feels like they are hiding when they are not being transparent.. but my partner has NEVER been transparent.

I feel he should PROVE his "honesty" by providing me what I need for reassurance and proof.. but in the end I always end up WRONG and Overreacting and he always ends up saying "I can't ever do anything right, I'm not good enough for you" blah blah blah. I'm sick of hearing it..so I gave up trying to get access.

Our last conversation went like this:

Me: You expect me to give you blind faith, I've given you blind faith for YEARS and look where it has gotten me..affair after affair. 3 STD's.. so much heart ache and pain, so much embarrassment. You should be doing this for ME.

His Response: It's your choice to stay with me, you know I am a private person. I do so much for you, you have NO IDEA

Me: You are right, my faith is all blind, why don't you TELL ME what you are doing, how you are struggling so I know.

Him: *que shut down* I'll never be good enough for you, I never do anything right. I am a failure, just leave me and go date your doctor.

*Side note, on the doctor thing... We were broken up for a year and I dated a doctor for a while, he found out through friends and now throws it in my face ALL THE FREAKING TIME that he will never make the kinda money that the doctor makes etc.. It's ridiculous.

You may be but only you will know with time.

I know for me full access/transparency was a deal breaker.He could have his email/FB/cell or he could have me - simple choice.

I have no problem with my H looking through anything of mine at anytime, with or without me there or knowing about it. I have nothing to hide, I just want him to put everything back like he found it when he's done so I can find my chapstick!

I don't like my kids going through my purse looking for things though, because the chapstick ALWAYS disappears.

Seriously though, if we can't be open, transparent, and honest with our WS's, then how can we expect the same from them? It's a two way street, and if we wouldn't want to have them standing right there and watching us go through their email, then why should we expect them to have us stand by them and watch them go through ours? That's just a double standard, regardless of if one partner cheated or not. When you're married, the "two become one".... you can't have secrets from yourself, so you can't (shouldn't) have secrets from each other.

IMO.

People who have nothing to hide, hide nothing.

in regards to my H, he can go through my phone, purse etc.

Do I always like it? No. Do i sometimes feel sad that he has to look? Yes. Do i let him do it anyway? ABSOLUTELY.

There has only been one time period when I did not want my husband in my purse, going through my glovebox, checking my phone, using my phone, etc. It was when I was having an A.

Prior to that it never bothered me at all. Even if it was someone that was a private person..he gave up the right to that privacy when he shared privacy with another person besides his spouse, IMO

I think I read this on this web site?

Privacy is closing the door when you poop. Secrets are not sharing all forms of communications.

There should not be any secrets anymore! Even though I am a BS and have not cheated, I have said things that I would be ashamed of or hurtful to my W. Therefore my commitment moving forward is complete openness by both of us.

Honestly? Transparency would be a deal breaker for me. I don't share my phone/computer/what have you with my parents or brother or whoever, but my husband? Sure, no problem! And after his A, had he not opened everything up? Gone.

Those with nothing to hide, hide nothing.

Both my FWH and I are very private people. He hesitates to go through my purse even when something one of us needs is in it, and I explicitly say, "Just get it from my purse." Until suspecting the A, it never occurred to me to go through his work bag, either. And neither of us would have dreamed of reading each other's e-mail unless specifically invited to do so (as in, "Hey! Look what Aunt Joan sent!"). We never open each other's snail mail, either.

The A changed everything. I was tracking phone usage, checking browser history, going through his bag on a regular basis, and then finally cracked a secret e-mail account and read every single message (over 600). I felt dirty doing all these things, but I knew they had to be done, because I had to know the truth.

After D-Day, FWH gave me all his passwords. "I don't like it, but I understand why it's necessary," he said. He even asked me to send him an invitation for the "Find Friends" app on the iPhone--something he had felt was "creepy" in the past. "I don't want you to wonder whether I'm really at work or not," he said.

In return, I volunteered my password information, too. I felt it was necessary for transparency to be a two-way street. (I might have felt differently if FWH hadn't been remorseful and determined to R from the beginning.)

Transparency has to be the way to go from now on. Betrayers have no right to privacy, and a WS who resists is not fully committed to R. People who have a high need for privacy just have to suck it up and do it. Tough.

I don't know if she is being honest or not.

And neither do you.

That's the point. You used to believe her just because she told you something was true. She abused that and has now lost trust.

What are her suggestions on how you are supposed to trust her again, if she keeps things still hidden? Trust her saying she isn't hiding anything?

I'm sure no one likes to have there things gone through and scrutinized. But as someone already said, she lost that priveledge of privacy when she had an affair.

As someone who went through it twice, meaning 2 Ddays with the same woman that he was supposedly not seeing for the next 5 months after the first Dday, I have to say I would SO have a red flag up if I were in your shoes. It's not to say there's anything going on, but she's not giving you any reason to trust her.

The way my husband was about me looking through his things then and the way he is now is so opposite. He made a big deal out of me snooping before and since I really didn't think there was anything to find and didnt want to upset him, I backed way off after a month or so. Big mistake. It was around that time that he reconnected with her.

After second Dday he became a different person. He said he was relieved he could leave his phone around and not worry about me seeing anything. He's seen me with his laptop and had no reaction whatsoever other than the fact that he needed it. Didn't even ask why I was on it (since I have my own).

When I think back to his behavior before and now, I can see the difference and I know I can trust him now. Wow. That's kind if hard to actually say, cause there's a teeny grain of doubt I suppose. Gee, I wonder why. I do still check up on him every now and then but I think I just drive myself more crazy than anything else when I do.

So yeah, she lost her right to privacy plain and simple. For now anyway.

I get her desire for privacy. My W & I never opened each other's mail or looked at each other's email before D-Day, although neither was hidden, and both were accessible to both of us. Text msgs were critical parts of the A, but before D-Day I had no clue, since I couldn't conceive of doing anything important or private via text.

She cheated. She lied. How can she expect her words to be believed? If she wants to rebuild trust, how else can she do it except by making her life an open book - and that means opening up her phone, FB, pocketbook, and everything else she's got?

Keeping secrets would be a deal killer for me. I can't see staying in an M with someone I mistrust, and a W who won't give me access to phone, FB, email, etc., is saying, 'Do not trust me.'

Definitely a deal breaker.

So it makes her uncomfortable...so what? Her A ruined your life.

If she can't prove she has nothing to hide, maybe she does.

I didn't read very many responses, but coming from a BS. Um, NO, they. lost. their. privacy. because. they. continued. to lie to the single person they were committed to in life.

I think they have to earn that back after any type of A.

Even if she is truly someone who doesn't like her stuff looked through, she sort of lost that right when she had an affair.

My husband used this line too, although in the 2.5 years we've been together he has never been this private. So that's bullshit. And even if it wasn't, as the above poster stated, the right to privacy is diminished (revoked?) when you give someone a reason not to trust you.

I'd happily hand over every single one of my passwords, I've tried actually and he said he doesn't want them.

Yes! I keep tellking my husband this! I will give him a list of every password I have anywhere. Access to my phone bills, e-mail, Facebook, text messages. Well I haven't cheated, and I know he knows this, so of course he doesn't want them. But now that he's admitted to an EA, he still won't let me in, and that tells me he's still hiding something. I hate it.