One year is not a lot of time for your fWW to identify her issues, and then practice replacing them with new coping and soothing methods. Also it is common for the WS (really for any person) to fall back into old coping mechanisms at a time of stress. Is there a trigger that you can identify for this reverting behavior?
I get being jealous of the relationship with DS and your fWW. I felt the same thing at times, but we are getting far enough out that even FWW sees that she did DSs and DDs no favors by codling them and shielding them from my expectation that they be responsible or face consequences.
You do not need to convince your fWW of what you see, you see it yourself. Regardless of leading to another A or not, this is not behavior you want in a spouse. I would approach this as a relationship issue rather than an A issue.
Even with good intentions and some work, not all FWSs end up at a point that we would be comfortable continuing with them as a life partner.
This is your choice. You do not need to communication to your FWW that what she is doing is wrong or wayward thinking, all you need to communicate is that her behavior, intentional or not, hurts you and damages her relationship with you. With that knowledge she will either decide your relationship with her is more important than what she is doing, or she will declare you needy and controlling and continue with her behaviors.
I have learned M'd couples do not always agree, but they do communicate and understand each other if they are going to sustain the M. If she is going to go behind your back rather than confront you and communicate her feelings, then that is really not an intimate relationship is it?
FWIW, it took my FWW well over a year to begin getting a real handle on her issues, and just this week there are a couple where she avoided talking to me about something until the last minute when it was a crisis and cost us money. She still has work to do, but she recognizes that.
[This message edited by atsenaotie at 12:37 PM, July 27th (Saturday)]