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Still reeling

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StunnedBeyBelief posted 7/26/2013 14:51 PM

My husband of 30 years informed me after dinner he was going to the strip bar to look at naked breasts and have a few beers, because he was having a rough week. He emphatically insisted that it was no big deal and nothing was going on that he was experiencing a midlife crisis and he was telling me so I would not worry about where he was. So he went, leaving me standing in a restaurant parking lot completely shocked, hurt and unsure of what was going on. This was 6 days ago, since that time he has come clean spordically about the 25 year old stripper he is exploring a relationship with( yes he had unprotected sex with her). He intends to meet with her on his next trip in two weeks to spend time and get to know each other. It doesn't matter that I'm not o.k. with this, he freely admits he knows this. He has uttered every conceivable cliche regarding this ridiculous situation; he says we've grown apart, we've changed, my weight has contributed to his lack of desire, he can't get any closure unless he goes and explores the relationship he has built with "her". He sees the future options as we continue as we are, or we continue with him residing in the back bedroom, or we continue in some hallicinatory bliss. When he started speaking about how it didn't matter because he didn't expect to live much longer I asked him to go to a therapist and get some help which he has initiated in the last 4 days. I just can't get my mind around how this horrible, self-absorbed,totally wrecked emotionally nightmare of a human being can be the man I've been married to all this time. I'm not saying it has been lollipops and roses, but I have been a faithful, loving wife. He has been a hard-working provider. We are very good together and I can't believe that my future path in life is being affected or influenced by a 25 year old possible hooker's whims toward my husband. What's more that he thinks that he will come back and deliver his decision as if he is the only person with any thing to say about this. I haven't had time to do much more than cry, question, cry and try and snap out of my complete disbelief over this. What should I be doing? I don't know.

Thank you for reaching out with your responses, you have given me validation regarding the position I am in. I did move a little money to my savings(he has no access) when the story was "strip clubs to blow off steam" and I moved a bigger chunk when the story changed to " I can't give up this relationship, I'm going to see her and get to know her better(yes he gave her money). I told him he had to stop all contact with her, and at the time of my last post he would not agree. So, yesterday I did find my way to the 180 post, and it helped clear my head a lot. I already made it clear he was going to have to take care of himself, preparing food etc. So last night I went to a movie I wanted to see and came home and went for a dip in the pool. I took the steps to start living for me. As I was preparing to go to bed WS came in and said he had time during the day to think this through and he decided to break off contact with this OP, he arranged for a full testing for STD's, he says he wants to work on what can be with us. So here I am still reeling, this is what I wanted, him to break all contact and take a step back into our marriage. Yet this roller coaster is leaving me scrambled. I know I need to protect myself, right now he is guilt ridden and remorseful and seems to have finally shared all the gory details, has made it clear financially he was never going to desert me. O.K. I know I'm rambling and I need to focus on one step at a time. This is what I know- his craziness is not my fault, I am a good person, I love myself enough to have a life that I enjoy. I am very thankful for this forum- I found it less than 24 hours ago and yet it is holding me up as I try to wade through this murky mess. Thank you.

[This message edited by StunnedBeyBelief at 8:05 AM, July 27th (Saturday)]

seekingright2013 posted 7/26/2013 16:28 PM


First off, this is NOT your fault. Your husband's broken. Nothing in the marriage justifies cheating.

Take a look at the Healing Library -- it's in the upper left hand corner. Lots of good info there.

Make sure you are taking care of YOU. Eat, drink, rest, go see the dr. for meds if you need to -- anti-depressants, anti-anxiety, sleep aids, whatever you think might help. It's OK. You've been through major trauma.

More folks will be along to chime in shortly.

Skan posted 7/26/2013 17:35 PM

Hey there. Welcome. I know that you never wanted to have the reason to come and find us, but I am SO glad that you DID find us because we are all here to support you. We have all walked and are walking the path of shit that you are now on.

I know that you're in shock and can barely function. That's normal. Your WH has just thrown a nuclear bomb into your marriage. Yeah, there might have been a few termites and the front porch may have needed to be replaced, but instead of tenting and re-building, he chose to bomb the place into a stinking hole in the ground and is insisting that this is a normal thing to do.

Please. Listen. He has announced to you that you are now his fallback position. He has announced to you that he is going to go out and boink his hooker. He has announced that he has decided that a marriage can consist of three. Screw that. This isn't a time to be nice.

Go find yourself a lawyer. Find out what your legal rights are. Here is a link to the 180: Implement it. There is no room in a marriage for three. Tell him that if he chooses to continue to commit adultery, then he has chosen to leave the marriage and you will act accordingly. You don't get to "date" when you're a married man. If he continues seeing her, have him served with papers, petition for sole use of the house, and start separating your finances. Heck, if he goes on that trip with a joint credit card, I'd call the bank and report it as lost about 10 minutes after his plane leaves the ground! But do not for one instant let him think that him deciding to act the traitorous fool is OK with you.

(((hugs))) You're going to have to be very strong at a time when you don't feel that way at all. Please come back often for support.

Tearsoflove posted 7/26/2013 18:08 PM

I know this is sudden but since he insists on involving himself with a stripper, you need to get yourself to a lawyer before he spends everything you have. It is likely she is using him for money and since he is not making sound decisions, a lawyer, at this moment, is necessary to protect your future.

cissi posted 7/26/2013 18:21 PM

Even before seeing the lawyer, I would take at least half of every bank account you have and open a new account with just your name on it. Strippers are notorious for finding older men on the side to financially drain.

I'm so very sorry you are going through this.

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