We share some of the same feelings. And I've written on SI some of the same questions. So I will try to respond and be not so long as usual.
A few things come to mind. Some have told me-in virtual life-that nearly Exh is angry in general and doesn't hide it when he interacts with me. He made these awful decisions for his life and self. Some are working and some are not and so anger is coming across at me as he also doesn't feel the need to "protect me" or "keep the peace" like when he lived here.
Another aspect is that he is a passive aggressive and now that he is not near me physically, he feels free to lash out. He didn't have the guts when he lived here to just tell me what he felt and thought an bottled it up, as is his way, but now that he hides behind electronics and lawyers and other people, he feels like "big man", it's a feeling as if he thinks he got away with something. He also has OW and family to urge him on.
Some people also tell me it may be because you don't put up with his shenanigans anymore and neither do I. The blinders are off now for us and they know that and may not like it because we can't be tricked anymore.
I don't think you're wrong for wanting your WH to admit he hurt you, I did too. I finally heard it over cyber space and also receive "I'm sorry's", but FWIW the words feel hollow and meaningless when he is still changing our lives and could stop it.
When he knew the pain he would cause and left anyway, no amount of "I'm sorry" is going to be a big enough band aid now and it's strange to admit that, because I ached to hear the words, too.
Yes, I've felt like nearly Exh must hate me also, but you know hate would mean he put towards me some kind of emotion and thought and I think he probably doesn't even think of me in the least. He probably hates hearing from me if he does, but hate would be investing emotion in me and I don't think he's capable or caring enough to hate me...that would take effort.
I'm sorry that your WH is showing anger and hope you can figure out how to brush it off quicker. I can't say that nearly Exh's anger doesn't bug me, but I'm getting better at getting past the emotion it brings me and getting over it sooner.
I don't know if I helped at all and sorry I wrote so much, but I read a lot of similarities in your post and some I've written. Sorry if I repeated, my brain is foggy.
You gave me nothing and now it's all I've got - Bono
A person is a person, no matter how small. -Dr. Suess
Perserverance and spirit have done wonders in all ages.
I think it's normal to want him to apologize and be sorry for hurting you. But waiting around for it to happen is giving him power over you.
...my XH's complete lack of remorse was a reflection on what kind of a person he is. Not a reflection on me or what I am worth.
What gives him the right to be mad at me for wanting a better life?
It isn't a right - it is his attempt to keep control. You said it yourself -you hate it when people are mad at you...He knows that. He is just trying to push that button again.
It will confuse and frustrate him that it no longer works, because what you are describing is a man without empathy. He can't be happy for you - your feelings don't really matter - only his do.
fubar - that is never going to make sense to you. You aren't going to get it, cause you aren't built that way. You know how I know? You are struggling and confused to feel residual loyalty to someone who you loved, even after learning he was a liar and cheat. That's the mark of a normal human being, working her way through this mirror maze of infidelity. When you hit indifference you'll know you've come out the other side of the maze.
I have to let my thinking become kind of abstract, "out of the box", because nearly ExH was in this box in my mind and on a very high pedestal. It was both of our faults...me for being na´ve and him for being deceitful...and stupid.
Once I could accept that he is not the person I thought, I could begin to clear my head.
I think I was in a state of fog for a long time, not wanting to believe things people were saying and I was seeing on the computer, but it was right there...he did it, really and truly, did it...the shock is so tremendous that sometimes it took people actually yelling at me because they were worried he would hurt me/us again.
Something that hit me like a stone on the head, is to realize that just because I am faithful, doesn't mean he was doing it back. It was a little na´ve of me to think that I would be treated as I wanted to, I know that now.
I don't know why people change and yet I do and I think it's because I don't understand the levels of selfishness that it truly takes to simply and completely just...walk away.
I find that I cannot understand actions that I would not do myself.
I am glad for your new relationship, Fubar, and hope it will go the way you hope.
The. Another realization hit: I am not responsible for him being mad, that is his choice. He always chose anger, but I could choose to walk away. And when I did-WOW I felt so empowered.
My mantra from that time was "He will either get over it or die angry, it's his choice". And it is.