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Please help...lost and confused

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DCP21 posted 7/26/2013 16:40 PM

Please help...lost and confused

I have been married for 26 years and have 2 kids. To make a long story short, within the past few months I discovered that my husband has basically cleaned out his retirement account, opened a secret bank account 3 years ago, bought a boat, and has registered with numerous online sex/dating/escort websites within the past year. He doesn't know that I know about any of this. Iím not putting all the blame on him as I know it takes two to make a marriage, but Iím also not taking the blame for his actions, only my own. I just feel so alone and need some advice.

Our marriage has been strictly platonic for almost 10 years. I had a hysterectomy in 2004 and then suffered serious migraines and developed Fibromyalgia. Unfortunately I could not do hormone replacement therapy, and loss of libido was a result. We have been more or less like roommates and friends since then. I thought we were both relatively OK with the status quo, but apparently I was wrong. I know most of you can't understand the "no sex" thing and will condemn me for it, and on one level I get it. However, I've been a great wife and mother in all other ways, and we've always been best friends. But now he's told SO many lies in trying to cover up the things he's done. Wiped out his retirement, opened secret bank account, secret credit card, secret email account, etc. I'm not sure I would ever be able to trust him again.

I just don't know what to do. Do I confront him with all of my proof of his financial infidelity? I don't honestly think he's yet committed physical infidelity, but he's definitely been mentally cheating since he's registered on single dating and sex websites. This is completely eating me up. Our daughter is getting married at the end of August, so I don't want to do anything until after that. I will not ruin her wedding!!

I know how unfair it has been for him regarding being in a sexless marriage, so I never said anything about the porn. I get it. However, we have never actually had a conversation about it. I didnít realize until recently how superficial and letís-sweep-everything-under-the-rug weíve become. We generally get along fine. He doesn't act like he wants a divorce, we talk about things we want to do when we retire, etc, like he has no plans to leave or anything.

I need help and advice! What should I do?

Jrazz posted 7/26/2013 16:52 PM

First of all, you need a lawyer. He obviously has no concern about leaving both of you, or at least you, penniless.


Marital issues are one thing, infidelity is another - and you've got financial infidelity on top of this.

***Sorry, hit Submit too soon!

You are not alone here. I would wait for others to come by with advice about showing him the evidence, as he's likely to deny everything. I also wouldn't be too sure that he hasn't met up with anyone physically. I know it's scary to think about, but most of these case-scenarios lead there and that piece is just harder to prove.

Take care of yourself and keep posting. This is NOT your fault. We're here for you to give you strength and get you where you need to go.

Sending hugs.

[This message edited by Jrazz at 4:55 PM, July 26th (Friday)]

painpaingoaway posted 7/26/2013 17:07 PM

Hi DCP, welcome.

I don't honestly think he's yet committed physical infidelity
my guess is that you are very very wrong about this. A man does not go to the trouble to register on sex sites, hide everything, and wipe out his retirement account if he is not getting any sex. And you can take that to the bank.

He is either spending all his money on prostitutes, or possibly setting up an apartment with a mistress, or an apartment for himself possibly planning his getaway to possibly divorce.

It is terribly important for you to see a lawyer immediately. Like yesterday. Please please protect yourself. I understand that you do not want to upset the apple cart before the wedding, and that is probably wise. BUT, you must see a lawyer and start gathering any and all evidence of what he is doing.

Also start gathering all financial info. Make copies of everything. Do not let your H know what you are doing. Be extremely careful.

See your doc for a mild tranquilizer to keep you calm while dealing with this.

See a lawyer. See a lawyer. See a lawyer.

I am so sorry.

Oh, and quit taking the blame for your husbands actions. If he was unhappy with the marriage, he should have addressed it with you openly rather than sneaking around.

Stay strong.

doggiemom12 posted 7/26/2013 20:13 PM

See. A. Lawyer. ASAP.

Copy all the financial documents you can find. Try and get some of the money into an account only you can access. Get out of all joint credit cards.

You need to stop the bleeding and you need to do it NOW. Do not wait. He will leave you with nothing.

DCP21 posted 8/1/2013 11:56 AM

I have all the financials together, all the proof I've found of the missing retirement money, and printed off the web pages of where he registered on sex sites. I still haven't confronted him yet - waiting until after daughter's wedding. I'm still just so confused. I'm almost positive that he hasn't actually physically cheated yet. We both work 8-5, M-F. He's always home by 5:15, doesn't hardly get any calls or texts at night, and is always home on the weekends. He doesn't work with any women. So, is it still cheating by just registering with sex sites? I think it is, but would like other opinions. I'm just really struggling with maintaining a faÁade for the next month or so, and don't have any one I can talk to about this. Some days I think I'm going to crack.

LivingALie posted 8/1/2013 12:22 PM

See, here's the thing - thats like signing up for your favorite shopping website and always going back and looking but never buying anything? That's pretty unlikely.

If you don't think he's actually cheated - exactly what DO you think he's doing?

As for him being at work M-F 9-5 - believe me, he can get away from work without your knowing - there are always meetings where he can't answer the phone - vacation days he doesn't tell you about.

Don't think just because he's home every night or that his routine hasn't changed - means anything. If he's determined - he'll find a way.

Your question about signing up for sex sites and whether or not its cheating - I would say its deceitful behavior and which will escalate.

Please take everyone's advice - see a lawyer.

Skan posted 8/1/2013 13:48 PM

My FWH conducted his ONS during working hours. He took a long lunch, went to a hotel, screwed someone he met on AFF (an online dating site), cleaned up, and went back to work, then met me that evening just as we had planned. 5 days before that, he had met his AP during lunch at a Starbucks so that, I guess, they could see if each other showed up with an axe or not. So the fact that he gets home every night at the same time means nothing. And if he's staying up late with his computer, he is probably paying some online sex star to have a back and forth mutual masterbation session at the least.

It's cheating. And he has just blown your retirement. You are in deep trouble. You really need to see a lawyer right now, lay out all of your evidence, and do what the lawyer says to do or you are likely going to find yourself pennyless. I cannot stress this enough right now, as much as your heart is bleeding over your sexual betrayal, you need to take care of the financial infidelity that he has committed ASAP, upcoming wedding or not. (((hugs)))

DCP21 posted 8/1/2013 14:04 PM

Thank you for your advice. That's what I was thinking! I need to go get ALL my ducks in a row.

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