do you still hate the OM/OW?
"What did you expect? I am a scorpion."
But hate her? Nah. She's pitiful. That she can marry my ex after meeting him on Ashley Madison and think that he's some kind of great meal ticket for herself and her kids is totally pathetic. She has no job, no degree... she's just gone from one negative marriage to another (which she'll discover at some point). I also pity her kids-- it must suck to have such a selfish woman for a mother.
Now my X, I still hate him. But then he still hurts my DD.
It is a process, but it can be done and for me it was incredibly freeing.
Unfortunately, I DO still hate the OW. She and STBXH have broken up, but I still hate her for what she did to me and my children. And yes, I realize STBXH is to blame also, and I still hate him for it too.
I would love to be at the point of indifference, but I'm not. OW (and STBXH) destroyed my family when my youngest was only 4 months old. Mine and my kids' world changed in an instant. How do you stop hating people who could do something so heartless?
Then I don't think about them any more.
The ow with my college ex fiancÚ? I don't hate her. I feel sorry for her- and also admire her for calling the cops when he hit her. That's something I wish I had done.
The ow who was with my DD's dad? It's been 4 years. I still have a restraining order, so she isn't part of my life or my daughter's life at all. The majority of the time, I don't think of her at all, she isn't even a blimp on my radar.
But even after 4 years, I still don't consider her a human being. I hear about her every now and then again, and I smile when I hear that she is having a rough time. I have never considered myself as a hateful, vengeful person- but this ow...if I could murder her and have no consequences for doing so, I would. I wouldn't bat an eyelash or lose one moment of sleep. She disgusts me.
She disgusts me. I don't like her, I don't approve of her actions or her behavior. The fact that she sets herself up as a caring adult in my children's lives makes me roll my eyes every single time.
My youngest asked me this same question. Do I hate OW? I answered him with the truth. I don't hate her. But I don't like her. I will never like her. We won't be friends or friendly. But I am not going to pull her hair, spit in her general direction, key her car or otherwise embarrass myself or my kids.
At this point, if a voodoo doll could cause her absolute pain within my control, I don't think I would exercise that power. Shortly after dday? I'd have set that bitch on fire. Now? eh, she's pitiful enough all by herself.
Not anymore. I don't hate any of them. I think they are horrible, hideous people but I don't hate them. They didn't do this to me or my family - if it wasn't them it would have been be someone else, some other low hanging fruit who was willing and in proximity.
I do hate it that OWUmpteen is in my girls lives. I hate it that she shares time with them that I feel has been stolen from me. She is a 24 y/o imbecile - I hate it just the same that that 41 y/o imbecile gets to steal time from me just to diddle on his computer or diddle his whore instead of cherishing and giving my girls the quality time they so richly deserve.
Thinking of this quote helped me move past some of the hot anger:
Holding onto hatred is like drinking poison and expecting the other person to die.
SBB, the first version of that quote I heard was
Hate is like holding a hot coal in your hand and hoping it will burn the other person.
Then I heard the poison version and liked it better. But it was both of these that helped me move on too! We are cosmic twins in healing.
[This message edited by caregiver9000 at 10:19 PM, July 26th (Friday)]
How do you stop hating people who could do something so heartless?
You make that person a nothing. A void. An erased entity. A nothing that matters to no one and will never ever have any impact on the world. A void that will not even register on any person's radar if they cease to exist. In fact, it is like they do not exist now because they mean nothing to nobody.
THAT is better than hate. When a person is hated then they have power and notoriety. Think about Hitler. Do you want OW to have the recognition in life and death that Hitler had? No. You want her to be never remembered ever ever again. Not loved. But also not hated because that brings as much emotion as love. Rather, to be non-existent.
No, I don't hate her.
She played a key part in the breakdown of my marriage, she was opportunistic and she exhibited the morals of a dishrag BUT she was not the one who I had exchanged vows with. No, I don't hate her. I can honestly say I don't feel anything towards her.
Now, if you had asked about the XH, that's a different story.
She ended up dumping him. Just like she dumped the last married man. And will the next. My ex ruined his life for nothing. Left his kids to move across the country, for nothing. For a spider spinning webs for her prey.
On a recent blog post (she's a writer for an ad agency) her final words were:
Who knew that the suffering of others would put such a big smile on my face?
Oh the irony. I believe every word of that is true.
So yeah, hate pretty much sums it up. Wish she didn't have that power...
[This message edited by NWfleur at 12:00 AM, July 27th (Saturday)]
As for him, I pity him. Still hope he can one day be the man I gave him too much credit for being. Which makes me ... foggy at best.
I tell everyone who tries to hate on her (the few people that I have contact with that see the happy couple) that they should encourage her to get an education on ex-shat's dime.
Other than worrying about my safety, they are mostly comic relief in a sick sort of way.
[This message edited by Kajem at 11:59 AM, July 27th (Saturday)]
It took some thinking on my part and work with counselors to get to a point where I can believe that OW is just a symptom or product of the A and it could've been anyone.
OW fell for the same initial charm that I did. But the mask doesn't hold up under pressure and a snake is beneath.
If OW creeps into my head nowadays, it's with a shake and thought of "stupid fool", for I and she know what "it" is getting and "it" is choosing to accept it-"it" is someone who can be hugely controlled and is being controlled and going to get shock of her life someday, as I did. Calling it "her" makes her too real and too person-like, so "it" works better for me to keep thinking of a non-person...in a sense, like Gollum but very large.
I am not divorced yet but it is in process. I've been waiting to see if "it" appears at a mediation meeting or someday shows up at my door. TBTD...That'll Be The Day!
A person is a person, no matter how small. -Dr. Suess
Perserverance and spirit have done wonders in all ages.