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Danntonio posted 7/26/2013 18:40 PM

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I had a ten month affair with a co-worker which was discovered 2 days ago by me BW... I am so disgusted by my behaviour really disappointed in myself. I have destroyed everything that was good in my life. I dont know if my BW will work with me on this? However I have decided to go to counselling to try and find out why I would ever do something so terrible. I was not brought up like this. I work in law-enforcement which is an extremely dysfunctional environment. This does not make a person good...it seems to skew morally good behaviour. I take full responsibility for my terrible behaviour. All the blame lays on me. I hope that my BW will find a glimmer of hope....or a sandgrain of good to work towards. I feel like a complete idiot. I have written her letters and poems and told her I love her and want us to make it through this. I have apologized to friends and family for my behaviour. I have really destroyed everything that is beautiful in my life. I am sorry to everyone that is listening.

1Faith posted 7/26/2013 18:53 PM

Danntonio

BS here.

First, it sounds like you get it. You understand your behavior has put your life as you know it and your marriage at risk.

That's a good sign.

Go to the Healing Library and read everything on the BS side and WS side. You need to arm yourself with knowledge and understanding.

It's up to you to right your wrong. Through actions and behavior.

Do not blame it on your job. Ultimately it was YOU that chose to cheat. You need to figure out why you allowed yourself to do this.

IC for you and your BW is highly recommended.

She is extremely hurt and in shock. Stand beside her as she deals with the betrayal you have just handed her.

Lots of great people here that will answer your questions and help you as you find your way.

Good luck. It's a lot of hard work and is rough but you can do it if you are willing to do a deep dive into your actions and stand beside your BW as she navigates the waters.

[This message edited by 1Faith at 6:54 PM, July 26th (Friday)]

Danntonio posted 7/26/2013 19:06 PM

Thank you for listening. I have been trying to read as much as I can on this. My BW has asked that we move apart for a while. I am going to stay at my dads house and give her some space and time. I have contacted our EAP for referral to a counsellor. My BW does not want this for her as of yet. I will do everything I can to make her understand that I am going to address this. I am so sorry. Thank you again

somanyyears posted 7/26/2013 19:14 PM


..if i may ask..?? does your BW know about this site? .. would you be ok with her joining SI and getting support here with you??

..hope you both can find a way through this.

..smy

20WrongsVs1 posted 7/26/2013 19:34 PM

Dann, this is a co-worker. What are you doing to limit contact with her?

You sound remorseful. That's a good start.

Danntonio posted 7/26/2013 19:38 PM

Hi SMY.... My wife is still reeling from this. I have told her I have been trying to read everything I can to find some kind of answer and help. I will tell her about the site in a few days... As many posted here... "D-Day" was only 48 hours ago...
Thank you

Danntonio posted 7/26/2013 19:47 PM

20WrongsVS1.... thanks for replying.... I am not sending her any messages or anything. I will look at going to a different squad to avoid all contact. I dont know what to do to make this better.....I will do anything I can.

Danntonio posted 7/26/2013 19:59 PM

Hi.. Does anyone know when I should send my BW a link to this site? Maybe its too soon?

20WrongsVs1 posted 7/26/2013 20:12 PM

IMO, get her onboard now. Being betrayed is a very isolating experience. Having a community of women who've gone through the same thing may be just what she needs right now.

Fair warning, though, it is not always easy to be a WS with a BS on SI :) You may be opening yourself up to some harsh judgments, but IMO both of you being here can accelerate the healing process, if you're both committed to R.

BaxtersBFF posted 7/26/2013 20:12 PM

Sooner rather than later. If you do share the link then consider some ground rules for you guys as a couple like not posting on each others thread, not using the info here against each other and things like that.

Danntonio posted 7/26/2013 20:20 PM

Hi there... I sent her a link. I have no idea if she will even look at it... I really hope she does.

As for opening myself up to criticism.... My behaviour deserves to be criticised. The way I mistreated her needs to be criticised. I have done something that makes me sick. I cannot change what I did...but I can positively change who I will be today and tomorrow...I hope she can see that as well..

Thanks

BaxtersBFF posted 7/26/2013 20:24 PM

Just mentioning this...while you feel you are having some great revelations about moving forward and becoming a better, safer person, and while you feel horrible for what you did and even shocked, I would suggest you don't expect anything positive from your BW about your change of mindset in the last two days.

Not saying you are going to do this...just mentioning it...because no matter how bad you feel or how positive you feel about the changes you are promising to make from here on out, they probably don't mean shit to your BW.

I hope you stick around, and I hope that your BW finds the help she will need to make it through this process.

Danntonio posted 7/26/2013 20:53 PM

Hi BaxtersBFF
I am hoping and going to try my best. I am sure you are right about my words meaning absolutely nothing.

I will stick around here for sure....I need to do as much as I can.....

Thanks for your comments..

RightTrack posted 7/26/2013 23:31 PM

Here are things that made me feel better/safer with my Wayward Law Enforcement Husband; He gave me his passwords to the confidential email, he closed down his facebook, he told his SGT and partners (who support me and our marriage), he agreed to give up his special detective position for a more regular job (in the end I didn't ask him to do this but it was important to me to know he would).

His Affair Partner was not law enforcement, but he agreed never to contact her again.

Most importantly, he stopped spending 12 hours a day at work and started coming home for family dinner at night. He stopped thinking that his job was so much more important than mine and started respecting my time by doing his share of household chores. He became involved in the kids' lives and now sees himself as an integral part of our family, not as the selfish guy trying to avoid us.

Danntonio posted 7/27/2013 00:24 AM

Hi RightTrack

Thank you...

I am also going to make changes that take me down the healthy right path. I am going to request changes to a different squad since it was a co-worker I was involved with. Law enforcement is a really unhealthy profession...and again I am taking 100% of the blame for my actions... But it is a place where morals become skewed. I am so sorry for hurting my wife and my friends...and family.

I am so glad yours made the right decision to see what is really and truly important in life. Your family...your respect and love.....I have really thrown this all away for nothing... I cant even look at myself.

Thank you for responding...

Betrayed444 posted 7/27/2013 06:13 AM

Law enforcement is a really unhealthy profession...and again I am taking 100% of the blame for my actions... But it is a place where morals become skewed

Allow me to interject as a BS
The above is pure justification and blame shifting. It is denial. It is false rationalizing.
Cheating is unhealthy. 10 months is unhealthy. Look in the mirror.
It is all YOU.
Blaming the job is certainly starting out on the wrong foot.
I happen to know many people in law enforcement and they are some of the happiest and most morally adjusted people I know. Many would never cheat and they have no complaints. The individual allows themselves to become morally corrupt. Do not blame others.
You have a lot of work ahead of you. Probably more than 10 months. That is if your wife accepts your attempts at rehabilitation.
I apologize if I sound stern but if you want to work this out pull your head out of your 4 points of contact and put all the blame where it rightly belongs.

[This message edited by Betrayed444 at 6:16 AM, July 27th (Saturday)]

sparkysable posted 7/27/2013 06:45 AM

I work in law-enforcement which is an extremely dysfunctional environment. This does not make a person good...it seems to skew morally good behaviour.

I used to work in law enforcement, and WH and OW works in law enforcement. I 100% understand what you are saying.

You are an individual working in a difficult environment. When everyone around you is behaving a certain way, when you are surrounded by people in an environment that seems to draw a certain personality type, and you put all of those certain personality types together, it's not a good environment at all.

It's an environment where, in some cases, immoral behavior and infidelity are acceptable behaviors, and are, at times, rewarded. In fact, my WH just got a promotion, and is now the OW's boss. Really.

I worked for 2 different departments before I left for good. The first department, I was SHOCKED AND HORRIFIED at the rate of infidelity that was occurring. It was awful. It was everywhere, and nobody saw a problem with it. The 2nd department was very family oriented, and the one guy who did cheat on his wife, well, let's just say he was not rewarded for such behavior.

However, everyone is an individual and able to make their own choices. I didn't really read what you wrote as you were saying it wasn't your fault because of the environment where you work, but I can see where you are coming from. You are actually sorry for what you did, you got sucked in to a mob mentality, and you messed up. Big time.

Right now, if you want to make things right with your BS, you will need to make major changes and move mountains. Whether she takes you back or not, you need to do these things.

rivenheart posted 7/27/2013 07:55 AM

It does sound like you get it and are being proactive about taking responsibility for the betrayal. Here's some advice coming from a BW.

Agree to whatever terms your BW asks for right now, but unless she doesn't want to hear a single word from you, nor receive written communication make it clear to her that you want to come home and be there to support her in any and every way possible. You need to fight for your marriage, and for her, and for the chance at reconciliation. Figuring out how to do that while respecting what she needs right now is your top priority.

Apologize to her. Then apologize again. Apologize in a different way. With gifts. With acts of service. With affection if she wants it. Then do it some more. And again the next day and the day after that, ad infinitum. Express your deep and humble appreciation that she is even willing to consider reconciliation, and do it every single day for the foreseeable future. This is really important.

Never, ever lie to her about anything to do with the A if she asks you a direct question. Don't spin, soften, or withhold anything. You don't have any right to decide what or how much of the truth she gets to know. You will only shoot yourself in the foot by doing so. Trust me, or ask around here in the wayward forum if you don't believe me.

If she doesn't ask for information immediately, don't offer anything up, but don't bury the memories. In fact, right now you should be working on a written timeline of your affair and surrounding activities. Make it as detailed as you possibly can. Include times, dates, places, activities, partners, your thoughts and feelings as you recall them, lies you told to cover it up, who knew about it, etc. Let her know you're doing it, both to aid in your own therapy, and because you want her to have the full facts when she's ready to know them. This also really, really important. Don't shirk this one. Again, ask other waywards how important this is.

Most of all, don't despair. That's a luxury you can't afford. Put your issues, pain, worries, fears, guilt, on the back burner right now and concentrate on the emotions and turmoil your BW is going through.

Good luck.

Danntonio posted 7/27/2013 15:59 PM

Betrayed444 sparkysable
rivenheart
Thank you all for the advice and criticism. I should not have mentioned anything about my career. I blame everything on myself and not one ounce on my job. I take full responsibility for my terrible actions.

I have been writing my BS a letter every day and apologizing for everything that I have broken. I told her I am going to give her whatever she needs. I told her that I joined this forum of which I am not proud of doing. I told her there are a lot of helpful people she could talk with if she wanted to. I have been in touch with EAP and am setting up counseling sessions for me... To try and figure out what is wrong with me. I was never brought up to think this behaviour was anything other than totally unacceptable. I told her over and over I love her and I will do whatever I can to help. I am going to stay at my parents house and give her some space... Maybe I can try to set up a coffee time with her once I am out...to maintain my communication with her and make sure she knows I am working on this issue 1000%
Thank you all for your help and suggestions...

Tripletrouble posted 7/27/2013 16:07 PM

Please read the book How to Help Your Spouse Heal from Your Affair. It is a quick and easy read and is outstanding. My WH said it helped him to "get it" and put intent into action better than all the IC and MC combined.

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