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Two weeks out

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sunsetslost posted 7/26/2013 17:51 PM

I'm two weeks out from finding out about my wife of almost 8 years affair. The affair is ongoing and she has shown no sign of remorse. She has stayed away from the house mostly and is still in contact with OM via phone and text (as he is currently traveling).

At the start I gave myself every excuse in the book. I did the opposite of the 180. I followed her around the house. I kept saying "that's ok". I immediately said "I forgive you". And I just kept getting kicked in the butt.

I am now finally starting to realize that I am moving forward for me. I can't, I won't be jerked around by her. The only conversation initiated my me the last two days have been business related. Selling the house, money, etc. I don' think she gets it yet. I am seeing a therapist to help me deal with the range of emotions that I know are coming. For now I am closed off to her emotionally. It's really hard. In the middle of this we lost a pet. Those emotional times gave me false hope. I knew it was a trap but I walked right in to it. No more. I'm starting to think that she has her mind made up and I just wish she would tell me so I can flip that switch. I can't make her come back if she doesn't want to. I can't promise to forgive her. I can only promise to give it a shot, on my terms. IC, NC, MC, and relocation. I am so fortunate to have found this forum to discuss my thoughts and feelings. It is so affirming to write it out. Thank you to all who have the courage to post on here and share your stories. Your help means so much more than you will ever know.

kansas1968 posted 7/26/2013 18:06 PM

Your screen names sums up how all of us feel. So many "sunsets lost." There just is no pain in the world like the betrayal of infidelity. I would never have believed how much it hurts until it happened to me. It is unbearable.

You are right that you need to be executing the 180. The worst thing you can do with a cheating spouse is act weak and needy. She is very deep in the fog right now, and she will either snap out of it, or she will not. In that case, you are better off without her.
Keep moving forward with the actions of someone planning a divorce. See and attorney and let her know that you have. Only talk to her about money, kids, etc., and don't be sucked into any talk of reconcilliation until she agrees to no contact, and make sure you are present when she tells him that, either on the phone or VIA email.
Demand all passwords to phones, computers, etc., before you will even talk to her about reconcilliation.

So, so, sorry you are going through this. It truly is more horrible than anyone can imagine except the members of this club.

SuperDuperWonderboy posted 7/26/2013 18:13 PM

I went back and read your previous posts Sunset. Sorry you are here, it's the worst club to join.

I see that you have been given some good advice in your other posts. Here are some of my thoughts.

First, I like the tone of your posts, it seems like you are heading in the right direction.

I have seen it hundreds of times on here...people trying to nice their spouse back. You can't do it, it won't work. IMO, in a situation like this, the only thing that works is the shock and awe approach.

This waffling on her part is bull-shit and she is living in a fantasy land. It's time to blow that up. Out her to her family. If the AP has a wife, you need to let her know. The quickest way to bring her fantasy land crashing down is the truth, and exposing the dirty secret.

Go see a lawyer, find out what your rights are. Either let her know you are filing or just file for divorce and have her served. This was a huge wake-up call for my wife. She doesn't get to decide whether to stay or go, you make that decision, and the way she is behaving right now..that decision should be 'get the f out.'

Keep following the 180. Exercise, try to sleep, try to do stuff for yourself that you enjoy. I know how terrible this time of your life is, we all have been there.

Take heart that it does eventually get better.

Finally, come down to the betrayed Menz thread in "I can relate" There is a ton of guy wisdom down there, and many of us have all experienced this same behavior. (including myself...and yes I begged and pleaded at the beginning too).

[This message edited by wonderboy at 6:14 PM, July 26th (Friday)]

ArableSands posted 7/26/2013 18:24 PM

sunsetslost I am so sorry for your pain and horrible discovery.

Upon discovery, my wife completely collapsed and admitted to what I think is everything. She has become completely open and transparent and is showing abject remorse and regret. I completely 180'd her at the beginning, but have since slackened the demands just a little, as I have committed to MC with her and making our marriage work. She knows I don't trust her even a little, and she has not asked for changes. She knows one misstep and she'll do unmitigated damage to the little progress we've made. I agree with the others here that you need to 180 your cheating wife. If she doesn't respond, you were headed for a divorce anyway, as hard as that may be to hear. If she does respond, there may be hope yet. Hang in there. We're here for you, and each other.

sunsetslost posted 7/26/2013 19:07 PM

I have an unbelievable support system and I realize that I am more fortunate than most on this site. We have no kids. We don't have that much to split up monetarily. It should be a pretty simple process. I have become closer than I could possibly imagine to my good friends who have supported me at all hours of he night. I have become closer to my parents. I have become closer to God. I have a dream come true landing spot. I have this site and the horrible experiences of all of you to help me understand and not make the same mistakes. I am truly humbled and thankful for what I do have. I will be a member of this site for the rest of my life. I will pay it forward. I know it's early and I will have a million bad times, a million mood swings and a million changes of heart . To know that there are others out there willing to share and help, or even just to listen is what is keeping me going. I can't wish her back. I can't love her back. I can't nice her back. I can't fall into false hopes or traps. I am moving forward. I don't even care if I lose money on the house. And that's saying something if you know my personality. I feel I'm further ahead than I should be and I know that there's a shit storm of emotions coming. I'm seeing a therapist to help with that part. Just to know there is hope makes all the difference.

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