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Help! I don't want to screw this up

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knightsbff posted 7/26/2013 16:39 PM

I met my AP through an activity that my DD21 was involved in when she was in HS. It's an activity that my two youngest kids also enjoy and that I have coached them both in.

The AP is no longer involved in any age group that would include any of my kids. His kid is 5 years younger than my youngest and he may be involved at that level, I have no idea really. He stepped down from involvement other than with his kid after his dday. I did the same.

My DD14 is starting HS and has said that she doesn't want to be involved any more. I was glad to hear it as the activity is a trigger for BH (understandably).

She just announced out of the blue that she wants to play after all. Then DS9 stared talking about how it is his "thing"and he loves it more than anything.

I just mentioned to BH last night that it's almost time to sign up for the Fall and he said he would prefer if DS doesn't play...

Now DD has announced she wants to play and BH is obviously very upset. We haven't had a chance to talk yet as the announcement occurred while we are driving to go to a party for DS'.

Please help me not screw this up. I want to support my BH. I know my kids may have consequences because of my horrible choices but we live in a small town and there is not much going on here for them. How can I explain it to them if we aren't letting them play?

Edit: iPad....

[This message edited by knightsbff at 4:43 PM, July 26th (Friday)]

Kelany posted 7/26/2013 17:14 PM

Can your kids be involved without you being active with it?

knightsbff posted 7/26/2013 17:20 PM

I would be fine with that but it doesn't sound like BH will. This is the mess I made and I feel like I need to handle it I just can't figure out how.

Kelany posted 7/26/2013 17:41 PM

Hmmm. This is such a tough call. I know for us, our kids already have suffered so much due to fwh's affairs. As a BS and mother I can see both sides. Not wanting the kids to suffer, but also worrying about triggers.

Ultimately I would defer to your BH, however, could you guys discuss his triggers at length, a possible game planif you were to allow the kids, his fears, validating his feelings, etc.

For me at least, it comes down to communication with my fwh, him acknowledging me, and coming up with a plan about triggers.

knightsbff posted 7/26/2013 17:50 PM

You're right. We need to talk it out and in the end I'm going to support him however he decides.

I just felt the panic when it all happened. He's calmed down now. I have to think of the right way to bring it up.

Sal1995 posted 7/26/2013 18:51 PM

BH perspective here. Let the kids play, your BH needs to dig down deep inside and find a way to deal. And I'm not unsympathetic - a couple of months back while this stuff was still very raw I had to sit through a dinner / dance recital my daughter was in, just a few tables down from my wife's affair confidante. A lady who basically hates her husband but is so unattractive an affair wasn't an option for her, so she lived vicariously through my wife's misadventures. She provided my wife the cover she needed to have the affair. It was tough and it was all I could do to not turn over every table in the place. But I survived it.

I think adults have to do everything in their power not to screw things up for kids. Actions have consequences, but the consequences should be limited to the adults to the extent possible. Your BH didn't ask for this and doesn't deserve it, but he was part of a marriage that, for whatever reason, went dysfunctional. The kids are not part of the marriage and its dysfunctions. Between your BH and the kids, he should bear the brunt of your choice to step outside the marriage. And I'm all too aware how unfair it is, but this experience has taught me that "fair" has very little to do with life.

Regardless, I hope things work out for the best.

knightsbff posted 7/26/2013 22:07 PM

Thanks Samantha and Sal.

I hate that I've put my BH in this position. You're right Sal, there's nothing fair about it.

I think I can see some of what is going through my BH's head. He will be expected (by small town society, his and my parents, etc.) to support his kids (watch them play). He will be triggered horribly by being there, the AP and his BW may cross our paths at times.

He still worries that I will run into the AP around our small town some time. I have assured him I would never speak or even make eye contact but how we know what my words are worth... (And rightly so.)

Just more suckiness for us to deal with especially even having to ask him to make this choice.

Wonderingwhy11 posted 7/29/2013 02:15 AM

The kids are tough. You don't want them to change their activities to avoid situations that are uncomfortable for you and BS.

You need to talk about how important the activity is to your children, figure out if there is alternatives that do not include AP and if not have a plan on how you will handle this activity together. The last thing you want is to have the kids drop an activity because of the AP being there - as painful as it is to the BS we sometimes have to suck it up for the sake of the children. My advice is make sure your BS knows you understand how hard this is for him and you are truly sorry putting him through this.

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