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Pre-A behavior creeping back into R

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SecondHelping posted 7/26/2013 20:00 PM

R is going good. We are approaching 1 year since D-Day, but it seems the guard has been let down and fWWs pre-A behavior is beginning to show back up. We are in MC and she is in IC.

One of the things the pushed us far apart was how fWW had a better relationship with DS17 (now 18) than me. She had secrets, gave him money, did things behind my back that she knew I didn't approve of, and just acted like a teenager herself. I'm not jealous of DS18, but I was jealous of the relationship they had.

Well, lately I'm starting to see this behavior again in the past month or so. She started giving him money without even telling me, doing projects/things with DS18 and not telling me because she knows I don't approve, makes plans to do things with DS18 and GF without including me, and acting like a teenager herself again. She even will go hang out with the teenagers that come over to visit DS18 instead of spending time with me.

I've told her about this but she doesn't agree its happening. I'm so afraid that this will lead to another A. I just can't take the lies anymore. As before, if I find out about it and ask, she comes clean. She has a history of lying by omission.

We have planning on going out to talk in the next few days. I plan to bring this up then. We also have MC on Monday.

[This message edited by SecondHelping at 8:40 PM, July 26th (Friday)]

LosferWords posted 7/26/2013 22:24 PM

Have you thought about keeping some sort of log of these events in the next few days prior to MC? If you approach a good MC with some solid examples of what you mentioned in your post here, I think they could help your wife see her actions for what they are.

Sorry to hear you're dealing with this at almost a year out, man. We had some pretty major blips at almost a year out as well, and were able to work through them. I'll hope the same goes for you.

atsenaotie posted 7/27/2013 12:36 PM

Hi SecondHelping,

One year is not a lot of time for your fWW to identify her issues, and then practice replacing them with new coping and soothing methods. Also it is common for the WS (really for any person) to fall back into old coping mechanisms at a time of stress. Is there a trigger that you can identify for this reverting behavior?

I get being jealous of the relationship with DS and your fWW. I felt the same thing at times, but we are getting far enough out that even FWW sees that she did DSs and DDs no favors by codling them and shielding them from my expectation that they be responsible or face consequences.

You do not need to convince your fWW of what you see, you see it yourself. Regardless of leading to another A or not, this is not behavior you want in a spouse. I would approach this as a relationship issue rather than an A issue.

Even with good intentions and some work, not all FWSs end up at a point that we would be comfortable continuing with them as a life partner.

This is your choice. You do not need to communication to your FWW that what she is doing is wrong or wayward thinking, all you need to communicate is that her behavior, intentional or not, hurts you and damages her relationship with you. With that knowledge she will either decide your relationship with her is more important than what she is doing, or she will declare you needy and controlling and continue with her behaviors.

I have learned M'd couples do not always agree, but they do communicate and understand each other if they are going to sustain the M. If she is going to go behind your back rather than confront you and communicate her feelings, then that is really not an intimate relationship is it?

FWIW, it took my FWW well over a year to begin getting a real handle on her issues, and just this week there are a couple where she avoided talking to me about something until the last minute when it was a crisis and cost us money. She still has work to do, but she recognizes that.

[This message edited by atsenaotie at 12:37 PM, July 27th (Saturday)]

wolf_heart posted 7/27/2013 16:33 PM

I think it is an honesty issues as well.
Going behind your back is never okay.
Making plans that exclude you is not acceptable either.
It is dishonest, selfish behavior that has no place in a marriage.
Make that clear to her.

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